A Fitness Adventure Entry

I know! Two posts in two days! This is fantastic. I've been putting it off because I was just too overwhelmed with all the stuff that I hadn't reported on, but I figure the last post will do. I still have to get some of the photos from the family vacation on here, but that will be another entry... that's right, I didn't forget the promise I made.

So, I've been doing a lot of reflection and self-psychoanalyzing. The truth of the matter is that I have become nutritionally abusive to myself and am starting to pass that on to my daughters. It's an addictin and it's ruining my life. I see the cycle continuing. Bad habits were formed for me in the womb. I don't blame Mom and Dad, they had the same problem that I have... evolution and a serious history of bad habits. But damned if I'm going to pass that on!

Well, I'm going to break the cycle. I'm going to evolve into something that is going to work for me, and be a strength and inspiration for my girls. I started My Food Diary (MFD) again www.myfooddiary.com and I love it. I've got a great support group there in the 65+ lbs to lose group and I have already lost 26.5 lbs with this program! It is a healthy habits deal that helps you track and record the right kinds of nutritional balance for your body and activity level. It is very personalized and it is about healthy habits moreso than actual weight loss, but the healthy habits make for weight loss.

So, that's right. I gained crazy weight with Mekayla. A whopping 76 lbs and it really sucks considering that I had worked so hard to lose those exact same 76 lbs and then some after Kaia. But the good news is that I know I can do it and I am doing it. I've set high goals to lose 10 lbs / month and blew that out of the water in January with 17lbs! I've been busting my ass at the gym and at home on days when the kids are too sick to stay at the play center while I work out.

I've been watching the Biggest Loser this season and LOVE those guys. They are so inspirational and I am convinced that this can be done at home. Sione proved that this last month with a 25 lb loss. There is a guy on MFD who lost 25 lbs last month too, so weightloss and healthy habits can be without the ranch. I think that they are burning up to 7000 calroies a day on that ranch and I figured if they can do that in one day, I can do it in one week. So I did for two weeks and I feel TONS better. It is liberating and empowering to gain control in such a meaningful way and have it show on the scale.

Ben hasn't noticed any changes yet, but he will. I think he will come home from his 3 week stint for training and see that something is different. By then I hope to be down another 10 lbs bringing me to 36.5 lbs total! Even with as big as I feel, that is going to look different. I will probably be into a size smaller too. Good thing I kept some of my old clothes. Never mind that they range from size 6-20. Ok, the size 6 is a skirt I kept from High-school... It's a goal skirt. But really, what the hell?!? Who changes that rapidly in just 18 months? I went from a healthy size 10 in December of 2006 to a whopping 22 in July 2008. The plan is to be back down to a size 10 by December of 2009. What an adventure that will be. So far, I am right on track.

My first mini-goal was to get below 250 and I'm there. Yup, this chick-a-dee is sitting fugly at 250 again. But that won't last long, in fact, by the time anyone realizes that I'm blogging again, I'll be less than that anyway. :) So, Ben and I are going out sans-kiddos to celebrate a whole bunch of things. My birthday, his birthday, valentines day and my weight loss milestone. The next one is 25 lbs down the road and I hope to be there by the time we head out on our annual leave in April.

So, there you have it. No more fat me. Just a healthier, more reasonable me who is on the way to fitness and good life-long habits. As part of that, I will be participating in my first ever triathlon. Its in June and I will still be pretty big for a triathlete, but I'm looking forward to it and am excited that the idea of it is motivating me in the gym. If Dad gets into the Hard Rock, it might be fun to pace him again like I did in 2007. We would have to work out the logistics of that, but I'm thinking I would be back down to about the same weight I was when I did it the last time too. That would be GREAT!

So here is the schedule with coordinating status and rewards:

Feb 4th- 250 Achieved
A Date night to a nice place without the kids

April 15th- 225
A Family Vacation to see family and 5 or 6 National Parks

June 24th- 199
A Triathlon, a weekend with friends who last saw me at 276 and hopefully a trip to Colorado to pace Dad on the Hard rock at about the same weight as I did 2 years ago.

Sept 16th- 176
Exactly 100 lbs from my heaviest (this time) and deserving of a big drip somewhere awesome... I'll have to think on that one.

Nov 25th- 155
My goal weight. A trip to Portland and a $2500 shopping spree!... or maybe I'll get nominated and accepted for TLC's What Not to Wear... who knows?

So there you have it. My Holiday confession of self abuse, a big outting myself party about my weight, and the breakdown of goals from now to Thanksgiving to hold my feet to the fire. If anyone is interested in joining a collective 100lb Weight Loss Challenge, let me know and we can use my blog to track it. All I'd need to know is your current weight and have you report that once in a while. Best of luck to you in your weight loss adventures.

My Fitness Adventure: Another Chapter

So, this last pregnancy did not treat me nearly as well as the first and I gained a whopping 76.5 lbs. Yes, it is terribly sad, but terribly true as well. The only reason I admit this embarrassing fact is that I have begun a new chapter in my fitness adventure. After my smashing success of losing the 104 lbs in 2006, I gained all but 3 lbs of it back by mid 2008.

