A Day of Doctors

Yesterday was largely spent running around town visiting doctors. First on the agenda was my 6-week check-up where, upon checking in, Kaia spewed chunks all over the lobby carpet. Now, most would see this as a sure sign of a new cold virus, of which I would have no business bringing her into an OB clinic with expecting and new mommies and infants. However, this is far more scary.

On Wednesday afternoon, Kaia climbed up onto the bathroom counter and tried swinging from the hand towel hardware. Of course it broke free from the wall tossing my little 2-year old onto her head... on a tile floor. The crash was sickening and I knew it was going to be serious. I did as every mother would do... examine for signs of trauma. No broken bones, no bleeding, no bruising and no bumps. But a LOT of tears, followed by a lot of whimpering and a very unusual nap, which is all really unlike Kaia.

So, I got scared and decided a more experienced exam should take place to rule out any serious injury. By the time we got to the urgent care center, Kaia seemed back to her normal self. I explained the situation and the doc sent us home with instructions to watch her behavior and bring her back on Thursday.

So with the new development of the vomiting at my doctors office, it was time to return to the urgent care doctor, who sent us to the radiologist, who sent us back to the urgent care doctor. Turns out the CT scan showed no bruising, swelling, tearing or bleeding on her brain... Whew! Such a relief.

Also, today her appetite has returned with a vengeance and no more vomiting... which is FABULOUS! Unfortunately, I think that my little Mekayla may have picked up a little bug at one of these many doctor's offices because she was up EVERY HOUR last night. I am exhausted, but at least everyone is ok.

Off-Road Fiasco

So I promised a post about the Off-Road Adventure that took Hubby and Kaia into the wee hours of the morning... 4am to be exact. Here are a few pix to help tell the story.

Wednesday night Ben got a call from his buddy to go help recover a Ranger from out at the glacier (20 mile off-road trip). Apparently, the guy tried crossing the river in a bad place and his rig floated downstream and flipped.
The guy offered $1600 to fetch it, so off they go into the night only to return at 4am with mud-covered rigs and NO Ranger. Not to mention the fact that my kid comes back wearing nothing but a diaper to her knees (clearly not changed all day), a peanut butter/sand concoction all over her face and a crazy hairdo like she's coming off a 2-day crack binge! And sure, that is the perfect example of a snuggle buddy honey, throw her right in between the sheets just like she is!

Well, we recovered from Wednesday and had planned to make a family camping trip out of it this weekend. Unfortunately, the kids got sick... throw-up sick... and I thought it irresponsible to take them out in the rain for hours on end while the boys try again to recover this rig. Though I was really looking for a way to feel okay about being irresponsible, I couldn't do it. So Ben went without us, and had a great time wheelin' around in the mud.
Anyway, long story getting longer, Ben went back out there and swamped our jeep... AGAIN! I have decided that it is a "Family Recreation" activity and I need to be there to keep Hubby from turning wheels-up in the river too. Here's the picture that had me questioning my hubby's judgment. What gets me is the expression on our dog's face with water only inches from the bottom of the window... in a lifted jeep on 35" tires! That water must have been a good 4 feet deep! UGH!
The good news is that they were able to recover the Ranger, the damage is minimal and Ben already has practice pulling out the upholstery in that rig as this is the second time he has swamped it. Even better news is that now we have some extra cash and all the parts to put a snorkel on the jeep so we don't have to run the risk of permanent engine damage. So far, we have been really lucky, but our luck will run out sometime and I just want to be prepared as possible.

All I gotta say is that I would have been furious if Ben had pulled that crap with me and my babies in the rig. I'm still a little ticked that he swamped it the first time with me and Kaia in the rig nearly 2 years ago... and I'm not even a grudge holder. I guess things could have been a lot worse and I should be grateful.

Gratitude Sunday: The Little Things

It has been a while since I last posted a Gratitude Sunday. Not that I haven't had much to be grateful for, but because I have been really lazy. I have been thinking a lot this week about the things that I have gone without for so long and had taken for granted. Even when they were gone, I took them for granted until I go them back.

With pregnancy comes many discomforts and inconveniences and I would like to take a moment to list a few of the things that I have enjoyed so much about NOT being pregnant anymore. For a few of my readers, I apologize that for the insensitivity to your pregnancy status. If you are one of the lucky ones who can do pregnancy beautifully and don't have discomforts or inconveniences like these... You can be surrogate for my next kid, 'cause I ain't doin' this again!

1. I can fall asleep and wake up in the same position... EVERY TIME!!! I know this is partly because I only sleep in 2.5-3hr shifts, but it is nice to sleep straight through those hours and not be wakened by the numbness in my arms, legs or fingers or the incessant tossing and turning with a gigantic belly.

2. I can take my scalding-hot-turn-my-skin-pink showers that I love so much and actually stay on my feet without feeling faint or worrying about cooking my baby.

3. I can go up the stairs, do laundry, sweep the floor and put away dishes without getting winded.

4. Though I am still crazy tired, I have more energy and motivation than I have had in MONTHS!!!

5. I can easily put on socks, pants, underwear and even give myself a pedicure!

6. I no longer have the intense cravings for high-sugar / high-fat foods that helped me pack on the unsightly pounds I accrued with pregnancy.

