Remodeling Everything

Well, we've been busy remodeling EVERYTHING. The garage is coming along quite nicely... it is now a storage room and a drop down living room space. We just need to finish framing in the doors, cut a hole in the house, lay down the floor and put up a wall... oh yeah, we need to build an entertainment center and fireplace... okay, so we're not quite there yet.

We have also been doing a lot of remodeling in the front and back yard. We have cut down maybe 20 trees and split and stacked them for firewood. Gas prices are ridiculous and winters are coooold here. :( But at least it is good exercise and gets rid of all that dang cottonwood that makes such a mess every spring. It also lets in amazing light now for our garden, which I am excited to get started on. I figure this late in the season, I'm going to have to buy sprouts for most stuff, but with our raised bed we are building and all the berries I want to plant, we should have a really good crop this year and it will probably only cost us about a grand. Yeah! 1000 buckarooos, but we would easily spend that in berries and tomatos, so we shall see how it goes this year... wish us luck... well, at least more than last year because all we got for our $20 investment was a pea and a carrot... both of which the dog ate. :(

So back to the remodeling. I've also got a big Body Project. The Big Dreams 100 lbs Fitness Challenge is going quite well too. I've been remodeling my body to compete in a triathlon next Sunday. This Sunday is the trial run for that and I'm stoked. I'm almost to my weight I wanted to be by the triathlon, but still a long ways from 'racing weight' I decided I'm going to run a marathon next spring and am using this triathlon and other things like the bike and run for women to help me train in the mean time. I plan to get down to my 'racing weight' and then maintain for about 6 months before the race while I condition and get myself into competition form. :) REMODEL HERE WE COME!!!

Here are the fantastic numbers from the Big Dreams 100 lb Weight Loss Challenge. We are only 14 lbs away from our goal!!! That is amazing. There are 5 other awesome participants who have been miracles for my success as we have been sharing struggles and accomplishments on facebook. Once we are done with this, I may start up another one... mostly because I LOVE prizes, but also because I need the motivation and accountability.



Things have been really busy, and not much posting going on here. Sorry, I'll try to do better and catch up on all of what's goin on in your blogs.

A Fitness Adventure Entry

I know! Two posts in two days! This is fantastic. I've been putting it off because I was just too overwhelmed with all the stuff that I hadn't reported on, but I figure the last post will do. I still have to get some of the photos from the family vacation on here, but that will be another entry... that's right, I didn't forget the promise I made.

So, I've been doing a lot of reflection and self-psychoanalyzing. The truth of the matter is that I have become nutritionally abusive to myself and am starting to pass that on to my daughters. It's an addictin and it's ruining my life. I see the cycle continuing. Bad habits were formed for me in the womb. I don't blame Mom and Dad, they had the same problem that I have... evolution and a serious history of bad habits. But damned if I'm going to pass that on!

Well, I'm going to break the cycle. I'm going to evolve into something that is going to work for me, and be a strength and inspiration for my girls. I started My Food Diary (MFD) again www.myfooddiary.com and I love it. I've got a great support group there in the 65+ lbs to lose group and I have already lost 26.5 lbs with this program! It is a healthy habits deal that helps you track and record the right kinds of nutritional balance for your body and activity level. It is very personalized and it is about healthy habits moreso than actual weight loss, but the healthy habits make for weight loss.

So, that's right. I gained crazy weight with Mekayla. A whopping 76 lbs and it really sucks considering that I had worked so hard to lose those exact same 76 lbs and then some after Kaia. But the good news is that I know I can do it and I am doing it. I've set high goals to lose 10 lbs / month and blew that out of the water in January with 17lbs! I've been busting my ass at the gym and at home on days when the kids are too sick to stay at the play center while I work out.

I've been watching the Biggest Loser this season and LOVE those guys. They are so inspirational and I am convinced that this can be done at home. Sione proved that this last month with a 25 lb loss. There is a guy on MFD who lost 25 lbs last month too, so weightloss and healthy habits can be without the ranch. I think that they are burning up to 7000 calroies a day on that ranch and I figured if they can do that in one day, I can do it in one week. So I did for two weeks and I feel TONS better. It is liberating and empowering to gain control in such a meaningful way and have it show on the scale.

Ben hasn't noticed any changes yet, but he will. I think he will come home from his 3 week stint for training and see that something is different. By then I hope to be down another 10 lbs bringing me to 36.5 lbs total! Even with as big as I feel, that is going to look different. I will probably be into a size smaller too. Good thing I kept some of my old clothes. Never mind that they range from size 6-20. Ok, the size 6 is a skirt I kept from High-school... It's a goal skirt. But really, what the hell?!? Who changes that rapidly in just 18 months? I went from a healthy size 10 in December of 2006 to a whopping 22 in July 2008. The plan is to be back down to a size 10 by December of 2009. What an adventure that will be. So far, I am right on track.

My first mini-goal was to get below 250 and I'm there. Yup, this chick-a-dee is sitting fugly at 250 again. But that won't last long, in fact, by the time anyone realizes that I'm blogging again, I'll be less than that anyway. :) So, Ben and I are going out sans-kiddos to celebrate a whole bunch of things. My birthday, his birthday, valentines day and my weight loss milestone. The next one is 25 lbs down the road and I hope to be there by the time we head out on our annual leave in April.

So, there you have it. No more fat me. Just a healthier, more reasonable me who is on the way to fitness and good life-long habits. As part of that, I will be participating in my first ever triathlon. Its in June and I will still be pretty big for a triathlete, but I'm looking forward to it and am excited that the idea of it is motivating me in the gym. If Dad gets into the Hard Rock, it might be fun to pace him again like I did in 2007. We would have to work out the logistics of that, but I'm thinking I would be back down to about the same weight I was when I did it the last time too. That would be GREAT!

So here is the schedule with coordinating status and rewards:

Feb 4th- 250 Achieved
A Date night to a nice place without the kids

April 15th- 225
A Family Vacation to see family and 5 or 6 National Parks

June 24th- 199
A Triathlon, a weekend with friends who last saw me at 276 and hopefully a trip to Colorado to pace Dad on the Hard rock at about the same weight as I did 2 years ago.

Sept 16th- 176
Exactly 100 lbs from my heaviest (this time) and deserving of a big drip somewhere awesome... I'll have to think on that one.

Nov 25th- 155
My goal weight. A trip to Portland and a $2500 shopping spree!... or maybe I'll get nominated and accepted for TLC's What Not to Wear... who knows?

So there you have it. My Holiday confession of self abuse, a big outting myself party about my weight, and the breakdown of goals from now to Thanksgiving to hold my feet to the fire. If anyone is interested in joining a collective 100lb Weight Loss Challenge, let me know and we can use my blog to track it. All I'd need to know is your current weight and have you report that once in a while. Best of luck to you in your weight loss adventures.

Stuff That Matters, and More That Doesn't

So, I read Tolle's book A New Earth and discovered a few things about myself that I didn't know... well, I guess I DID know, just wasn't quite aware of them. I catch myself now when my temper flares and it is really weird. I know I am feeling angry, I hear the angry tone in my voice, and It's almost like an out of body experience.