I attribute most of this to the fact that I lost that weight by drastically cutting calories and eating imbalanced meal plans that left me feeling deprived and hanging on to 1 and 2lb weight loss by my fingernails. The sad truth is that I never developed a really healthy lifestyle. Yes, I was more active in my youth, but I was never really healthy. Now that I've had a few kids and a few years on me, my metabolism just aint what it used to be.

SO, all that prefacing and now the point. I have joined myfooddiary.com and am trying to learn the healthy living habits that I have neglected for far too long. It is a great program that appeals to my obsessive side and requires that I enter all of my foods and exercise in an on-line system. It's been slow getting started because I am learning which foods are really nutrient-rich and the portions in which to keep my carbos, fats and proteins in balance.

Overall, I am pleased with it and am actually quite surprised at how easy it is to live a normal life and still lose weight in a healthy way. The thing is that I will keep losing weight until I reach my healthy equilibrium and it will be a life-long change... not to rebound in just 2 years.

I've had some great success so far and am ready to admit my past failures in the hopes that it will help someone else with the same battles to fight. I have officially lost 35.5 lbs since Mekayla's arrival, and I'm feeling optimistic that this trend will continue... I'm sure not as quickly due to the extreme water weight that just flushed itself out, but I like this direction and expect it to continue.

As far as the program goes, it is doable. I stayed under calories today BY ONE! How does that happen? What are the chances that I would consume exactly 1799 calories? I'm just glad I'm under, I will take that 1 calorie margin and be proud as hell about it.

I also got some smilies for eating my fiber, vitamins and minerals, but nowhere near the perfect 12 that my obsessive personality wants to see. The sad part is that I don't really care too much right now. In fact, I almost have a feeling of spite about not getting them all. Take that healthy eating plan! I'm going to be imperfect and enjoy it! I don't know what that is going to accomplish. But that is the way that I feel. A far cry from the guilt and self-loathing that came with botching the other diets I've been on.

I don't know if this crazy attitude is anxiety about hubby going back up to work, frustration that I'm restricted by my parental responsibilities, or just plain exhaustion. Maybe a little of each. Either way, it's something that has to be addressed in a different way or things are going to peter out here really quick... or head to utter chaos.

I got 20 minutes of chores in and said "Screw it! Let there be MESS!" I really don't give a crap today. My best mess solution is to just get out of the house. Luckily we blew a transformer in our kitchen light and decided to make a family day of shopping 3 different stores to buy a new fixture. All of this with 2 kids is a workout in and of itself, but not really anything I can count and be proud of. I find myself making the all-too-convenient excuses.

Having a kid stuck to my boobie, shouldn't excuse as much as I let it. I swear that kid is going to suck my will to live right out my left nipple. I seriously don't know how I did this for 7 months with Kaia. But it is still no excuse to let everything go as I have done. It is time to start instituting some structure in our daily existence. It's time I start being more intentional about what happens when, because I am not getting anything done and Ben is going to be gone for the next 2 weeks... this is going to be tough. If I survive, it will be by the skin of my teeth.

As challenging as it is to find the balance in my new parameters of motherhood, there have been some big successes. Mekayla did fall asleep for about 2 hours allowing us to stroll her down to the lake for a bit. She slept while the rest of us played some fetch with the dog... at least HE got a good workout in... and it was nice to do something other than diapers and feeding.

And, if nothing else, the lake trip was good for comic relief. After about 10 minutes of warning Kaia not to go too close to the edge of the dock, Ben miss-stepped and went in the drink. I wasn't quite sure if I should laugh, or offer to help in some way. The look on his face as he realized there was nothing he could do to stop it was classic. Then he disappeared in frantic splashing before popping back up on the dock in total confusion.

After witnessing the whole event, and finding him dripping into a pool of muddy water, Kaia just had to ask the obvious "Daddy go whimming?" I'm sure she was totally confused as to why he would take a swim after warning her relentlessly about how dangerous the water was. I'm still not sure how it happened, but he was a good sport about it, and thank heaven's too because I don't know if I could have held in the laughter that was just screaming to come out.

Overall, it wasn't a bad day, but I think I am due for a little ME time... thus the blogging. Although, had I been more motivated, this time would have been spent on the treadmill. Take that you wretched fitness machine!

Conspiracy Theory or Fact?

I was forwarded this article, and think there is quite a bit of truth to it. I always get headaches after drinking Diet Coke, and usually feel quite anxious and lethargic if I have had more than one in a week. Even if this article isn't completely true, it would be worth it to me to give up the guilt-free indulgence. I do have a bit of an addiction, but I guess if I'm gonna indulge, it will be full-octane for me from now on.

Of course, it's gotta be in moderation, 'cause I can't afford all those calories! :) Anyway, this article is worth the read, and I would be curious to know if yall think there is any truth to it.


SWEET POISON:

In October of 2001, my sister started getting very sick. She had stomach spasms and she was having a hard time getting around. Walking was a major chore. It took everything she had just to get out of bed; she was in so much pain.