7. I'm still pretty emotional, but not nearly as cranky. I attribute this to the leveling out of the hormones.

8. My boobs once again protrude further out than my bellybutton.

9. I can have a regular bowel movement... on a regular basis.

10. The really big number on the scale is finally decreasing at a steady and acceptable rate.

The Wheelin' Season Has Officially Ended!

I am more than disappointed that the first "real run" of the season has officially become my last. I did great out at Knik with the clean-up and had little to no discomfort while riding on the trail. However, this weekend was a MUCH DIFFERENT STORY. But before I get into all of that, here is a pic of all the rigs on this run. We are the first rig on the left.

The snow got a little deep at the top, so we turned things around a little earlier than planned... which by that point, was more than ok with me. Here is a picture of a few of the rigs that got into the deeper stuff. This is actually the best kind of wheelin' because it doesn't tear anything up that won't melt away and reveal the pristine environment that is my back yard... well, technically about an hour behind my back yard.



We ran into a few problems with our tire... the trail proved a little rockier and rougher in parts than our sidewall could handle and a bit of mud got into our bead. When we stopped for lunch, I heard this hissing sound coming from the fron't tire. This is the fix it process on the trail. Not sure how they did it, but we don't need to do any more fixing and it was all done with what we had between us on the trail... my guess is some form of lighter fluid and a match. BOOM! Anyway, it worked out and we all got home safely.
After all the muddin' and rockin' and rollin' we headed back to the creek for an Alaska Car Wash. This is one of the highly modified rigs... yes it is a wagon, but it's got some 40" boggers on it... and they are completely under water. FUN STUFF! After a few runs through the river, most of the undercarriage is cleaned and the mud is out of the axles and breaks... the rest of the car is better left dirty as the mud is a badge of honor that proves that our rigs don't just look good on the highway but actually get out and PLAY.

I knew that this kind of rough play was going to be a little risky before we even headed out because I had been having more of those Braxton Hicks Contractions than I should be at 32 weeks... mainly because I had been overdoing it with the yard-work and chasing down Kaia to prevent potential drownings, rescue searches and toddler/vehicle collisions. But I had pretty well recovered from those and thought it would be worth a shot to see if I could get out of the house and play... besides, how hard could it be to sit there and "supervise" the boys while they try stuff they shouldn't?

Well, it was a LOT tougher than I thought it would be. About 1/2 way through the first planned trail run, I was feeling achy and crampy, by the end of the day, I was getting out for any unnecessary roughness. Knowing that was a possibility before even going out, I planned ahead and convinced Ben to let me drive our other rig out to base-camp just in case I needed to come home early... and I did. What was supposed to be a 4-day weekend of playing in the hills/mud/rivers/snow turned out to be 24 hours of "THAT was a bad idea."

After 3 days of rest and a late-night visit to the Birthing Center, I am NOT in labor and have posed no real risk to baby or myself. However, I have been put on Modified Bed Rest which means no sex, no driving, no stairs, no picking up Kaia, no shopping, no yard work and no exercise. Basically, I can get up to pee, shower, eat and well, that is about it.

This is going to be really tough because my bedroom is upstairs... really steep stairs, and Ben just left for the slope. I guess that will make not having sex easier, but how do I avoid driving, picking up Kaia, shopping or having to chase after a runaway toddler? If I let Kaia out of the house, I will definitely have to do some chasing, and she is going to go nuts if I don't let her out. The good news is that Mom was super excited about hopping the first plane up here to help out so it won't suck as much as it could. Things will work out, but I gotta admit that I HATE that I really need the help.

If any of you have ever been on bed rest, or partial bed rest, I could sure use some pointers on how to keep my sanity. This is going to be a really tough 8 weeks.

Christmas Disaster Update

The trip to Portland was pretty good aside from the morning sickness (that seemed to last all day, everyday for 2 whole weeks) and the stubborn head cold that went around to all family members and landed on Kaia for a Christmas Eve emergency room visit. I swear, every time she gets a cold, her lungs close off and she chokes so hard on the boogies that she makes herself throw up. Nothing like the smell of vomit to accompany a holiday dinner. Anyway, after about 3 hours of observation and a breathing treatment, she recovered well enough to come home and sleep till Christmas morning. On the bright side, we made out like bandits and really enjoyed the family time.

(Here is a pic of Kaia after getting into Grandma's mascara)

Once the festivities ended at Grandma's house, we headed home to a house torn apart by frozen pipes that flooded the entire downstairs and a reclamation team who did their best to rip it up and dry it out. To top it all off, Ben was weathered in in Nuiqsut and couldn't pick me up at the airport or come out to meet with the insurance claims adjuster, so I got to drive home after 10 hours of traveling with a toddler and roughly only 2 hours of sleep all by myself.

(These are the icicles under our house formed from broken pipes in our house)

So it's been a busy couple of days, but I think it will all work out. It sounds like the adjuster will give us all new cabinets in the kitchen and bathroom, a new toilet, tub and sink and all new floors! Yae!!! I am going to double check their pricing though, because I don't trust insurance people. They don't make money by being generous. Anyway, I am glad that we have it and they are willing to replace the things that are ruined.

Aside from the disaster, we have been really enjoying our time together and had a good night in a jacuzzi suite while we were waiting for our pipes to get fixed and the water to be turned back on. We still have to get the filtration guy over here because we are pumping up ORANGE water that smells like dirty nickels. YUCK! Not real friendly on the pregnant lady with the sensitive nose.