Today for example, Kaia pooped on the floor. Once for Ben, which didn't really affect me in anyway. We then changed 3 poopy diapers between us and then she pooped on the floor again for me! All I could do was scream "NOOOOOooooooo!" To which Kaia replied "Oh NOOOOooooo!" as if she hadn't been the culprit of this domestic dissaster. And I repeated "NOOOOoooooo!" To which she repeated "Oh NOOOooooo!" You can see how none of this changed the fact there there was a stinky terd on the floor. Really, I should be grateful she tells me about it. I would hate to find one of those surprises on my own by accident... that would really make me mad.

Anyway, I still fight the angry words and actions I naturally want to spew out into the universe, and I still fail to stop them. The difference is that now I actually hear and see my crazy behavior, and it is really commical. The interesting thing is that with this realization, I don't feel guilty anymore. I have my tantrum, repair any damages and reflect. But really, in the heat of the moment, I'm beginning to find it entertaining, to see the drama and know that I am still passionate about... well, dumb stuff for no good reason.

I really spend a lot of energy on things that don't really matter, and being aware of that is changing the way I respond to almost everything. Even when I don't change habits or behavior immediately, the way I feel about it is already revolutionized. It's a wild transformation, and I am really starting to get a kick out of it.

On another note, I realized in all this self awareness, that I am throwing a pitty party for myself. I am NOT what most would call a happy pregnant woman... actually, I'm pretty far from it. Deep down, I feel hi-jacked. I feel a sacrifice and burden that "entitles" me to all the things I don't need and can't afford. The biggest being junk food. Yes, I know, financially it's not really all that big of a deal, but psychologically and physically, it is taking a HUGE toll on me. I have let my fitness goals slide... well more like hurl down to the depths of hell in a bucket of ice cream and girl scout cookies.

In all logic, I am sabbotaging my real goals and blaming it on the most innocent part of me. I am telling myself a lie in the hopes to justify something ugly... self abuse in the name of instant gratification. Great! Now I have identified the stink, the trick is getting it out. I'm not so sure that Tolle has it all figured out that the more you are aware of yoru true issue, the more it goes away. I guess we shall see if the weight gain has reached it's peak, or if we are just getting started. I think I could use some good tools to help me cope and pamper myself a little better.

My big plan:
Go see mom! She just turned 50 and asked to see her grandbaby as a gift. I'm pretty sure it is going to be a bigger gift for me than for her, but I'll let her believe it is all about grandma. I will get some great time off, get some fun new spring-maternity clothes and take her to the spa for a pedicure. THAT will be nice. Not to mention the fact that there is grass and warmth and beautiful flowers all abloom in my P-town of Oregon. IT WILL BE FABULOUS!!!

The 2 weeks that are normally spent feeling extra sorry for myself and coping as a single parent will be spent shopping and visiting with my best girlfriend, getting to relax while Kaia has endless grandma entertainment and tasty meals that I don't have to plan, shop for, prepare or clean up. I don't think I can think of a better treat than this... and it's all paid for! Gotta love air miles.

Unfortuntately, I've got a laundry list of things to do before we can get outta here. FIRST is getting that damn kitchen done... Yup, you guessed it... still not finished. What I thought would be a 3-day deal has now developed into the 12 days of chaos. The good news is that our plans to be done are realistic now that we are so close. We even picked out floors... to be done in another month, but on the timeline no less.

Now for the big confession. I've got huge plans for the house that I haven't quite squared with Ben yet. The big kahuna of the 500 ft, 2-bedroom addition with covered porch and arctic entry have been hinted, and tossed around as a maybe. But I have plans to get the ball rolling before we leave in 5 days.

Yup, that is going to knock him for a loop. I already got the quotes, figured out the financing and fit it all into a budget and a timeline. It IS doable, I just gotta show him the numbers and submit the application for the building permit. I think I will let Ben choose the contractor and I'm hoping to schedule construction to begin the beginning of May... wish me luck!

The Year of POO!

I'm not sure if it is the pregnancy hormones workin' here or if there is really something here to consider... I guess I will know better when the new kiddo is about 2 or 3. But for now, I am thinking this stay-at-home mommy thing is NOT for me. Really, it's more of an issue with the poo! I feel like all I do is clean up poo! It comes in many shapes and sizes, different textures and quantities, some are actual biproducts of living things, but most are biproducts of just living and creating messess over and over and over and over.

I LOVE spending quality time with my little Kaia. She lights up my world in so many amazing ways. The problem is that I spend more time being irritated than I do actually enjoying her company. THAT IS NOT FUN FOR ANYONE!!! I began to think that I relapsed into the winter funk, but I think it might be deeper than that. I'm thinking that I can do a better job at being mommy if I DON'T give up or "postpone" my mission. I know that raising a family is a huge part of the mission... but it is not the whole mission. I know the scope of my mission extends beyond my front door.

Unfortunately, right now I am not doing anything but dealing with poo! Even now as I write this, I am interrupted by my daughter with poopy diaper in hand explaining that it is "gwose." NO KIDDING! This is NOT personal development! I'm not doing much to contribute to the development of others and I am not even doing much to aid in the development of my own kid... the one person I am responsible to help develop!

I think a lot of this may stem from the birthday blues. I get them every year when I go to set my new year's resolutions... I set them at my birthday (the end of January) partly because it is the start to MY new year and because it feels really good to go into Feb. still on track with the resolutions. Did you know that most resolutions don't make it past the second week of January? Anyway, I find that it gives me a boost to span a 2 month period, even if I start to slack off a little the first week of Feb. :) It's like making a list of all the things you have to do in the day and adding a few things you already did just to cross them off... I do that too. :)

The truth is that putting my dreams on hold has NEVER ended well for anyone... especially me. And if I continue to put these things on hold, I may NEVER realize my full potential... I may never be the inspiration I want to be for my children, friends and neighbors. The longer I wait, the further away my dream of running an adventure lodge seems to get. I'm sure I could be happy without realizing that dream... but the path to that dream IS the adventure and if I wait to start it... I miss out on all the fun. I REALLY hate missing out.

I don't quite have the solution to the dilema... right now I am waiting for some inspiration myself. When it comes right down to it though, it feels really good to just think about something other than poo for just a few minutes and yet, at the very same time... kind of depressing that this is my plot. HOW DID IT EVER COME TO THIS?!?!

I don't know how I got here, but I am definitely motivated to get out. My new ONE WORD for the year is INSPIRE, I want to BE inspired, I want to inspire others, I want to change the things that aren't fullfilling, or at least delegate or minimize the time I spend on them. I want to see things clearly and have the strength to go for what is right for me and all that is important to me.

So far, I'm just knee deep in poo!

More BIG Changes Coming

Finally we are feeling settled in and ready to call it home. All the Christmas decor is up and cheery, and all the necessities are in place to make it reflect our rugged style and spunk. Just as we are getting comfortable, I realize that I missed my monthly visit from aunt flow. So, the day I went into town to pick up hubby from his first stint in the village, I find out that we are expecting kiddo #2!