By March 2002, she had undergone several tissue and muscle biopsies and was on 24 various prescription medications. The doctors could not determine what was wrong with her. She was in so much pain, and so sick she just knew she was dying. She put her house, bank accounts, life insurance, etc., in her oldest daughter’s name, and made sure that her younger children were to be taken care of.

She also wanted her last hooray, so she planned a trip to Florida (basically in a wheelchair) for March 22nd.

On March 19 I called her to ask how her most recent tests went, and she said they didn’t find anything on the test, but they believe she had MS. I recalled an article a friend of mine e-mailed to me and I asked my sister if she drank diet soda? She told me that she did. As a matter of fact, she was getting ready to crack one open that moment.

I told her not to open it, and to stop drinking the diet soda! I e-mailed her article my friend, a lawyer, had sent.

My sister called me within 32 hours and told me she had stopped drinking the diet soda AND she could walk! The muscle spasms went away. She said she didn’t feel 100% but she sure felt a lot better. She told me she was going to her doctor with this article and would call me when she got home.

Well, she called me, and said her doctor was amazed! He is going to call all of his MS patients to find out if they consumed artificial sweeteners of any kind. In a nutshell, she was being poisoned by the Aspartame in the diet soda...and literally dying a slow and miserable death.

When she got to Florida March 22, all she had to take was one pill, and that was a pill for the Aspartame poisoning! She is well on her way to a complete recovery. And she is walking! No wheelchair! This article saved her life..

If it says ‘SUGAR FREE’ on the label; DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! I have spent several days lecturing at the WORLD ENVIRONMENTAL CONFERENCE on “ASPARTAME,” marketed as ‘Nutra Sweet,’ ‘Equal,’ and ‘Spoonful.’

In the keynote address by the EPA, it was announced that in the United States in 2001 there is an epidemic of multiple sclerosis and systemic lupus. It was difficult to determine exactly what toxin was causing this to be rampant. I stood up and said that I was there to lecture on exactly that subject.

I will explain why Aspartame is so dangerous: When the temperature of this sweetener exceeds 86 degrees F, the wood alcohol in ASPARTAME converts to formaldehyde and then to formic acid, which in turn causes metabolic acidosis. Formic acid is the poison found in the sting of fire ants. The methanol toxicity mimics, among other conditions, multiple sclerosis and systemic lupus. Many people were being diagnosed in error. Although multiple sclerosis is not a death sentence, Methanol toxicity is!

Systemic lupus has become almost as rampant as multiple sclerosis, especially with Diet Coke and Diet Pepsi drinkers. The victim usually does not know that the Aspartame is the culprit. He or she continues its use; irritating the lupus to such a degree that it may become a life-threatening condition.

We have seen patients with systemic lupus become asymptotic, once taken off diet sodas. In cases of those diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, most of the symptoms disappear. We’ve seen many cases where vision loss returned and hearing loss improved markedly.

This also applies to cases of tinnitus and fibromyalgia.

During a lecture, I said, “If you are using ASPARTAME (Nutra Sweet, Equal, Spoonful, etc) and you suffer from fibromyalgia symptoms, spasms, shooting, pains, numbness in your legs, cramps, vertigo, dizziness, headaches, tinnitus, joint pain, unexplainable depression, anxiety attacks, slurred speech, blurred vision, or memory loss you probably have ASPARTAME poisoning!” People were jumping up during the lecture saying, “I have some of these symptoms. Is it reversible?”

Yes! Yes! Yes! STOP drinking diet sodas and be alert for Aspartame on food labels! Many products are fortified with it! This is a serious problem. Dr. Espart (one of my speakers) remarked that so many people seem to be symptomatic for MS and during his recent visit to a hospice; a nurse stated that six of her friends, who were heavy Diet Coke addicts, had all been diagnosed with MS. This is beyond coincidence!

Diet soda is NOT a diet product! It is a chemically altered, multiple SODIUM (salt) and ASPARTAME containing product that actually makes you crave carbohydrates. It is far more likely to make you GAIN weight!

These products also contain formaldehyde, which stores in the fat cells, particularly in the hips and thighs. Formaldehyde is an absolute toxin and is used primarily to preserve “tissue specimens.” Many products we use every day contain this chemical but we SHOULD NOT store it IN our body!

Dr. H. J. Roberts stated in his lectures that once free of the “diet products” and with no significant increase in exercise; his patients lost an average of 19 pounds over a trial period.

Aspartame is especially dangerous for diabetics. We found that some physicians, who believed that they had a patient with retinopathy, in fact, had symptoms caused by Aspartame. The Aspartame drives the blood sugar out of control. Thus diabetics may suffer acute memory loss due to the fact that aspartic acid and phenylalanine are NEUROTOXIC when taken without the other amino acids necessary for a good balance.

Treating diabetes is all about BALANCE. Especially with diabetics, the Aspartame passes the blood/brain barrier and it then deteriorates the neurons of the brain; causing various levels of brain damage, seizures, depression, manic depression, panic attacks, uncontrollable anger and rage.