Things aren't quite back to normal yet, but we have had so me really fantastic things come our way. Ben brought home a new chocolate lab puppy named Pukuk (mischievous one) and we promptly changed it to Nui (pronounced Noo.ee) after the village he came from. He is a sweet little guy, but what a handfull! He gets along pretty well with the cat... it is more of a tolerance thing than a friendship, but the neighbor cat got a hold of him and scratched his eye. I think we will have to take a trip to the vet this afternoon to make sure it is OK. It looks like it is going a little bit lazy and it makes me sad to think he could lose it. He needs his shots and registration anyway, so we will just bring him in and splurge on the puppy.

Kaia sure loves him and I am certain they will be best friends. I came downstairs this morning to find Kaia sitting indian-style with the puppy curled up in her lap while she teased him with a toy. It was obvious they were both having a great time and I and found myself near tears with the awful thought of how hard it will be for her when her little friend grows old and dies. I figure it will probably happen before she goes off to college and it will be a hard, hard day for everyone. Yup, little Nui is already part of the family.

It has been so good to have Ben home. He has done pretty well at getting the place put back together and Kaia is getting a kick out of following him around. Here is a pic of her in Daddy's hat helping him fix the pipes... We tried to get the baby-plumber crack in the photo, but the camera was a little too slow to catch it.

Yesterday was Kaia's 2nd Birthday and we got her a whole bouquet of balloons, a gorgeous cake and a trip to Carl's Jr. (her favorite restaurant because of the big toys) She had a blast playing for about 2 hours with a whole playground full of friends and we had a few moments to decide what we were going to do about the house. There is so much more to say, but I will save it for other posts. For now, I will just leave you with these few pix and this general update.

Hope yall had a very Merry Christmas and I wish yall the best for the New Year!

Chaos and Adventure

Confession: I have been such a slacker on the blog gig lately. I have enjoyed reading and commenting on other blogs, but couldn’t bring myself to note all the craziness in my cold and windy world. There are lots of huge changes all at once and all uncertain.

BEN IS GOING ROTATIONAL!

This is great news, but really, I’m kind of torn between the thrill of adventure and the fear of the inevitable. With this position change, he will spend 2 weeks of each month in a village that was originally established as a banishment community for criminals too tough to manage. That in and of itself is scary, but he will also be ALL ALONE out there. He will be the only officer in the village of 400 with questionable backgrounds. I understand that the emergency call volume is pretty high, and I am sure he is going to see some pretty wild things without any form of backup, but I think it will be great career experience.

Another inevitable is the move. This is what I have been wanting for the last year, but now that it is here, I am getting cold feet (literally and figuratively). Not only am I dreading the packing and moving and unpacking of all of our stuff, I am really going to miss the friends I have made up here. I have even been experiencing some Barrow nostalgia.

This has been a great time to get in touch with who I am and what I want. Even under all the fluff and insulation required up here to survive, this place has stripped me down and taught me a few things. I have even begun to appreciate things that I couldn't see or understand when I first moved up here to this Arctic wilderness.

The whaling boats bringing in their hunt, the community coming together to process the subsistence for their families, the incredible animals that survive here in the wild like the foxes, owls, caribou, walrus and polar bears, the smell of the ice taking my breath away and the sun bathing everything in oranges, purples and pinks, the snow drifts snaking across the tundra and the beautiful ribbons of the Aurora Borealis all inspire me in ways that I could have never known without living this adventure. I know this kind of experience is a once-in-a-lifetime thing, because there is no other place like it.

Our next adventure is off to an amazing start too. We have made an offer on our first house and it has pretty much just landed in our laps. We are pretty much ready to close with the exception of the appraisal and we haven’t even seen it in real life! If the appraisal comes back at or below what we are offering, we will reconsider, but for now, it is kind of like waiting to see if we won the seeds of our dreams on e-bay.

I HATE THE WAITING GAME! I just want to know where we will be moving in just 3 weeks. I want to know if this is the place that we can get our financial boost into our Adventure Resort. It seems an unlikely place, but I am oddly comfortable with the shape of this wild ride. Whoodathunkit?

Anyway, there are no deep thoughts or big self-awareness revelations to report, just a bunch of chaos and adventure. Wish us luck!

The Next Doritos Mascot

This is what happens when I put Daddy on bedtime duty. Nice work Honey! All she needs now is the remote control and a beer bottle. If my baby is the next Dorito's mascot, he is going to have some serious explaining to do.

The best part is that he is sleeping so soundly with his legs hanging ½ off the bed in the position he happened to plop down in. On the bright side, he did get her changed into her pj’s and into bed before passing out. It cracks me up that he picked the pj's with the little pink pig on the front and there she was pigging out in them.

I'm just glad that everyone played hard today and should sleep really well tonight!

Only In Barrow!

I’ve been thinking a lot about what makes Barrow so unique and thought I would make a Top Ten list to share a little piece of my world with you.