If our calculations are right, it should be near the end of July when everything will change again. We have been talking about doctors, delivery options and, of course, how we are going to make room in our new place for a newborn. I think it was all a bit overwhelming for poor hubby.
"SURE! I come home from a month in the village and find my house looks totally different and my wife is knocked up!"

I think he is still in disbelief that we have a new place, a new cat and now that we are definitely adding another member to our little family, it may have simply pushed him over the edge. I am excited; I think he is too. It's a happy feeling in our house and I am a bit surprised that the feelings and excitement about baby #2 is just as unnerving and intense as for baby #1.

I'm just a little overwhelmed with the whole prospect of finding a doctor who can honestly talk to me about my options in delivery. I would really like to be there for the birth of my baby. The last time I was exhausted from 24 hours of labor, a super-crazy drug cocktail and the loss of too much blood from my emergency c-section. And to think I went in thinking I was going to do it a' natural! Actually, I think I am going to have a hard time finding someone up here qualified and willing to do a VBAC. BUT if my insurance covers it and I can find one, I think that is option one. Option 2 is just scheduling the c-section. We shall see.

If there is anyone out there who has had a VBAC, let me know if it is worth it. I would really like to know if there is someone here in Wasilla who will do it. If you know, PLEASE pass along a referral. Thanks!

We're Outta Here!

I wanted to blog the exciting happenings for a while now, but haven’t had a spare second where I wasn’t exhausted or too frazzled to think. I’m still exhausted, and probably too frazzled to think now, but at least I have a spare second so here goes.

WE ARE OFFICIALLY HOMEOWNERS!!!

Yippee! I can’t wait to see it and unpack all of our almost-new furniture -- and my BED! I have spent far too many nights on someone else’s mattress… in fact, now that I think about it, 3 of the 5 years we’ve been married have been spent romping on cheap springy junk bought in bulk by organizations that really don’t care if anyone gets a good night’s sleep.

Here is a picture of our latest purchase. We still have yet to walk through this fun gambrel chalet, but I expect that we can make it home pretty quick.

I’m just ready for quality everything. It will be fantastic to be buying equity and NOT throwing away $1000 in rent each month. I am so ready to have a place of my own. I think I will knock out a few walls, paint something a wild color like burnt red or butterscotch yellow and replace that frilly trim with some big beams JUST BECAUSE I CAN!

I have big plans for this little place. On this side of the house I am going to add on a wrap-around covered porch with outdoor fireplace and sitting area and 200 sq feet of living/ dining room space with cathedral ceilings, exposed beams and a giant fireplace… no Alaskan home is complete without a giant fireplace. I believe that is the preferred place to mount the subsistence remains of caribou, moose or salmon that can’t be eaten or turned into clothing. I plan to mount our flat screen TV up there and maybe show a picture of those animals in the wild.

Ben has big plans to add on a garage/workshop for all of his toys, also an Alaskan must have. And grandma is coming out to help set up Kaia's playhouse and jungle gym. I’ll let you know how all our plans work out.

One thing I am a little nervous about is that acre of property I have no idea how to manage. The house sits toward the back of the lot, and the driveway is going to be something hellish to shovel in the winter (I heard they already have 2 feet on the ground). I’m just glad we have a monster jeep that can pack it down.

I think I might try my thumb at gardening next spring. I will have to talk to my mom about it and see if she will come up and help me get it going. I thinking about a raised, fenced, veggie garden so the moose can’t get into it and maybe some nice flower beds around the base of the house for color and street appeal. That should be a fun project to keep me busy while Hubby is away.

With all these great house plans, we have also been a little neglectful on moving plans. I didn’t think that we would be moving as much stuff back as we are. But truthfully, I don’t know what we have in storage and there are some things that would be really nice to have in our first home. So, we have been up to our eyeballs in boxes and sorting and trying to figure out what to do with all this stuff. I guess it doesn’t help that we packed up all our pots and pans and have been surviving on Halloween candy and take out for the last week.

I really wanted a plan, a list and some sort of time line for packing and unpacking all of this, but hubby decided that it wasn’t necessary. His "plan" was to “throw the shit in a box and GO!” So that is exactly what we are doing. Some boxes are labeled, some boxes are marked with important contents, but most are just going to be a surprise when we get to our new place.

The good news is that after all this scaryness settles, we will have a hot tub ready to bubble all the stress away… at least until the next day when all of our stuff from storage arrives. dun dun duuuun! Hopefully the peops who committed to show up and help will actually show up and help. I'll let you know how it all goes.

Until then, have a safe and happy Halloween!

My Fitness Adventure

I started my fitness adventure on January 2, 2006. My hubby snapped this picture just 3 days AFTER I gave birth to lil’ one. You could guess by my expression that I was NOT amused. I would have to say that this was, BY FAR, the worst I have ever physically looked and felt in my entire life. Granted, it wasn’t all weight related, and that fantastic moo-moo is far from flattering, but I know it would have been a LOT less miserable had I been more fit. You can’t really tell how bad it was, because I never let anyone take photos of my whole self unobstructed. The computer generated model based on my beginning stats was created here.

I was a size 24 weighing in at 278.5 and couldn’t walk around the block, let alone enjoy a real life adventure. I was alive, but not living the way I was created to live. I knew that I would never find happiness in this depressed condition because it just wasn’t me. My life had tragically derailed somewhere, and I needed to get back on track.

I assessed my habits, activities and obstacles in the way of living my PRIME adventure and even had to reevaluate that adventure all together. I discovered that my fitness was only a small part of the bigger problem. I found more than one “conviction” that just didn’t work for me anymore and had to make a lot of pretty big changes to jumpstart the life I was designed to live. So, I quit working on someone else’s agenda and started working on my own.

I joined Weight Watcher’s and was back to the pre-pregnancy at 4 months on my fitness adventure. This was the only picture of that timeframe where I wasn’t completely hiding. I was thrilled to feel good enough to travel, shop and accessorize, but I still felt lost and out of control. I wasn’t confident with me. It wasn’t about the appearance as much as it was about feeling trapped in a body that didn’t match my adventure.

I plateaued here for a few months before joining my mom at the Metabolic Research Center for weight loss. I received some great coaching and worked with the program for about 6 months and dropped down to a size 12 weighing in at 175. This was a fun time of many adventures that were meaningful, fun and in line with my true self. I wasn’t ashamed or afraid, or hiding from anything! I felt sexy, confident and in control. I wasn’t invisible anymore; and I really liked the freedom of fitness.

However, I want more. I want fitness on a higher level, maybe even competitive. I want to compete in adventure races, but more than that, I want to be able to have my own adventures with ease and comfort. I was built to live an adventure in the mountains and that is always more fun when you’re only packing stuff that can make your life more enjoyable.

I think an athletic 160 lbs would treat me really well and would be more in line with my PRIME adventure. It would be great if all I had to lose were those pesky 15, but I lost my vision in the dark of Barrow and gained back a whopping 40. I was able to shed another 15 when I trained to pace my dad on the Hardrock, but gained 10 back when I returned to Barrow. I am tired of the yo-yo gig and need a little help to get the progress to stick.