Consumption of Aspartame causes these same symptoms in non-diabetics as well. Documentation and observation also reveal that thousands of children diagnosed with ADD and ADHD have had complete turnarounds in their behavior when these chemicals have been removed from their diet. So called “behavior modification prescription drugs” (Ritalin and others) are no longer needed. Truth be told, they were never NEEDED in the first place! Most of these children were being “poisoned” on a daily basis with the very foods that were “better for them than sugar.”

It is also suspected that the Aspartame in thousands of pallets of diet Coke and diet Pepsi consumed by men and women fighting in the Gulf War, may be partially to blame for the well-known Gulf War Syndrome.

Dr. Roberts warns that it can cause birth defects, i.e. mental retardation, if taken at the time of conception and during early pregnancy. Children are especially at risk for neurological disorders and should NEVER be given artificial sweeteners. There are many different case histories to relate of children suffering grand mal seizures and other neurological disturbances talking about a plague of neurological diseases directly caused by the use of this deadly poison.”

Herein lies the problem: There were Congressional Hearings when Aspartame was included in 100 different products and strong objection was made concerning its use. Since this initial hearing, there have been two subsequent hearings, and still nothing has been done. The drug and chemical lobbies have very deep pockets.

Sadly, MONSANTO’S patent on Aspartame has EXPIRED! There are now over 5,000 products on the market that contain this deadly chemical and there will be thousands more introduced Everybody wants a “piece of the Aspartame pie.” I assure you that MONSANTO, the creator of Aspartame, knows how deadly it is.

And isn’t it ironic that MONSANTO funds, among others, the American Diabetes Association, the American Dietetic Association and the Conference of the American College of Physicians? This has been recently exposed in the New York Times. These [organizations] cannot criticize any additives or convey their link to MONSANTO because they take money from the food industry and are required to endorse their products.

Senator Howard Metzenbaum wrote and presented a bill that would require label warnings on products containing Aspartame, especially regarding pregnant women, children and infants The bill would also institute independent studies on the known dangers and the problems existing in the general population regarding seizures, changes in brain chemistry, neurological changes and behavioral symptoms.

The bill was killed.

It is known that the powerful drug and chemical lobbies are responsible for this, letting loose the hounds of disease and death on an unsuspecting and uninformed public. Well, you’re informed now! YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW!

PMS on a Diet

Um... THIS SUCKS!!! Ya know, if it wasn't for my goals and schedule, I would be found at the bottom of a Dorito's bag with chocolate on my chin and a doughnut in each hand and my hubby and kiddo would be hiding out under the bed! I am so frustrated with this white knuckling it gig that I am just 1 tantrum away from blowing it.

It's like trying to keep a school of pirhanas off a drumstick. Every time I turn around, there's one more reason to bite the head off of something. The problem is that I used to litterally bite into something to tame that urge... and now I have a conflict of interests.

I've actually been doing great at being ISHI from my last post, but I'm missing my PH because of the danged PMS. My schedule is pretty much holding me together, but I actually feel like I am on the first week of Medifast again, but worse! I figure if I can stick it out through the weekend, I will definitely meet my goal weight by Thanksgiving... yup, just in time to splurge and enjoy the holidays :) NO?

Well, I think that I will reward myself with a fantastic winter wardrobe (as if its going to look great under a gigantic down parka and snowpants ) and allow myself to enjoy 1 great meal each holiday WITH dessert and all the carbolicious sides JUST BECAUSE I CAN!

I am so looking forward to the health and strength and confidence that being in shape will afford me. I am craving an athletic body with everything I got working for me... not against me. I am craving a happy fit into a size 8 jeans and a sexy fit into the long abandoned lingere sitting in my bottom drawer. I am craving an acceptable finish to a mountain foot race in Anchorage next summer, and I am so looking forward to the ease and mobility of all the fun backpacking and hiking adventures in training.

I crave the freedom from the guilt of an undisciplined lifestyle. I crave the freedom from the stereotypes of the overweight. I crave the freedom from the addiction that has plagued me since college and am so ready for the freedom of self mastery.

My prime adventure depends on living each day at my prime. My prime adventure requires energy, fitness and endurance for a long-long life. If I am really going to leave a legacy of love, leadership, integrity and many shared adventures, I am going to have to love myself enough to go for what I want, lead a healthy lifestyle to influence and help others, be honest with myself about my food adiction and STOP CHEATING ON MY PROGRAM, and finally, I need to get fit enough to enjoy my edventures to the fullest.

If I can FOCUS ON THE GOAL, FOCUS ON THE REAL CRAVING and FOCUS ON THE PRIME ADVENTURE, I know that I will be living the life I was crated to live. I will have the peace and freedom that I crave and each day I succeed, I can savor the joy that comes from obtaining that.

YAE FOR SUCCESS!

I've Had ENOUGH!

This summer has been completely chaotic at best as far as developing a routine and structure for the development of our little Kaia. I think my neglect is really starting to show, and I have simply had enough of the incessant whining and wrestling and chasing down just to take care of the routine daily duties.

I finally dug up the old family values that my hubby and I agreed on back before Kaia was even in the picture, and we set up some new house rules so that Kaia can expect consistency and fairness from both of us. I figure that writing it down is a form of commitment so sharing it must take things a step further. It is important to me... one of the MOST important things to me to be a good mother, and this is going to help... A LOT!

