Most Beautiful Dreams or Worst Nightmares

I have found that many of my most valuable experiences have taken on contrasting categories in my heart. These last few months have been a particular challenge for me in that I have been fighting with symptoms of severe depression and have really struggled to find a meaning to it. I'm not out of the dark yet, but I must say that this experience has been both a most beautiful dream and a worst nightmare.

The dark and freezing temperatures of the North Slope have robbed me of my connection to God through Nature. I have fallen victim to my carbohydrate addictions and excuses for not being active and been drained of all positive energy sources. My goals and personality have been isolated and frozen into a go-no-where depression, and I feel I am totally exposed having lost all control and just blowing around in pointless circles with the wind.

Despite all this, I know that God has a purpose in everything He sends my way. I have not been abandoned in my nightmare but have been guided to a better understanding. It is not what I would have dreamed for myself, but I believe a more perfect dreamer designed it just for me. In my worst nightmare of losing control, I have discovered a most beautiful dream.

This experience has deepened my humility, patience and compassion. It has moved me to rely more on the Lord and on others, and has given me direction in finding my purpose here in Barrow. Through this trial, I have found new friends and developed new coping mechanisms that would have been lost to me had I not accepted this challenge as an opportunity. If I choose, it can become a refining mechanism in my life.

Last night I could feel God's love for me stronger than I had in a long time. He spoke to my heart through the magnificent display of Nature in the Northern Lights (the language of my heart) and the words of a new friend (an Evangelist at the Baptist church, of all people. This evangelist friend, shared his worst nightmare of a rare cancer that took his right eye, and how it lead him to find his life mission and be a more effective force for good.

I too have been given a challenge and have made my decision. I have decided on a course of action to overcome it. But more, I have made my decision to trust God in realizing His beautiful dream, and help others find beauty in their worst nightmares too. I believe that part of my healing is to establishing a network of information and support. I am by no means an expert on anything, but I now know the value and importance of friends and family. These are a few things that can seem very far away in a crisis on the tundra, but I believe it is part of my purpose here to establish a network and a series of programs to bring them closer.

So I have my work cut out for me. I must first overcome the depression, and then fulfill the purpose for which I had to endure it in the first place. In the meantime, I will leave you with a few photos that best express the sentiment of this post. These were takenjust outside of town last night and display both the most beautiful dreamscapes of celestial potential and the worst nightmares of being isolated and exposed to the horror of the environment.

A Bit of Pixie Dust

So, yesterday was a good day in a long series of dark and dreary ones. I put Kaia down for her afternoon nap with Daddy, bundled up for the -20 degree weather, and headed off to the post office. I hadn't seen the sun in over a month, and when I stepped out into the street, I was broadsided by an amazing ray of light. I couldn't believe how bright and beautiful it was, just suspended there between the horizon and the cloud cover. The spectacular colors worked magic in my soul.

Just an every-day task became a much needed bit of pixie dust to get me through the monotany of Barrow life. It is amazing how much the sun changes everything. I love the sunshine and am pretty sure that I am solar powered. My attitude sure seemed to pick up, and I was able to think clearly for long enough to devise a plan to re-charge my life. I am actually excited about something again, and I can see a way to my happiness in Barrow.

Despite all the difficulties I have had adjusting to my new environment, I really don't have much to complain about. God has just done an amazing job of trainanig me to hear His voice in any language. Till now, He has spoken to me through Nature, and now that Nature is so harsh and bitter, I am looking for other ways to hear what He has to say.

I am far from being fluent in scripture or sunday-school lessons, but I do understand the language of the heart. God has placed so many friends and family in my life to help me through this big transition. Thank you all for being my pixie dust when the sunshine in my world is just not shinin'.

The Little Things

This morning, like all my mornings in Barrow, began in the dark. I had just finished feeding Kaia her breakfast when the phone rang, and a friend invited us to go to the morning play group. On our way out, I could see the full moon hanging low on the horizon in a creamcicle orange over the purple sea of ice and snow.

It was spectacular, but not nearly as beautiful as the sunrise... I didn't actually see the sun, but the brighness of its promise reminded me how much I missed it. The southern sky was full of burgundies, pinks and oranges. The colors were so bright and vibrant, it was almost surreal. I had forgotten that nature could make such a brilliant artistic display. It reminded me of all the little things that I used to take for granted, and made me think of what I might be taking for granted now.

I think I am taking many things for granted here, and need to give my stint here some purpose. What purpose, I don't know. But I think there are many needs here that I can fill. Now the challenge is to discover which one is the right fit for me and our little family. Maybe you can help. My endeavor must allow me to either bring Kaia or pay for her to go elsewhere for a few hours each week. It must also be meaningful in that it serves some purpose in the community or somehow allows us to save or prepare for fulfilling our big dreams. If you have any ideas. Feel free to post them, or send me an e-mail. I look forward to any little thing you can suggest.