So, I joined my mom on another program called Medifast. They requested that I take a really good “before” picture, but I am a big chicken and am going to refer you to the computer model for my “before” and “after” pix for 4 more months until I can get you a real life “after” shot.

I am SO ready to have my prime body so I can optimize my PRIME Adventure. This is something completely under my control, and I am no longer going to make excuses about my difficult environment, or why I can’t make it happen; and I'm even considering registering for an adventure race next summer to keep me on track and maintaining the success. YEEHAW!!!

On My Health Kick Again!

OK. That’s it! I got on the scale and saw that since my fantastic health kick back in July, I have gained a whopping 10 lbs! That really sucks because now I know that if I am ever to gain and maintain my happy state of health and fitness, I am going to have to WORK at it every day! However, I am feeling a real frustration with where I am and have decided to jump start my health with Medifast.

I plan to lose 40 lbs and would really like to do it before Christmas. I am certain that it must be done and convinced that I can do it. So here we go! I started the program yesterday with a nasty head-cold issue and really haven’t been all that hungry. Go figure. Anyway, I can’t tell if the headache is from the sinus stuff or from Medifast but am really leaning toward the sinus stuff being the source of all my problems.

Anyway, I have done some soul searching into why I have such an addiction to food and what I can do to overcome it. I know that just not eating any is not a good long-term fix, so I am definitely going to have to get to the bottom of this sometime quick.

I talked about this before here. But since then, I have realized that I use food as a treat for everything. If something good comes my way or I have success at something, I treat myself with food. If I had a hard day, am worried, bored or feeling sorry for myself, I treat myself with food! I don’t want to overlook the chemical dependency aspect either. If I am sick, PMSing or just dragging ass, food is a quick and inexpensive way to pick up the endorphins and serotonin in the system.

The problem is that I am realizing that it really isn’t all that inexpensive. The $ value is deceiving because it really doesn’t take into account the damage caused to my self esteem and confidence, the “larger” wardrobe I have to purchase, the medical bills for increased health problems that will only continue to rise exponentially and of course the cost of all the diet programs I try in desperation. So, really, when I treat myself with food, I am spending literally thousands of dollars on CRAP!

So, as a wise financial maneuver, I am going to treat myself with pedicures, weekend get-a-ways, hair highlightings, fun hobbies and adventures. When I am triggered to “treat” myself with food, I am going to “treat” myself to something much more valuable and much less costly. The problem is that it is going to take more work and planning... especially here in Barrow where resources are scarce.

To take some of the work out of the equation, I did a little brainstorming to list more cost-effective ways to treat myself and this is what I cam up with:

If I am alone with lil’ one-
Pull out my scrapbooking gear and play
Get on the internet and blog
Wrestle and tickle and play with kid toys
Go for a walk or beach comb
Paint our toenails

If I am alone with Hubby-
Sex is always a good treat
Massage may require some bribing, but it’s worth it
Movie is an easy go-to outlet
Bath Time (where we used to go to chat)
Go to gym and workout

If the family is all together-
um… well, everything I can think of depends on more than one circumstance that we don’t have any control over and rarely work in our favor… We gotta get the hell out of here so we can go camping, hiking, snow mobiling, off roading, fishing, backpacking, snowshoeing, bowling, skating and enjoy sporting events, museums and zoos. I would even go for window shopping at the mall if there were such a place here… but noooo; No such things in Barrow! This place sucks for family entertainment. I guess that isn’t fair, we have had 5 or 6 days where the stars all aligned and we were able to go out and enjoy 4-wheeling, snow mobiling and 2 beach campfires… but my treat cravings are FAR more frequent.

If I am all by myself-
Yah right, like that ever really happens, but if it did, I would go trail running for a good 3 hours, come back and take a loooong hot shower and then get some uninterrupted time on the internet. Now that would be a treat!

If I am out with the girls-
That would be a treat in and of it's self!

Fear and the PRIME Adventure

It occurred to me that there is something keeping me from reaching my big dreams and it’s ME! It is both good news and bad in that this obstacle lies within my locus of control. But at least now I can work on getting over it.

I think what has been crippling me is that I am afraid that my definition of success isn't in line with my true self, and that I will some day regret missing the boat. I don't know why that scares me so much. I have no regrets to this point in my life and actually cherish my mistakes as stepping stones to character building. I guess now the consequences seem somehow heavier, and life, a lot more fleeting.

The problem is that I spend too much time dreaming and not enough time realizing. I’m having a hell of a time choosing exactly which step will make me the happiest and be the best for my little universe in the long run. What it comes down to is that I can do any one of several different things and be successful; the trick is finding which thing is in line with my PRIME thing. Which thing is going to make my efforts Personal, Rational, Intentional, Meaningful and Eternal?

I need an adventure that is personally mine and mine alone, an adventure that rationally balances my mission and responsibilities, an adventure that I intentionally design and live because it is entirely within my locus of control. I need an adventure that meaningfully empowers and fulfills my life mission and eternally inspires others because it is bigger than me and reaches beyond the grips of death.

My PRIME Adventure is to share my passion and legacy through nature and outdoor recreation. It is in my heart to own and operate an adventure lodge and inspire others live their own PRIME Adventure. I haven’t quite worked out the details yet, but I know it takes place somewhere in the Northwestern United States. I know that the programs and activities will be high adventure and my circle of influence will go beyond my little community of family and friends. I know it will require me to stretch myself to relative perfection and hold me accountable to my values and principles.

As with every adventure, my PRIME Adventure comes with its own collection of doubts and fears. Some fear is good fear. John Long, a famous climber once said “The caliber of the adventure is proportional to the level of doubt maintained.” Real adventure requires some fear of the unknown and the possibility of failure. Nobody wants to fail, but in the scheme of a PRIME Adventure, it is really more of a progressive journey anyway. A PRIME Adventure is eternal, failure is only temporary.

So what am I afraid of? Why am I holding back from living my PRIME Adventure? Why am I letting myself get distracted on detours and getting tangled in everybody else’s adventures?

The truth is that I am terrified of being bored with a tiny life. I am afraid that I will not be able to realize my PRIME Adventure or worse, I will and then regret it. I am afraid that in living my PRIME Adventure, I will neglect my responsibilities as a wife and mother, which brings me to the humbling realization: Though my hubby is my hero and my daughter is my pride and joy, they are NOT my PRIME Adventure. They have their own adventures to live and their actions are beyond my locus of control. Investing all my energy into serving them is not MY adventure, but my contribution to their perspective adventures, and that is not the most effective way to live a PRIME adventure.

WOW! By continuing to do what I am doing, I am bored and living a tiny life! I'm not living my PRIME Adventure by waiting! Waiting for what? The stars to align? The Law of Attraction to dump a lodge in my lap? For someone to pat me on the back and reassure me? Am I really that naive and needy?

I think I am waiting for the peace in knowing that my family has a place in my PRIME Adventure. Without them, my life would be tiny. Without them, the meaning and eternal reach of my legacy would be lost leaving me only with PRI, and that doesn’t make any sense. Where do I find that peace? I think it is somewhere locked inside me but I am pretty sure my hubby has the key. I just need to ask him for it.