I know our intentions are really good, but thus far we have done NOTHING to implement them. So here is our "Hail Mary" attempt as we launch into a renewed effort to be an intentional family.

HOUSE RULES
1	Respect each other's bodies, beliefs, feelings, spaces and things
	Things to be respected include:
	Guns
	Harmful Chemicals
	Medicines
	Dad's Uniform and Work Equipment
	Fragiles, Expensives and Irreplaceables
	Table Tops
2	Honor the family values
	Honesty: Always tell the truth and follow through on commitments
	Unity: Support and defend each other
	Neighborly Kindness: Give back to the community and help others
	Spirituality: Seek connection to God and Universe
	Adventure: See opposition as challenge and play hard
	Knowledge: Seek understanding of truth in all things
	Excellence: Give 100% to everything you do
	Respect: Always respect self and others
3	Live by your best understanding of truth and right
	Promote seeking truth and right, even if there may be opposing views.

We haven't quite agreed on a form of punishment and the spanking thing bothers me a great deal... besides, it's not working. There has to be a better way to enforce the positive behavior without threats or anger. When yall find the cure for that, let me know.

Anyway, I figured that it would be good to be more specific in our family goals and objectives and came up with this:

GOAL: Be PHISHI		OBJECTIVES
Progressive		Dedicate at least 1 hour/day to personal study and development time
Happy		Maintain a balanced daily schedule by weighing activities and prioritizing weekly
Inspirational		Dedicate at least 1 hour/day to achieving personal goals and 1 hour/week helping others do the same
Strong		Dedicate at least 1 hour/day for physical activity, family recreation or team sports
Healthy		Eat natural foods in healthy proportions by taking time each week to plan and shop for meals.
Intentional		Dedicate at least 1 hour/day to meditation, mission- oriented development and visualization.

Once establishing this, it was much easier to set up a schedule that meets my needs, Kaia's needs and stays in line with the family rules, values, goals and objectives. So, I came up with a great schedule to intentionally implement traditions and healthy habits into our daily routine.

At first it seemed like a crazy thing to attempt, but if I give a little flexibility to allow a 15-20 minute activity to take place anytime within an hour of it's intended time, things really go a lot smoother for everyone. I actually began implementing the week before we went on vacation and it worked out really well for everyone. Now I must re-dedicate myself to this so that I can keep my sanity and prepare for the long winter ahead.

Now I am looking at how to best fill the toxic hour between 5 and 7 with something that is meaningful to me and gives me a break and transition from my day. That time should be fun bonding time or simply recreational and there are some really good options.

There is a FREE open swim at the high-school during that time that was actually a lot of fun for both me and Kaia. I think with the child-care kids, she feels a little needy for mom at the end of the day and that is a great place and time to play together on Mondays and Tuesdays and Ben will even be able to join us every other Tuesday.

On Wednesdays, I think I will give to Daddy for a Daddy/Daughter date night and hit the open Gym for serious, uninterrupted weight training with a friend. Thursdays are really our best night to do a Date night, so I think I will try to arrange a baby sitter for that night and see if hubby would be interested in hitting up the lap swim, the open gym or see if there is a couples team sport we could do together and maybe even have dinner or a "treat" before or after.

Friday nights work best for our social nights as Hubby will sometimes have poker, and I may have Bunko, a Pure Romance Party or hit up the bingo hall for some wild and crazy girlz night goodness. I haven't quite figured out what to do with Saturdays yet. Maybe they will be floater days for Pure Romance Parties, the rare outdoor adventure (yah, while the temperatures are above 0 degrees anyway), or even my guilty pleasure... scrap booking/ play dates. Sundays are good for church and planning the activities for the following week.

I think that about covers it. Wish me luck on maintaining my determination to stick to this and regain and maintain my sanity as my two favorite addictions (mountain adventure and junk food) are not options with my current location and goals. Hey, If I can stick to it, I figure there won't be time for an addiction anyway and all that will be left is exactly what I want.

An Awesome Week in Anchorage

We flew down to Anchorage on Tuesday morning, retrieved our Jeep from storage and ran all over town celebrating our anniversary, visiting friends, shopping for houses and stocking up on supplies to bring back to Barrow. By the time we got to the weekend, we were completely exhausted, but couldn't help ourselves. We headed into the hills for some crazy off-roading, hunting, berry gathering and camping.

Now for the weekend confession: I cheated quite a bit on my program with tons of great dinners. I did stick to the (mostly lean) and green meals, but got a little reckless with the fats and even had 1/2 a piece of bread with my anniversary dinner. I snacked on cheese sticks twice and didn't get all of my medifast meals in... I also got so dehydrated my lips almost fell right off my face. The kick is that I was able to stick to my weight-loss program reasonably well staying under my calorie limit and staying in ketosis. Now that I am fully hydrated again, I actually lost 3.5 lbs last week! That is 15.5 total since starting Medifast 3 weeks ago, and 89 lbs from my heaviest. I still can't believe I survived all of this chaos and still kept on target. I think the mountains are my new addiction... well, they have always been my addiction, but now they are even more so.