Top Ten Reasons You Should Need a Passport to Come to Barrow:

1. You can’t get here without paying air-fare equivalent to traveling to another continent
2. English is a second language and acceptably butchered by alcohol or poor dental hygiene
3. The words “DARK” and “COLD” take on new, intense and powerful meanings
4. There are only 2 seasons: Break-Up (a muddy, smelly, trash-thawing mess lasting 3 months) and Winter (the DARK and COLD other nine)
5. Health Care options are comparable to a 3^rd world country
6. It is not uncommon to see VERY unusual fashions and shorts and t-shirts are regularly sported at any temperature above 0 degrees Fahrenheit
7. Homes, automobiles and other vehicles of transportation are commonly “home grown” or “home modified” meaning there is no way they would pass any safety codes or inspections by normal US standards.
8. Frozen or rotting carcasses of seal, whale, duck and caribou are standard front-porch ornaments
9. The prices of goods and services appear to be stated in some form of foreign currency. (Can they really charge $25 for a gallon of Soy Milk and say it’s on sale?)
10. A four-wheeler and snowmobile are commonly primary sources of transportation (even for families of 5 and especially with fuel prices expected to reach $7/ gallon by August)

When I first moved here in November, I really thought that I had moved to the surface of the moon. Since then I have discovered a few interesting things and some of them are quite wonderful. The most wonderful things have been realized in personal perspective and experience. All in all, it is an amazing place to strip all the chaos of the regular world away and discover who I am and what I want. It has been a fantastic adventure and it will always hold a special place in my heart. It is definitely not for everyone, but I am grateful for the time I have spent here.

Gratitude Sunday: Living in Barrow

I have been asked many times “What brings you to Barrow?” Usually my response is pretty bland and impersonal as many people who ask are just making small talk. If I want to keep a low profile or feel a little untrusting of the person asking, I respond with an ordinary “My husband’s work.” If I feel more trusting and want to continue a conversation with them, I respond “Big Dreams and Pixie Dust!” But usually keep the real feelings and reasons to myself because I didn’t think that anybody really wanted to know.

Yesterday, I was asked in such a way that required a little more thought. I was with a group of women that I feel comfortable sharing more personal things with, and was met with “Why are you here in Barrow?” It was asked in the context of personal development and challenges we all face in our life path. My experience has taught me that every challenge is a lesson in personal development and once the lesson is learned, the challenge is over. So, I had actually been digging for a reason so that I could learn my lesson and get the hell out. It had been the topic of many, many prayers that had thus far gone unanswered.

I can usually flow with the awkward social situations and still come out feeling like I say what I mean and do so articulately, but not this time. My response was more a scattered rambling of learning to find God in a different way, finding new things about myself, my beliefs and my potential, strengthening our family and supporting my hubby in his career path. It surprised me how much the question rattled me. I don’t know if it was the question, the situation or the sudden epiphany of the real reasons I am here that made the whole thing so scattered, but I don’t really care. I am just ecstatic that I got a sneak peek into why I am really here and why these lessons couldn’t be learned another way in another place. It has given new meaning to my suffering and somehow made it a LOT more bearable. I actually feel gratitude for the experiences I am having here… Not the obvious loooooong winter and extreeeeeeemly harsh conditions, but the miracles and perspective those hardships are working in my life.

I have always gotten the most inspiration and direction in my life from the wilderness. This is, by far, the biggest, craziest most difficult wilderness I have ever experienced. At first I thought that Hell froze over and I moved there, and that God and inspiration had flown south for the winter... which by Barrow climate is a long-long time. But, my relationship with God has become a LOT more personal. At first I thougth that the sacrifices I am making would make me resent Ben for listening to my advice when encouraging him to apply and take the job. But, my love, respect and appreciation for him has grown immeasurably. At first I thoguth that the lack of outdoor opportunities would diminish our family identity and we would no longer have fun together. But, we spend a LOT more family time without the distractons of all the work of camping and entertaining and eating out... plus, I get to be a bigger part of Kaia’s development because I get to be a SAHM. At first I thought that Ben wouldn't get a lot of job experience or advancement opportunities up here. But, I was really wrong on that too. I can only imagine what more amazing insight and inspiration can come through our challenges here.

For the first time since I moved here, I can honestly say that it is a good thing. Not because of the amazing scenery, incredible recreational opportunities or the friendly weather, because those are a rare find here. It's a good thing because of the perspective it has given me, and the BIG step it has been toward what I really want. Whodathunkit?

Gratitude Sunday: A Sunny Day

Today was a day of sunshine after a long stretch of dreary fog. I am not writing metaphorically or poetically, but literally. I haven't seen a day this bright in about a month, and I am really enjoying it.

It was amazing to see how many people were out on foot, bike, trike four wheeler and yes still snowmachine (snow mobiles for you lower 48 readers). I can’t believe that it is June and we still have snow on the ground. What blows me away is that there is still ice pack on the ocean! I thought they said that summers were great up here… I’m still waiting for that to happen.

I took Kaia to the park and we had a great time on the swings and the slide. There were about 40 other park goers and it was fun to watch the kids get creative with the mud and the water still accumulated on the playground. We could only stay for about an hour though, because Kaia's little fingers were turning purple from holding on to all those cold metal bars and being exposed to that danged wind. At any rate, it was a good time and I am glad that we went.

When we got back to our apartment, there were about 10 kids in swimsuits running around trying to get a tan... which I thought was really funny because it only got up to 38 degrees today and the neighbor kids are Alaska Native, Polynesian and Black. If anyone needed a tan it would be us Tunuk’s! (Inupiat word for the color white that they endearingly call the minority white people... I am pretty sure that it is not intended as a racial slur.) I have been feeling a little pasty lately and have been thinking about venturing out in a tank top. Even while exercising, 38 is still pretty chilly!