I guess I am pretty needy. I need to know that he supports me in living my PRIME Adventure. I need him to know what I need from him in terms of support and encouragement. I need his reassurance that he values what I bring to the table.

WOW AGAIN! I don’t think I was entirely prepared for these deep realizations this morning. I think it is time for a serious chat, one that I’m not quite sure how to initiate. Wish me luck!

Attracting Some Inspiration

Though I don't think it is the only law working in the universe, the law of attraction does some amazing things. I stumbled onto a very interesting blog while wishing for something to inspire me and thought I would share. Patricia had some neat insight into a lot of things I have been thinking about, one of which is developing a life coaching career. I really want to explore motivating and inspiring others on that kind of a level.

I guess what attracts me so much to the profession is that that it is a world of deep thinkers and they get to encourage others to question their limits and be their very best. I want to further develop my skills and contribute in that arena in my own way. I am not all that passionate about the impersonal executive-focused coaching and not entirely into the touchy feely eccentrics associated with individual-focused coaching. I could definitely find fulfillment and success in my own little niche somewhere between work and drama with my specialty -- PLAY. Maybe I will call myself an adventure coach...

I posted some raw ideas about it here, but have since sketched in a lot more shape and structure. I had all but forgotten about it since the big race, but it found me again. It is not a coincidence but a steady draw toward something big. I want to provide the ideal environment, the tools and support for others to become an effective creator in building their own sustainable and fulfilling, life-long adventure. I want to provide an experience that will help people see themselves differently, and then champion their training and preparations to live their prime adventure. I want to guide them into nature and let the wilderness inspire them to do their thing.

I feel most comfortable working with women and have a particular soft spot for mothers and women in other tricky transitions. This may be too narrow, but I think I am going to go with it for starters until I invest in the training to get a better clue as to how the business side of things goes. For now, I am just dabbling in the framework concept and how to integrate individual coaching, group workshops and my pet project, the adventure lodge. Eventually, I would like to get my masters in an accredited program for coaching and get some certifications in Wilderness First Responder, Mountaineering, Personal Training and Life Coaching. I think that by the time I am at full speed, I could have a really fun thing going.

Gratitude Sunday: The Wilderness

I have had some unique experiences in the wilderness throughout my life. Some wildernesses are beautiful and full of contrast and color, while others are completely void of any form of eye candy. One thing is certain in all of my wilderness experiences; the wild is wildly powerful. I have had more insight, direction and inspiration in the most wild places I have ever been.

My trip back to Colorado has been one of the more powerful relationship building excursions with my dad and I have been physically challenged, emotionally charged and spiritually edified. I don't know any better environment than the mountains to do all of that, and I am truly grateful that I had the opportunity to venture down south and be changed forever. This country is definitely on my list of top ten places to be and I think I may have to put this excursion on a list of top adventures too.

I will include some excerpts from my pack journal, but I gotta let yall know that I kicked ass on the Hard Rock. It was awesome to get up there and feel so strong and healthy. The training was hard, the acclimatizing was fun and the race itself was empowering and motivational. I realize now that it was a once in a life time experience and I will probably never get the chance to do it again.

I met up with my dad at 4:45 am in Ouray and headed into the hills after only 2.5 hours of sleep. I was heartbroken to find that Dad was so sick. The demands of such a race are unreal and he had been physically pushing himself for about 23 hours straight. After reloading his supplies at the aid station, he violently threw up and away we went. It surprised me that he was still determined to finish, but his doubt was almost palatable. I guess that is what makes it an adventure.

We maintained our "finish pace" for about 4 miles and then things got bad. I cold feel myself pulling further and further ahead. I would slow down to a crawl as the terrain became steeper and knew that Dad was in trouble when he literally sat down on the side of the road and said "I CAN'T do this thing on e-caps and coke." It was one of the hardest things for me to see him so weak. He is super man! He isn't supposed to get tired or sick or hurt. To see him heaped up in a pile on the trail was tough and I didn't know how to encourage him. I knew that we had to make up time if we were going to make it and I knew I had the strength and determination to do it. I also knew that my dad’s determination could only go so far and then real energy was going to have to come from somewhere if he was going to make it.

He was finally able to keep a bit of food down, and he gutted though the next 5 miles with difficulty. At the top of the mountain pass, we were standing on a ledge little more than 5’x5’ with a steep drop off both sides. The view was incredible and I was more than elated to be at the top, but I knew that Dad wasn’t in any condition to stay there long. He was teetering on the hairy edge and wasn’t quite keeping his balance. We restocked our canteens and made a run for it into Silverton. That was the longest 5 miles of my life. After 11 miles of UP we were on a 5 mile stretch of down that covered approximately the same elevation drop as the 11 miles gained. It was very hard on the knees, hips and ankles to say the least.

The good news is that we made it and I was strong enough to average the finish pace. I can’t help but think that had Dad kept his cookies, we could have far exceeded it. I also can’t help but think that had Dad been at his best, he would have left me for the dogs. Long story made short: I met my goal, but learned that ultra marathons are NOT for me. After just 16.1 miles, I had had my share of abuse. The mountain hurt both of us. Unfortunately, I was not nearly as ambitious as dad and was happy to stop in Silverton. He went on for another 4 hours but was unable to keep the finish pace and returned to Silverton disqualifying himself from the race.

Later he confessed that this was his last ultra and that it was vanity that made him come back every year to abuse himself like that. He committed to taking better care of himself and choosing sports that were more positive and strengthening in his life. He has 3 finishes under his belt and still reserves bragging rights, but he is on to bigger and better things that are more fun. I only hope that he will invite me on some of these wild adventures too.

This wilderness adventure has taught me that my dad is still superman, but he is a smarter and more humble superman than I have ever known. The mountain beat him, but he was a composed and reasonable, traits that had eluded him when I was under his roof. I have seen a side of him that was real and new and confirmed my respect for him in a big way. But there is so much more to this wilderness trek that changed me forever.

Here are some journal excerpts and pix from the journey:

Day 1: High in the Sky and No Worries

This is our first camp site at Columbine Lake, elevation 12,400 feet and on the way here I realized that it has been 7 years since I last ventured into the San Juans. I feel like I'm visiting an old friend. Does she remember me? Will I be able to enjoy her company or will she push me harder than ever before? I'm as ready as I have ever been. I've charted my course, defineed my goals and trained and invested in the gear. I've done all that I can to make sure I am prepared for this reunion. The good news is that my physical prep is paying off and I don't even have the high altitude head ache that is so common in this territory. But there is still a part of me that wonders if I have prepared enough.

The focus of all my perparation has been physical and I totally neglected the spiritual and emotional preparation of such an experience. I have been spiritually blown away with the scope and vision of the universe and am even overwhelmed by the beauty and power of simple flowers doing their thing on the side of the trail. I have really been starving for this kind of experience and feel connected again. My relationship with deity definitely comes to life in the wild and I feel closest to perfection when I am only constrained by the most raw and simple laws of the universe. Here, I feel a sense of love and belonging, even when I am all alone.
I know there is magic in my outdoor adventures. I gain new perspective on challenges, open doors to new opportunities and refocus my energy on what matters most to me. My journey into the wild brings me deeper inside myself than I could ever go in the comfort of my man-made world.