Now I'm back in Barrow, with no mountains for hundreds of miles and heading into a weekend of 3 parties. If I can make it through this weekend, I will be temptation free till Halloween. Wish me luck!

Here are some great pics of all the fun in the beautiful Alaskan autumn:
*****
The sun kisses the mountain tops in Hatcher's Pass, just north of Anchorage. You can see another rig winding up the dirt road to the left. This is an amazing trip you must take if you are ever in Anchorage. A stock, rental car could make it over the dirt road, but I wouldn't take it off on any trails. *****
Kaia got a kick out of the rugged ride. She only got scared a couple of times with the crazy articulation of the jeep and one deep river crossing. It was hillarious to see her get such a kick out of Ben's aggressive driving, but I did feel bad when she sat forward in her seat with eyes as big as pumpkins and mouth as tiny as a pea saying "oooh, oh, WO, WAH, WOAHHH!" as we headed into the rushing water up over our 35" wheels... I guess that would be pretty scarry as she is only about 28" tall.

*****
A great picture of our good-friend Brian crossing the river in his suburban he so lovingly calls 'Big Sub' ... hummm, wonder how he came up with that one. He'll try to cross anything and I've seen him swamp it once and come really close 2 other times!
*****
Here is an awesome picture of our new friends Dean and Jesse on the rocky trail we played on for 8 hours. Check out the vibrant fireweed and the amazing contrast in the fall foliage! I. LOVE. MOUNTAINS!!!
*****
Here are the boys and their toys. Jesse, Brian, Hubby, Dean and Justin. I'm a little biased, but I think our Jeep ROCKS! It's by far the best looking and has the creature comforts that most off-road buddies don't get to enjoy as they are rattlin' along the highway or bumpin' through the woods.
On a tastier note, all the red you see in the mountain carpet are low bush blueberry leaves. We had a great time helping ourselves to hundreds of the billions just chilling in the crisp fall air.
SO TASTY SWEET!!!*****
Hubby (on the right) shot his first Ptarmagain with one shot. That is Brian (on the left) with his feathered prize. I am proud to say that we had Carribbean-Style, Dutch-Oven Ptarmagain for Dinner that night and it was super yum... hummm, I wonder what ptarmagain ranks on my weight-loss program? Tastes like chicken, but I'm guessing LOTS leaner and definitely organic!

*****
Here's the campsite our last day out. It rained all night and snowed on the tops of the mountains we had just been up trecking around and picking berries in.*****

My Fitness Adventure

I started my fitness adventure on January 2, 2006. My hubby snapped this picture just 3 days AFTER I gave birth to lil’ one. You could guess by my expression that I was NOT amused. I would have to say that this was, BY FAR, the worst I have ever physically looked and felt in my entire life. Granted, it wasn’t all weight related, and that fantastic moo-moo is far from flattering, but I know it would have been a LOT less miserable had I been more fit. You can’t really tell how bad it was, because I never let anyone take photos of my whole self unobstructed. The computer generated model based on my beginning stats was created here.

I was a size 24 weighing in at 278.5 and couldn’t walk around the block, let alone enjoy a real life adventure. I was alive, but not living the way I was created to live. I knew that I would never find happiness in this depressed condition because it just wasn’t me. My life had tragically derailed somewhere, and I needed to get back on track.

I assessed my habits, activities and obstacles in the way of living my PRIME adventure and even had to reevaluate that adventure all together. I discovered that my fitness was only a small part of the bigger problem. I found more than one “conviction” that just didn’t work for me anymore and had to make a lot of pretty big changes to jumpstart the life I was designed to live. So, I quit working on someone else’s agenda and started working on my own.

I joined Weight Watcher’s and was back to the pre-pregnancy at 4 months on my fitness adventure. This was the only picture of that timeframe where I wasn’t completely hiding. I was thrilled to feel good enough to travel, shop and accessorize, but I still felt lost and out of control. I wasn’t confident with me. It wasn’t about the appearance as much as it was about feeling trapped in a body that didn’t match my adventure.

I plateaued here for a few months before joining my mom at the Metabolic Research Center for weight loss. I received some great coaching and worked with the program for about 6 months and dropped down to a size 12 weighing in at 175. This was a fun time of many adventures that were meaningful, fun and in line with my true self. I wasn’t ashamed or afraid, or hiding from anything! I felt sexy, confident and in control. I wasn’t invisible anymore; and I really liked the freedom of fitness.

However, I want more. I want fitness on a higher level, maybe even competitive. I want to compete in adventure races, but more than that, I want to be able to have my own adventures with ease and comfort. I was built to live an adventure in the mountains and that is always more fun when you’re only packing stuff that can make your life more enjoyable.

I think an athletic 160 lbs would treat me really well and would be more in line with my PRIME adventure. It would be great if all I had to lose were those pesky 15, but I lost my vision in the dark of Barrow and gained back a whopping 40. I was able to shed another 15 when I trained to pace my dad on the Hardrock, but gained 10 back when I returned to Barrow. I am tired of the yo-yo gig and need a little help to get the progress to stick.