Anyway, the sun is still shining and will keep shinning until the clouds move in or September rolls around… which ever comes first. I am just grateful for a day of relative warmth and brilliance. I think it does good things for the soul.

A Bit of Drama & Vacation Mystery

Sunday night we decide that we need to get out of town. We had been feeling a little cabin fever and needed a chance to reconnect with each other and with normal civilization… that, and we had a serious opportunity to get a $2000 trip to Anchorage for about $200.

Hubby usually gets 3-4 day weekends as he works 12-hour shifts, but it had been 3 weeks since we had one, and we had gone much longer without REALLY seeing each other. As this was the first 4-day weekend in forever, we booked the tickets Sunday night for the following evening flight out of Barrow. I packed our bags and straightened the house, canceled the play date and workout plans I had set up to break the monotony of agonizing over keeping myself and baby from insanity and waited… and waited… and waited.

Hubby was supposed to leave work at 6:30 pm, and the flight was scheduled to leave at 7:12. Yah, didn’t think that was going to work out from the beginning, but Hubby assured me, it had in the past because Barrow is “special.” Anyway, he said he had made arrangements to come home and help me get the bags to the airport and that I should wait for him vs. meet him there… I thought it was pushing it close as it was, and I REALLY wanted to get out of town, but I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt. 6:30 rolls around, then 6:40 and Still no Hubby. At 6:50, I get a call from Hubby saying he is on his way and I should call a cab.

A CAB!?! What the Hell!?! Was he freaking out of his mind!? I couldn’t believe that this was his arrangement. Anyway, the cab shows up to our house at 7 and I am certain that the plane is buttoned up and taxiing down the runway. Of course the cab driver knows where we are going, that there is only ONE flight out of here and that it leaves in 12 minutes and takes his sweet time getting there! Again… What the Hell!? Anyway, at 7:06 the Alaska Airlines personnel meets us at the front door of the airport and says “you must be the family we couldn’t wait on any longer. You’ll have to wait till tomorrow.”

I was pissed! I really wasn’t all that surprised, but kept biting my tongue and gritting my teeth as Hubby kept making all of these crazy ass statements about how accommodating they are here. Again… What the Hell!? I have been here since November and NEVER had anything outside our small group of friends come anywhere near accommodating. Maybe close to coherent, or even civil, but NEVER accommodating.

All I really wanted was to spend some quality time with Hubby, let him get some quality time with Baby and recharge my psychological battery. What I got was “You’ll have to wait till tomorrow.” I’ve been waiting till tomorrow, till next week, till next weekend for over a month! The last thing I wanted to do was wait. Then Hubby get’s this brilliant idea that he will take this opportunity to catch up on all of his paperwork at the station. What the Hell!?! Couldn’t he see that I was a mama on the edge? Couldn’t he see that I was desperate for a little attention and, God forbid, a break?

Apparently not! He dropped me off at home with 3 boxes of groceries he picked up while waiting at the air cargo, a whiny baby and the ½ of our luggage that didn’t get loaded on the flight I so frantically wanted to be on. Of course he kept the laptop (my only link to the real world) and away he went. I understand that he was late because of a serious call he had to take right before 6pm. I understand that paperwork on such calls has to be processed quickly so that it can go to the District Attorney and through the court systems. I understand that things don’t always work out… especially at the last second, and I definitely understand why he would want to get all his case paperwork done before leaving town. What I don’t understand is why I was so angry.

I think it was a bad combination of PMS, cabin fever, pent up frustration toward Hubby and exhaustion from being a stay-at-home mom who actually has to stay at home. At any rate, I tried my best to hold it together… AND FAILED. Hubby must have thought the place had been bombed when he got home. The T.V. was flickering some muted nonsense with subtitles, the luggage had been opened and its contents scattered, all the grocery packaging materials had been pulled out of their boxes and flung across the front room, the remote control was shattered in 6 different pieces on the floor against the wall and I was in a puddle of tears next to a sweaty baby in our bed. He may not have seen signs of needs unattended before, but he was NOT going to miss this one. I haven’t had a fit like that in a long time, and can only thank God that Kaia was in the other room or asleep for most of it. No doubt she had been feeling the tension though, and for that I am still beating myself up.

I was just so furious and frustrated and had been for some time. When Hubby rolled in at midnight, I just pretended to be asleep like nothing had happened. The next morning I looked like hell and couldn’t find the words to start a conversation without making things worse. I noticed that he had done some cleaning and taped the remote back together. We worked around each other trying to get our stuff together to leave. Finally he broke the silence when he delicately asked me what had happened. All I could say was “sorry about the remote.”

It took us 2 days into the trip to start a conversation about what was at the root of the problem, but I still don’t think I was really understood. Maybe I need to write it out to understand it myself… I don’t know. But this is not the end of the saga.

On the bright side, the trip was good for us, and I was able to take a mini vacation from my frustrations and the demands of being a cop’s wife and full-time mommy. At least now I think that we are in a better state of mind for discussing things, and I have learned a valuable lesson: I am NOT going to continue putting issues off until Hubby gets a weekend, because sometimes weekends are delayed and when needs back up, things don’t end well for the remote.

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Now about that mini-vacation. We ate good food, visited great friends, climbed a gorgeous mountain with a fantastic view and enjoyed amazing vacation nookie. Why is it always better in a strange place? And how can a baby sleep through somethin’ rowdy in the next room of a vacation rental, but not in the next room at home? Ah, the mysteries of vacation

My First Polar Bear!