Day 2: The Hills Are Alive With the Sound of Music

Somewhere above Columbine Lake we found this amazing ridge of wildflowers and spectacular scenery. I found myself spontaneousely smiling. What a funny thing to notice! It was something I was deprived of for some time now, and didn't entirely know when I lost it or even that I did until it came back. I remeber I used to smile all the time. I didn't have to look for things that were smile worthy. I used to get a kick out of just about everything and I know I was a LOT more positive, fun and charismatic.
Today, I am taking a stand against the bumbed out me, and I am going to get those personality traits back. I't going to take some effort and planning, but what a fun project! I'm fighting for my true self once and for all!
Some ideas about how to do this:
1. Take adventrues... lots and lots of em
2. Seek out and surround myself with others that have those same traits
3. Be consious of the little things
4. Appreciate everything

I think this has a lot to do with why I love the mountains. Every living thing is so strong and resiliant to the harsh enviornment, yet fulfills it's life purpose so beautifully and effortlessly. The amazing thing is that even if I weren't here to enjoy it, it would still be doing it's thing. Life out here isn't preoccupied with what comes next or whether or not it is making a big enough difference in the world. It is just being true to itself.

Day 3: Lost in the Mounains and Finding Treasures

We hiked into the mountains headed due north to a lake we've never seen. The route looked promising, but things always look better on paper. The trail was little more than a game trail that appeared and dissappeared as mysteriousely as the game itself. We finally stumbeled onto an old prospector path to nowhere and that is exactly where we ended up. After a few hours and hiking up to about 12,600 feet elevation, we finally looked aroudn and asked "Where the hell are we?"

We dragged out the map and decided we were in the wrong gulch, but were satisfied with our view and the soft patches of moss and high-mountain grasses. As we pitched our tent, a cyote passed by and a whistle pig started up conversation. Later we watched a family of deer traverse a mountain side I wouldn't venture to cross and we were serenaded by the sounds of the trilling rock birds.

It's funny how food always workd it's way into conversations when your selection is limited to what you carry in you pack, but I really liked the analogy that Dad brought up. He says that each of us have a set of passions that add kick ot our livess and the lives of others. At this point, I know lots of the ingredients in my sauce and am just tinkering with the measurements and instructions to perfect the recipe.

My Special Sauce:
Wilderness brand Adventure for a sweet and tangy base
Positive and Passionate brand energy for just a spicy kick
Loving brand Service to satisfy the soul
Relevant and Significant brand Knowledge for nutritional value

Looking over those ingredients now, I think I might be buffalo sauce!

Anyway, that buffalo wings sounded pretty good, and this was the closest we could get to chickens. Check out these little birds I found hanging out at about 13,000 feet in a tiny nest in the rocks. We were wandering around trying to find a different way back to the trailhead… that wasn’t really a trail head… and there it was, a tiny little nest with 2 baby birds and an egg. They were no bigger than the tip of my thumb and the nest itself was no bigger than a softball. Amazing little creatures in such a harsh environment. It would have been a tragedy to have not seen them and “CRUNCH!” after all their effort to simply survive. So many treasures in such surprising places!

Day6: Race Day Jitters

I was surprised at the energy in the room at the start of the race. There were so many people who have trained the whole year and were about to embark on an incredible feat of endurance and determination. What a neat group of people. So strange though. They all looked healthy, with a bit of wildness in their eyes. I don’t know if it was fear or crazy I saw, but lots of runners had it. The trouble is that I knew quite immediately that I was out of my league. I am healthy and strong… just with no desire to prove it like that. Good luck runners! Git r’ dun!

Day 7: The Big Climb

I couldn’t believe how steep it was and was sure glad that so many other runners had been through there kicking a staircase into the snow so that I could climb. I've decided that pictures can't ever do this justice.

Day 7: The Top of the World

So here we are on the top of the world. I think the elevation here is only 13, 100 or so, but the climb was incredible! The view was spectacular and it felt great to know that there was no more UP. Unfortunately, the down hurt me LOTS worse than the up. So much pounding, so much throbbing and baking in the sun took it’s toll on me and I was definitely done when we reached the Telluride aid station. Yae for us!!!

I'm Ascared, but Here I Go!

So this is it. The big adventure I have been training for is finally here, and I am no longer in "hard-core" training. I am allowing myself more carbohydrates to boost energy for the rigorous terrain and high-altitude living. The anticipation is just about too much for me... Either that, or I ate too much pasta at Olive Garden an my body is in shock.
I can't believe it is finally here. I wish I could say that I met all my goals, but what the hell. I can't win 'em all and I have ALWAYS had my head in the clouds when it comes to setting 'em in the first place. I guess it's better to shoot for the stars and hit the moon than never get off the ground. I am strong and happy and everything seems to be in working order. I have nothing to complain about, and I am not ashamed of what I have accomplished. I got the gear, I've trained hard and I am ready to tromp all over those mountains for the next 8 days. YAE for mountains! YAE for me!
I am really hoping it was enough, and that I am able to acclimatize well and quickly. Dad has been up at elevation for the last 7 days and should be pretty well ready for the big race. The next week with me should be a cake walk for him, but I have the distinct fear that it will hurt me a little bit. I have decided that fear is not a bad thing, so long as it adds to, not takes from the adventure.
John long, a famous climber, once stated "the caliber of the adventure is proportional to the level of doubt maintained." If I had nothing to doubt, no fear of possibly being a bit of a weenie, then it wouldn't be an adventure. Fear can be justified, and in the wilderness, it is ALWAYS better to be prepared for what might hurt you than to be lost out in the cold.
I have decided that it is far more important to understand my fear, than to overcome or suppress it. If I am not enough, the mountain will let me know, and it is an honest and worthy opponent. But oh the thrill of winning that battle and proving to myself that today, I am enough! Fear is nothing to be afraid of and I am woman enough to admit that I am a little scared. But I am scared in a motivated, excited sort of way and here I go. Wish me luck and pray that my dad is feeling good when I pick him up at mile 56.

Gratitude Sunday: Independence

Today I am catching up on my Gratitude Sunday entry and what better day to be grateful for my independence. I think of all the people who have made great sacrifices so that I can have the freedom to choose so many things. So many have done so much, even to the point of laying down their lives for my privilege to worship my God as I choose, define my values as I choose, chase the dreams that I choose and do so in the manner that is most fulfilling and happy for me.

Thanks to all the people who have fought to establish and defend that privilege throughout history. Thanks to all the people in the armed forces today who continue to defend those privileges and thanks to all the law enforcement and legal officials who uphold those privileges. Though the system is imperfect, it is the best we have and I am grateful for the independence and freedom it permits.