So, I joined my mom on another program called Medifast. They requested that I take a really good “before” picture, but I am a big chicken and am going to refer you to the computer model for my “before” and “after” pix for 4 more months until I can get you a real life “after” shot.

I am SO ready to have my prime body so I can optimize my PRIME Adventure. This is something completely under my control, and I am no longer going to make excuses about my difficult environment, or why I can’t make it happen; and I'm even considering registering for an adventure race next summer to keep me on track and maintaining the success. YEEHAW!!!

On My Health Kick Again!

OK. That’s it! I got on the scale and saw that since my fantastic health kick back in July, I have gained a whopping 10 lbs! That really sucks because now I know that if I am ever to gain and maintain my happy state of health and fitness, I am going to have to WORK at it every day! However, I am feeling a real frustration with where I am and have decided to jump start my health with Medifast.

I plan to lose 40 lbs and would really like to do it before Christmas. I am certain that it must be done and convinced that I can do it. So here we go! I started the program yesterday with a nasty head-cold issue and really haven’t been all that hungry. Go figure. Anyway, I can’t tell if the headache is from the sinus stuff or from Medifast but am really leaning toward the sinus stuff being the source of all my problems.

Anyway, I have done some soul searching into why I have such an addiction to food and what I can do to overcome it. I know that just not eating any is not a good long-term fix, so I am definitely going to have to get to the bottom of this sometime quick.

I talked about this before here. But since then, I have realized that I use food as a treat for everything. If something good comes my way or I have success at something, I treat myself with food. If I had a hard day, am worried, bored or feeling sorry for myself, I treat myself with food! I don’t want to overlook the chemical dependency aspect either. If I am sick, PMSing or just dragging ass, food is a quick and inexpensive way to pick up the endorphins and serotonin in the system.

The problem is that I am realizing that it really isn’t all that inexpensive. The $ value is deceiving because it really doesn’t take into account the damage caused to my self esteem and confidence, the “larger” wardrobe I have to purchase, the medical bills for increased health problems that will only continue to rise exponentially and of course the cost of all the diet programs I try in desperation. So, really, when I treat myself with food, I am spending literally thousands of dollars on CRAP!

So, as a wise financial maneuver, I am going to treat myself with pedicures, weekend get-a-ways, hair highlightings, fun hobbies and adventures. When I am triggered to “treat” myself with food, I am going to “treat” myself to something much more valuable and much less costly. The problem is that it is going to take more work and planning... especially here in Barrow where resources are scarce.

To take some of the work out of the equation, I did a little brainstorming to list more cost-effective ways to treat myself and this is what I cam up with:

If I am alone with lil’ one-
Pull out my scrapbooking gear and play
Get on the internet and blog
Wrestle and tickle and play with kid toys
Go for a walk or beach comb
Paint our toenails

If I am alone with Hubby-
Sex is always a good treat
Massage may require some bribing, but it’s worth it
Movie is an easy go-to outlet
Bath Time (where we used to go to chat)
Go to gym and workout

If the family is all together-
um… well, everything I can think of depends on more than one circumstance that we don’t have any control over and rarely work in our favor… We gotta get the hell out of here so we can go camping, hiking, snow mobiling, off roading, fishing, backpacking, snowshoeing, bowling, skating and enjoy sporting events, museums and zoos. I would even go for window shopping at the mall if there were such a place here… but noooo; No such things in Barrow! This place sucks for family entertainment. I guess that isn’t fair, we have had 5 or 6 days where the stars all aligned and we were able to go out and enjoy 4-wheeling, snow mobiling and 2 beach campfires… but my treat cravings are FAR more frequent.

If I am all by myself-
Yah right, like that ever really happens, but if it did, I would go trail running for a good 3 hours, come back and take a loooong hot shower and then get some uninterrupted time on the internet. Now that would be a treat!

If I am out with the girls-
That would be a treat in and of it's self!

Childhood Scars, Addiction & Self Discovery

Dr. Laura Smith (a psychiatrist that Oprah frequently features) had once mentioned something about childhood wounds. She says that nobody escapes childhood without some kind of battle scars and I never really thought too much about it. I had always considered my childhood pretty uneventful. I guess I had a few issues with my hot temper and some mean grade-school kids, maybe a situation or two in high-school with a friend or boyfriend, but I really can’t say that it was all that rough… always dramatic, but not really all that painful. I always had my mom there to help coach me through it and I knew that my home was a stable and safe place for me to recover.

I always considered myself pretty successful and happy through at least junior high and high school. In fact, I considered myself part of, or at least accepted by the popular crowd. I even ran into some old school mates when I was visiting at home last time and they told me that I was the girl that every girl wanted to be, and every guy wanted to be with… (What?!? Why didn’t I ever catch onto that?)

Anyway, I digress. The point is that it wasn’t until just this week, in Barrow of all places, that I realized that I do have childhood wounds! I was having a conversation with one of my newest real-life friends at the gym and discovered that we are both feeling like we don’t measure up, that somehow we aren’t good enough. It was something about the way that she said it that made me snap back to all the great successes that I have had in my life and the feeling of insignificance… the feeling that my hard work and sacrifice were never good enough.