I saw my first official polar bear in the wild... and I was on a snowmobile! Last night at about 9:00 pm, a call came over the police radio that a polar bear was seen roaming around the city dump. So naturally, we bundle up and head out there as fast as we can to catch a glimpse. Sure enough there was a big ol' bear stomping around on the ice pack. We parked pretty far away for obvious reasons and watched him for about 10 minutes before he dissappeared behind the broken pieces of frozen ocean that had piled up about 500 yard out.

I would have loved to have seen him closer, but I have a thing about being so exposed when there is a polar bear near by. We rode around a little to find his tracks, just to see how big is paws were in comparison. I was surprised to see how HUGE thos footprints were. It was about the length of my forearm with claws that extended out past my finger tips. I would have taken a picture, but the cold zapped the batteries and there was no juice for the camera to even turn on.
Now that I have seen the northern lights in their full glory, witnessed a polar bear in the wild and frozen my patootie out on the tundra, I think that I can say I have experienced the Arctic... can we go now?

I guess on that front, it doesn't look like it will be soon. I had an interesting conversation with the chief of police that has bothered me more and more every time I think aobut it. He was trying to convince me that this was the best place to raise a family and that it really isn't all that bad, once you get used to the culture. WHAT!!! Is he flippin out of his mind? His wife doesn't even live up here, she is down near Anchorage and he didin't raise his family here. I think he was trying to be incouraging, but it was a little insulting. Did he really think that I wasn't going to notice how hard life is up here?

Anyway, I hope that he didn't catch that I thought he was full of sh**. Never good to tick off the man who has the final say in where Ben goes rotational and ultimately even if he does. I think that we have decided that if they screw with him, we will just apply elsewhere. I know that I will not be up here for next winter, but we haven't decided yet if Kaia and I will "move" till we get the 2-week rotation, or just "visit" Grandma and Grandpa for a few months.

Maybe we will try to schedule our vacation time for then and Ben can come down for 4-5 weeks. Who knows; all I know is that I am not going to manage another winter like last. Even with the northern lights and polar bears, it just aint worth it! Wish us luck in getting the 2-week rotation.

Break Up is Here

For all my readers from the lower 48 states, “break up” is the Alaskan word for SPRING. We hit double digits in temperatures this week, and the high pressure over northern Alaska has brought us much needed and appreciated sunshine.

It was great to take Kaia for a walk and not be constantly worried about frostbite. We still have to bundle up, but not nearly as much as we have been. I’m not quite ready to retire my winter coat yet, but I think that warmer weather is here to stay. Surprisingly everything is melting at 16 degrees. I thought that we had to get above 32 before the thaw process would begin, but not so. The snowpacked streets are officially mud channels and I am beginning to feel more nervous about crossing the lagoon on the snowmobile.

Other signs of spring include my hubby hacking 1-foot-thick ice off our walkway (a job that preventative maintenance for our complex should have taken care of months ago, but didn’t) and I am ecstatic about the fact that the song birds have returned. There IS life on the tundra!

I think that it will still be a few weeks before the ocean breaks up and I expect it will be July before we are up into temperatures above 32, but I am happy that the light is here to stay 24-7. I think that I am solar powered, and it makes me happy to see a bright an cheery everything.

Annual Police Memorial Service

Today we attended the North Slope Borough Police Department Annual Police Memorial Service. I was touched by the sense of duty to God, family, city, borough, state and country. The service was short and simple, and it was moving to see all the officers and their families gathered to honor those who have lost their lives or family members to the hazards of the job.

It made me realize just how dangerous it is for my hubby to be out there every day with people who are having their worst day. Many of the people he deals with are just irresponsible and inebriated, which makes them stupid and unpredictable, but not necessarily bad. However, there are a few people that have long records and have served hard time as convicted felons. Those are the ones that make me think twice about the last words I say when see him off to work.

I have learned that the families of first responders do experience a greater strain and stress from the ugly side of society. Ben does a pretty good job of blowing off most of the frustration before he gets home, but there are still cases and days that get dragged up when he is least expecting and it causes an uneasy tension. I just wish I knew how to handle it a little better.

The transition to being an officer’s wife was difficult, but not quite as difficult as the transition to living in the Alaska Bush. I think that I have found a way to cope a little better now that the temperatures are usually at or above 0. There is still snow out, and we just bought 2 used snow mobiles to help ease the tension of cabin fever and job stress.

I have been taking the snowmobile across the lagoon to Piuraagvik (translates to “place to play” but it is really a run down basketball court with 2 locker-rooms and a few broken pieces of workout equipment). It only costs $1 to stay as long as I would like, and it meets my needs for a Stair Master and Treadmill. We also take them out cruisin on the ocean… Yup, it is still frozen over. We got nearly a foot of new snow the last few days, but you can’t really tell because it is so dry and fluffy and just blows around.

Anyway, I digress. The facts that we are playing as hard as we are working and that we are working toward goals that meet our needs, are making the transitions a little more bearable. I am happy to have a sense of family through the police department, and feel comfort in the fact that people are looking out for us. The memorial service brought all of that to the front of my mind and made me realize that as tough as this place is, the people are tougher and they take care of each other.

It was good for me to experience this little bite of reality on the tundra, and I think it helped me warm up to the fact that we are going to be up here for a while. But I still hope that it is not too long.