To be truly grateful for my independence, I must BE independent. I must take advantage of the opportunity to think for myself and define my true identity, my relationship with God and my real dreams. The freedom we celebrate on this 4^th of July should be celebrated in everyday choices and I am going to be intentional about my freedom to choose what I really want. My life is an adventure and I am so grateful for the opportunity to make it my own and enjoy the beautiful country I live in.

Big Dreams and Inspirational Twists

Have you ever had one of those inspiration moments when something that was never even a thought in you mind suddenly becomes your path? Or even the opposite when what you thought was your path forever, suddenly makes no sense for you at all? Well, I must be attracting a lot of that lately because the my most recent inspiration is a combination of the two.

My big dream for at least the last 10 years was to build a family adventure lodge somewhere in Alaska. Now I am thinking that I need to further develop my life coaching skills and make that my business somewhere in the lower 48! I am pretty convinced that my niche in that market has something to do with an adventure framework and I am certain that nature has a lot to do with my coaching environment. But outside of that, it is all VERY new to me.

I haven't given up on the adventure lodge and will probably still build it, but I think the purpose of that dream is for something bigger than vacations, and the timing of it is not quite so urgent. In the long run, my vision should look something like a life coaching spa with a focus and flare for adventure. The funny thing is that I see it much later than previousely invisioned. Something about the delayed timing makes more sense to me and I feel more peace about that.

I am interested to see how this new adventure plays out, and I am excited about the meaning and focus this new line of inspiration is bringing me. I will keep you posted on any big developments on this new twist to an old dream.

____________________________________________________

On the training dream: I am still in training and have increased my resistence strength by 10% and my distance endurance by 100%! Yae for me! I am still only 1/2 way to my weight loss goals, but even if I'm not lookin' super hot in my runnin' shorts, I am still going to be able to run it! Hey, I can always wear yoga pants, and no competitors gotz-da know that I didn't reach my goal weight when they are eatin' my dust!!!

Tell Me What I Want...

Do you ever wonder if you are spending your time and energy developing what you really want? Sometimes it is hard in the mundane, every-day tasks to know if I am really on course with realizing what I want most... And then there is the ever-impressive question of what that really is in the first place.

As the Spice Girls song requests, ‘tell me what I want, what I really, really want!’ Everyone, and I do mean EVERYONE, wants something. Some try to "inspire" me to take action like ad campaigns, while others are just inspirational because they are doin their own thing. The problem is that nobody knows what I really want (including me sometimes) and what someone else (or myself in a moment of insanity) may think is inspiration is really more of a distraction. The trick is discerning the difference between the two.

I think that is where the intuition comes in; that deep sense of right or wrong that helps me discern what is good for the development of my true self and the life I want most. Great! So all I gotta do is trust my heart… right?

Well, not entirely. My experience has proven that the Law of Attraction applies regardless of whether or not what I want is aligned with my true self, the potential self a loving God created me to be. Not only do I have to trust my heart, but define and know my compass on which I define what I really want.

There have been times when I thought I knew what I wanted and the knock-myself-out path to that end sucked all the joy out of my life. There have also been times when what I thought I didn’t want was exactly the fall-in-my-lap, joyful path to what I really do want most of all. In either case, there has always been an abundance of “inspiration” to encourage compliance with what others want, but not always what I want. So now the question is: If nobody can tell me, how do I know what I really want?

I used to rely on my parents, friends, spouse or church to define, or at least heavily influence that for me. But now I am thinking ‘DON’T tell me what I want!’ I have learned that defining my true self is far too important and personal to trust to someone else. If I don’t make defining what I want a personal quest with God, I am vulnerable to a lifetime of distraction, error and chaos. So how do I have a personal quest with God?

Some people believe that the answer is in the Bible or other religious texts, but I do not feel peace that any one book is a direct fax from God or unlocks the door to my true potential. Besides, there are too many interpretations, translations and different opinions supporting what someone else wants for it to be personal. Others think that it can only be found through trial and error, but I have wasted too much time in error and that hasn’t brought much peace either.

I feel that my God gave me purpose, inspiration and intuition. With those gifts, I believe He expects me to seek out my own purpose then think through the various “inspirations” and use my intuition before taking action. So now I have come to a place where I can be open to and respect what others want, get support from those that want the same, and make all my dreams come true. Perfect!

I am beginning to realize that knowing what I really want isn’t a destination, it is a life-long journey that is made beautiful by the friends and adventures in my life. To help guide me through that journey, I have taken the initiative to define what I know of my purpose and outline a few wants that I feel are in line with my true potential. It's a work in progress, but it gives me confidence that I can take any "inspiration", study it out with all the resources I can get my little hands on, measure it against something meaningful to me, and trust my instincts to keep me moving in a more joyful, fulfilling and spectacular direction.

May you too find your way to what you really want, find meaning in it and enjoy the adventure.

Gratitude Sunday: Living in Barrow

I have been asked many times “What brings you to Barrow?” Usually my response is pretty bland and impersonal as many people who ask are just making small talk. If I want to keep a low profile or feel a little untrusting of the person asking, I respond with an ordinary “My husband’s work.” If I feel more trusting and want to continue a conversation with them, I respond “Big Dreams and Pixie Dust!” But usually keep the real feelings and reasons to myself because I didn’t think that anybody really wanted to know.

Yesterday, I was asked in such a way that required a little more thought. I was with a group of women that I feel comfortable sharing more personal things with, and was met with “Why are you here in Barrow?” It was asked in the context of personal development and challenges we all face in our life path. My experience has taught me that every challenge is a lesson in personal development and once the lesson is learned, the challenge is over. So, I had actually been digging for a reason so that I could learn my lesson and get the hell out. It had been the topic of many, many prayers that had thus far gone unanswered.

I can usually flow with the awkward social situations and still come out feeling like I say what I mean and do so articulately, but not this time. My response was more a scattered rambling of learning to find God in a different way, finding new things about myself, my beliefs and my potential, strengthening our family and supporting my hubby in his career path. It surprised me how much the question rattled me. I don’t know if it was the question, the situation or the sudden epiphany of the real reasons I am here that made the whole thing so scattered, but I don’t really care. I am just ecstatic that I got a sneak peek into why I am really here and why these lessons couldn’t be learned another way in another place. It has given new meaning to my suffering and somehow made it a LOT more bearable. I actually feel gratitude for the experiences I am having here… Not the obvious loooooong winter and extreeeeeeemly harsh conditions, but the miracles and perspective those hardships are working in my life.

I have always gotten the most inspiration and direction in my life from the wilderness. This is, by far, the biggest, craziest most difficult wilderness I have ever experienced. At first I thought that Hell froze over and I moved there, and that God and inspiration had flown south for the winter... which by Barrow climate is a long-long time. But, my relationship with God has become a LOT more personal. At first I thougth that the sacrifices I am making would make me resent Ben for listening to my advice when encouraging him to apply and take the job. But, my love, respect and appreciation for him has grown immeasurably. At first I thoguth that the lack of outdoor opportunities would diminish our family identity and we would no longer have fun together. But, we spend a LOT more family time without the distractons of all the work of camping and entertaining and eating out... plus, I get to be a bigger part of Kaia’s development because I get to be a SAHM. At first I thought that Ben wouldn't get a lot of job experience or advancement opportunities up here. But, I was really wrong on that too. I can only imagine what more amazing insight and inspiration can come through our challenges here.