Wild Alaska

As if it wasn't expensive enough to get groceries and supplies up here in the Arctic, the expected rise in postage / shipping will raise our prices by 30%. That will bring our milk up to $10.39 a gallon! Hubby and I can go without, but Kaia will have a really hard time. She goes through 2 gallons a week; that is $80 / month. And the milk isn't the worst of it. Produce is a killer and we literally ate $1000 our first month. I am beginning to doubt that we will be able to save up for a house within the year.

So, I am looking for alternative options for survival up here. I think I will just move down to the lower 48 and live within driving distance to a Costco, or Safeway, or Fred Meyer, or Walmart, or any other grocery chain for that matter. We are so lookin' for the 2-week rotation!

On the bright side, I have gained a new appreciation for fresh produce and reasonable prices. I have also gained a new motivation to manage my munchies and found some creative ways of making leftovers stretch a lot further.

Sometimes It Just Doesn't Work Out

Have you ever tried to plan an adventure that depended on factors outside yourself and had it fail miserably? Despite all my experience and efforts to avoid pitfalls, sometimes, it just doesn't work out.

This Saturday is my hubby's birthday and for the past year, he has sacrificed all of his toys and hobbies to get into his career path and support our little family. So, I wanted to show him how much I appreciated him on his special day and really surprise him with something that he would enjoy. We don't have much in the way of recreation here, but I thought it would be great to work with what we had and create something wonderful.

Have you ever heard the term "you can't get chicken salad out of chicken sh**."? Well, that was the adventure planning lesson that I hadn't yet learned. I had always managed to pull off miracles in the past and didn't expect anything different on this project. For the last month, I have been sneeky and persistent to surprise my husband with an Arctic birthday adventure. I spoke with all his fellow officers, friends at 3 differnent churches, neighbors, acquaintences through any remote contact and people I would just meet at the grocery store, gym or post office. I even posted a WANT ad on the local bulliten offering $75 bucks and a full tank of gas for anyone willing to rent us a snow mobile. (at $4/gallon, a full tank is a precious commodity.)

I finally got 2 calls early in the week and confirmed with both for today, Thursday the 22nd from 2-6 pm. (as hubby will be working graveyard on his birthday and needed to sleep the day before, not wanting to wreck his sleeping schedule etc... I thought I had thought of everything!) Everything was comming together beautifully... until I woke up.

I awoke on the big day with excitement and anticipation for the beautiful adventure I had planned. The sun was shining, the snow was glistening, the baby was in a happy disposition and everything appeard promising... Until I looked up the temperature... -60! Yes folks NEGATIVE 60 as in 60 degrees below 0. NOT ideal, but we had the gear, and I wasn't going to let this ruin the day.

Around 1pm I called to solidify details to pick up snow mobile option number one... the guy on the end of the line simply said "Nope. Too cold for machine. Call back another day." and hung up the phone. I thought this strange as there were at least 8 snow mobiles out on the icepack (frozen ocean) and aren't are designed for cruising around in the cold?

No problem, I had a back up. At 1:30 I called option number two who seemed very excited and promptly went outside to start up her machine. At 2:30 we received a call that it wasn't going to start for anything! Evidently, the little gas in its tank had frozen and it was going NOWHERE.

Okay, okay, we still had a sitter lined up, we could catch a taxi and rent some cross country skis to salvage the day... I called the sitter and ... no answer. WHAT!?! (Turns out her baby was sick and she had to go to an emergency clinic to make sure everything was okay... the baby was okay, but the day was not.)

Anyway, by 4:00 it would seem that NOTHING was going to work out. Backup plans one, two and three all fell through. So, we went for the ol' stand by... birthday dinner. We rearanged for a sitter at the last minute, and it looked as though things may just work out for 7:30pm. By 8:00pm the sitter fell through. So we thought "lets just take the baby." By the time we established plan #5, the baby was no longer in a good disposition and it was appearant that things were NOT working out.

I had no creative energy left to come up with another "back-up plan" or even be upset. Long story short, despite all my efforts to make his birthday something special, Hubby called in his own birthday order for take-out from a "so-so" resteraunt, ate to the seranade of a squawking baby in the back room and went to bed early. NICE!

It really wouldn't have been all that bad if I hadn't climbed up all over his case about providing the exact same birthday experience for me last month. Maybe Hubby had run into the same difficulties and dilemas in planning my great birthday adventure. (Funny how the ol' irony monster keeps biting me in the a$$.)

On the bright side, I learned that sometimes, it just doesn't work out... and that's okay. When it isn't meant to be, there is nothing you can do to change it. The mystery lies in why that always seem to happen on birthdays. I would love to hear any other birthday disasters or theories as to why they are inevitable. :) May your next adventure be destined to work out.

Most Beautiful Dreams or Worst Nightmares

I have found that many of my most valuable experiences have taken on contrasting categories in my heart. These last few months have been a particular challenge for me in that I have been fighting with symptoms of severe depression and have really struggled to find a meaning to it. I'm not out of the dark yet, but I must say that this experience has been both a most beautiful dream and a worst nightmare.

The dark and freezing temperatures of the North Slope have robbed me of my connection to God through Nature. I have fallen victim to my carbohydrate addictions and excuses for not being active and been drained of all positive energy sources. My goals and personality have been isolated and frozen into a go-no-where depression, and I feel I am totally exposed having lost all control and just blowing around in pointless circles with the wind.

Despite all this, I know that God has a purpose in everything He sends my way. I have not been abandoned in my nightmare but have been guided to a better understanding. It is not what I would have dreamed for myself, but I believe a more perfect dreamer designed it just for me. In my worst nightmare of losing control, I have discovered a most beautiful dream.

This experience has deepened my humility, patience and compassion. It has moved me to rely more on the Lord and on others, and has given me direction in finding my purpose here in Barrow. Through this trial, I have found new friends and developed new coping mechanisms that would have been lost to me had I not accepted this challenge as an opportunity. If I choose, it can become a refining mechanism in my life.

Last night I could feel God's love for me stronger than I had in a long time. He spoke to my heart through the magnificent display of Nature in the Northern Lights (the language of my heart) and the words of a new friend (an Evangelist at the Baptist church, of all people. This evangelist friend, shared his worst nightmare of a rare cancer that took his right eye, and how it lead him to find his life mission and be a more effective force for good.

I too have been given a challenge and have made my decision. I have decided on a course of action to overcome it. But more, I have made my decision to trust God in realizing His beautiful dream, and help others find beauty in their worst nightmares too. I believe that part of my healing is to establishing a network of information and support. I am by no means an expert on anything, but I now know the value and importance of friends and family. These are a few things that can seem very far away in a crisis on the tundra, but I believe it is part of my purpose here to establish a network and a series of programs to bring them closer.

So I have my work cut out for me. I must first overcome the depression, and then fulfill the purpose for which I had to endure it in the first place. In the meantime, I will leave you with a few photos that best express the sentiment of this post. These were takenjust outside of town last night and display both the most beautiful dreamscapes of celestial potential and the worst nightmares of being isolated and exposed to the horror of the environment.

A Bit of Pixie Dust

So, yesterday was a good day in a long series of dark and dreary ones. I put Kaia down for her afternoon nap with Daddy, bundled up for the -20 degree weather, and headed off to the post office. I hadn't seen the sun in over a month, and when I stepped out into the street, I was broadsided by an amazing ray of light. I couldn't believe how bright and beautiful it was, just suspended there between the horizon and the cloud cover. The spectacular colors worked magic in my soul.

Just an every-day task became a much needed bit of pixie dust to get me through the monotany of Barrow life. It is amazing how much the sun changes everything. I love the sunshine and am pretty sure that I am solar powered. My attitude sure seemed to pick up, and I was able to think clearly for long enough to devise a plan to re-charge my life. I am actually excited about something again, and I can see a way to my happiness in Barrow.

Despite all the difficulties I have had adjusting to my new environment, I really don't have much to complain about. God has just done an amazing job of trainanig me to hear His voice in any language. Till now, He has spoken to me through Nature, and now that Nature is so harsh and bitter, I am looking for other ways to hear what He has to say.

I am far from being fluent in scripture or sunday-school lessons, but I do understand the language of the heart. God has placed so many friends and family in my life to help me through this big transition. Thank you all for being my pixie dust when the sunshine in my world is just not shinin'.

The Little Things

This morning, like all my mornings in Barrow, began in the dark. I had just finished feeding Kaia her breakfast when the phone rang, and a friend invited us to go to the morning play group. On our way out, I could see the full moon hanging low on the horizon in a creamcicle orange over the purple sea of ice and snow.

It was spectacular, but not nearly as beautiful as the sunrise... I didn't actually see the sun, but the brighness of its promise reminded me how much I missed it. The southern sky was full of burgundies, pinks and oranges. The colors were so bright and vibrant, it was almost surreal. I had forgotten that nature could make such a brilliant artistic display. It reminded me of all the little things that I used to take for granted, and made me think of what I might be taking for granted now.

I think I am taking many things for granted here, and need to give my stint here some purpose. What purpose, I don't know. But I think there are many needs here that I can fill. Now the challenge is to discover which one is the right fit for me and our little family. Maybe you can help. My endeavor must allow me to either bring Kaia or pay for her to go elsewhere for a few hours each week. It must also be meaningful in that it serves some purpose in the community or somehow allows us to save or prepare for fulfilling our big dreams. If you have any ideas. Feel free to post them, or send me an e-mail. I look forward to any little thing you can suggest.

What's in that pixie dust?

I've always been a big dreamer and discovered that the pixie dust is the magic that brings me adventure. I can find traces of pixie dust on all my past experiences, but never imagined that it would bring me to the top of the world. I sit here now, above the Arctic Circle at 1:30 in the morning wondering what on earth is in that stuff. It is 40 below outside, and I haven't seen the sunshine in over a month. Barrow, Alaska; who'da thunk I'd be here?

Sometimes I feel sorry for myself. But tonight, I am lying awake just trying to figure out how this adventure got on the map! There has to be a point, a lesson or a purpose to my predicament. I can't accept that it is just by chance that I am in such an extreme environment that is so incompatable with my Favorite To Do's. Though, it is most interesting that it is so compatable with my Guilty Pleasures... Coincidence?

My guess is that though my location is unique, my predicament is not. I am finding that there are a LOT of people who have been carried away in the pixie dust of their own dreams and end up on adventures that test their limits too. I've learned that sometimes it's a detour for good things a' commin', and sometimes it's just a sign that I'm lost.

I would venture to say that this time, I am exactly where I'm supposed to be... now I just gotta figure out what I'm supposed to be doin'. Any ideas or inspiration would be most appreciated.