For the first time since I moved here, I can honestly say that it is a good thing. Not because of the amazing scenery, incredible recreational opportunities or the friendly weather, because those are a rare find here. It's a good thing because of the perspective it has given me, and the BIG step it has been toward what I really want. Whodathunkit?

Counting The Days

I am so excited to get out of Barrow and get some good camping in down in Colorado. I will be acclimatizing for about a week before the big race and will be catching these spectacular views! I was able to find these great pix of the places I will go and the things I will see. Enjoy!

View from the top of Grant-Swamp Pass [12,920'], looking south.
Fuller Lake can be seen in the extreme upper right.
And note the string of runners below in the grass at the far left.

Zoom-in of Bridal Veil Falls from Virginius Pass.Somewhere up there in the clouds on the right is Oscar's Pass, which our trail crested 11.4 miles ago.

Spin around 180-degrees, and this is the view north from Virginius Pass.
The green ridge at dead-center is Stony Mountain [12,698'], and our trail decends straight ahead, down the valley to it's base.
The low saddle on the horizon, at the extreme left, is Blue Lake Pass [13,000']. The peak to the right of the pass is Mount Sneffels [14,150'].
Peak on the right side of the picture with the spikey nub on its left side is Teakettle Mountain [13,819'].









At the top of the switchbacks, the trail leaves the shale and enters the igneous. Miners blasted this route out of the side of the cliffs just outside of Ouray.








View from Upper Blue Lakes basecamp (12,980 feet) for acclimitizing and training climb up Mt. Sneffels (14,150 feet).
















Looking back at Upper Blue Lakes basecamp from 1/2 way up the Blue Lakes Pass (ridge before the climb up Sneffels). Check out those yellow flowers!

A Fun Meme and The Secret

Have you ever hit the “next blog” button on the blogspot toolbar? I did and it brought me here. Amazing what I found about the law of attraction! Where does the "next blog" take you?

I have actually been thinking about the topic of my "next blog" a lot lately and trying to apply it to my goals. It's funny, but I think the law of attraction actually brougth me there. Anyway, here are a few good questions bolded and itallicsed I kyped from Million Dollar Project and attempted to answer. It actually inspired me to think through another Top Ten list of what I want. Unfortunately, it also left me with a few big questions of my own.

Do you know what you want – your desires?

1. I want to be healthy and strong enough to run 16.1 miles of the Hard Rock by July 13^th 2007.

2. I want to renew my wedding vows with my hubby on our 5-year anniversary in August 2007 somewhere beautiful.

3. I want to live below the Arctic latitude by January 2008.

4. I want to own my own investment property/home by January 2009.

5. I want to run a successful Adventure Lodge and start sharing my passion for Nature, Life and Adventure on a commercial scale by December 2020.

6. I want to teach my daughter healthy and happy life skills by December 30, 2023.

7. I want to have the financial freedom to travel to amazing wild places every year or so.

8. I want to be an inspiration and teach and be taught by everyone I meet.

9. I want to help others find peace and joy in their life path.

10. I want to leave a legacy of love, leadership, integrity and many shared adventures.

.
Do you know how to ask for what you want?

I think I do but I can’t be sure. I spend a descent amount of meditation time imagining how I will feel and what I would be doing on a daily basis when these dreams come true. I also speak to others as though those things are in my forecast. I also pray for guidance in setting my goals and strength to live the life that would get me there. But I wonder if I am jinxing it by putting time limits on the universe or putting too vague or too specific a desire out there. Am I close?

Are you able and willing to allow it to manifest in your life?

I think so, but sometimes I think I am self defeating when I am OFF and make posts like this. But when I am ON, I feel like some of these things are already mine… or at least that I am on the right path to making them happen. How can I make myself MORE able to allow it to manifest in my life?

You will learn the answers to these questions by taking inspired action.
You learn what you want and don’t want by acting in the world, by doing things. If you have never tried painting a picture, how do you know if you are passionate about it or not?
You learn how to ask for what you want by acting in the world. You learn how to allow it to manifest in your life by taking inspired action.

Okay, time for a deep question. How do you know it is inspiration and not just butterflies or excitement to do something impulsive or stupid? I think we have all misinterpreted inspiration and found ourselves in a bit of trouble… A certain spring break trip to Seaside and more than a few boyfriend disasters comes to my mind. Yah, those didn’t end so well, but things could have ended a LOT worse. But I digress. This is something that I have given quite a bit of thought to.

How do you know what God/ the universe wants for you? How do you know when you are on track with the plan? I think there are some actions that aren’t inspired and really set us back, so how do we avoid these and still live life to the fullest?

All I got for answers to these questions is that I have to trust my personal relationship with God/ the universe and that Christ/ grace and love will compensate for the impulsive and stupid things I mistake for inspiration. I also have to think that God will at least be understanding of my uncertainty in his methods of communication. Inspiration isn't always clear and the Bible just doesn’t help much with helping me define my personal life path toward leaving my mark and achieving my dreams.

The infinitely powerful universe wants to help us create what we desire. The universe has you on this earth right now so that you can create your desires.
We are not here to be miserable and live a life of struggle. The universe will help you create your desires. When we flow with this energy we become co-creators of our lives with the universe. The universal energy flow is working with you to create what you want. The universe does not fail. Inspired action takes your magical thinking and dreams and manifests it. It aligns your thoughts, feelings and actions.

If you stop struggling and relax and start flowing with the universal flow of energy, imagine the peace you would feel without having to struggle everyday in your life.

I partly agree with this. As I consider myself somewhat spiritual, I consider the universe to be a personal and loving God. I think that there is more to this life than our own desires. We have to align our desires with the desires that God has for us. That is a very personal and intentional quest. I know that we are not here to be miserable, but sometimes the valleys of our lives are where we learn the most powerful lessons, come closest to the truth of who we really are and what we can become and gain the sustenance and shelter that just aren't up there on the mountain top. I am a bit of a believer in “no pain, no gain,” but know that this life is meant to be enjoyed to the fullest. I also believe that I am a co-creator in my life. I am NOT a victim or a pawn, I am an active participant with real intentions and can create what I want with God’s help. It is all about that inspired action thing. And what is with the magical thinking? Is that like big dreams and pixie dust? Now it is just up to me to align my thoughts feelings and actions with what God really wants for me… yah, not so simple.

I completely agree with the stop struggling idea. I think it is like the sweet spot on driving a clutch; you have to struggle a little bit to find where it is, and that road is pretty rough, but once you find it, life is sweet and flows much more smoothly. Sometimes I think I am fighting too hard for something that really isn’t me. But growing up in sports, I’ve been taught that quitting the fight is loosing the battle. I guess it all comes back to picking my battles and aligning my life with God’s desire for me. I still haven’t found the sweet spot, but I feel a lot better about the road since I left Mormonism and showed up for my personal driving course with the manufacturer… God. Now if I can just learn His language...