Good enough for whom? Who was I trying so hard to impress? Why did I so desperately need that validation? Then I remembered a letter I once wrote my dad using those exact words in relation to not feeling good enough or not measuring up to his expectations. I remember feeling really rejected and frustrated that I wasn’t enough to make him proud. I must have been about 17 when I wrote that… Whoda thunk that a 10-year-old memory would sneak up and kick me in the ass?

I can’t really pin-point one experience, but a long history of constantly feeling that my best was never good enough for him. My graduation from high school was met with “good, now you can move out of the house.” He even handed me $1500 and said “make sure that lasts till you get a job ‘cause that’s all you’re getting.” Even my graduation from Dad’s Alma mater was undermined by the impression that my major wasn’t hard enough, or profitable enough or respectable enough on some level. My most recent was last August when I had lost 100 lbs. and his response was "Great! How many more do you still have to lose?" Wow! That really hurts. I didn’t realize how painful all that was until just writing it out now.

There was a time when I stopped caring. But those were the roughest years of my life. I looked for approval elsewhere… and got it… but you and I both know how empty addictions are. Boys gave me all the approval I could ever need until they got what they wanted. Alcohol only clouded my judgment, and "everything looks fine with beer goggles on." I even tried some mysterious brownies once, but all that did was really convince me that drugs are NOT, nor ever will be my thing… but that story is for another post.

The crazy thing is that it wasn’t until I weeded out those “addictions” and became the equivalent of a Catholic NUN that I felt that I truly had my dad’s respect. I felt like he respected the fact that I had the guts to completely change my life and dedicate it to helping others. I thought that this was a turning point and that he was going to start approving of my life choices from there out. But mission life isn’t real, and it doesn’t last forever… Thank You God! So then I got married. Dad was having some issues with the church he raised me in, and the fact that he wasn’t sure about the whole temple gig probably played into the stress of the event. Then there was the bit about him not liking Hubby AT ALL. At any rate, he made it perfectly clear that he didn’t approve… and that story too is for another post.

So, I have been thinking about the long-term effects of these life-long feelings and discovered that there may be something in them holding me back from reaching my potential. I am not going to sit here and write about how my daddy didn’t love me… because I know that he did. I know that even today, he would lay down his life for me without even thinking twice. The truth is that it all comes back to the spirit of the intention vs. the result of the mistake… or series of mistakes. I know that often times, his intention was to protect me and teach me and love me, he intended to be encouraging and loving and inspiring in so many ways. I actually told him once in a good heart-to-heart “Dad, your intentions are good, but your delivery sucks! You might wanna work on that.”

At any rate, I thought that I had chalked most of it up to his issues and gotten over it, but now every time I don’t feel like I am good enough, I am driven to the cupboards… I call it addiction transfer: From indiscriminate boinking to indiscriminate eating. (Well, not all that indiscriminate on either, I have my standards. I prefer fun and tasty… men and food. It is actually pretty ironic how my favorite addictions have had and now have the least substance.

So, why do I write all of this deep craziness? I am trying to get to the bottom of why I am addicted to junk food, and what I can do about it. I have the feeling that no matter how many diets I go on, or how many pounds I successfully lose, they will always come back with interest because the root of the problem is not being addressed. I can treat the symptoms of flabby abs and chunky butt, but they will keep coming back until I have the courage to deal with the source.

I recognize that as much as I love my dad, he isn’t the most important influence in my life. I rarely speak to him, and never really feel rejected by him anymore. I cherish the time we get to spend together and am really looking forward to our trip next month. So what is rejecting me now… ME!? I would much prefer to think that it is triggered by something outside myself, something that I can easily identify and eliminate.

Is it the media? I already have enough evidence to say that THEY don’t know anything and aren’t worth basing my worth on. Is it genetic OCD, once repressed but now catching up to me? I can get counseling and meds for that. Was it a lifetime of being Mormon? Well, I decided that this was part of it and eliminated it, but it didn’t entirely fix the problem, it just helped me see and admit that there was a problem.

What is it? How do I beat this monster? How do I overcome an enemy I don’t even know and can’t see? Oh, I wish there were an easy button. Maybe I just need to face the fact that though I am not mad at my dad, and don’t blame him for my troubles, I still want him to know how it made me feel. Maybe I just need validation that he thinks I am okay now. But why would I be basing my worth on his opinion? It’s important to me because I love and respect him… but is it really where I base my worth? NO. Plus, I wonder what good it would do to hurt him like that. He too suffers from OCD and I think it would really eat at him to have his mistakes from 10+ years ago regurgitated and thrown back in his face. I really don’t feel like this is going to get me the results that I am after.

I could blame it on my hubby. Maybe it has something to do with losing myself since we got married, or not getting enough support. Maybe we don’t have sex enough. Hey, maybe I should try to transfer the addiction back to sex!?! That sounds fun… But what if it is too much pressure on Hubby and he doesn’t want to perform, or the performance isn’t passionate enough of validating enough to fill the void and one or both of us start looking elsewhere? THAT would really suck. Plus, I am trying to get to the root of the addiction, not transfer it back to another destructive behavior.

I know that I am not the only person in the world that feels this way. In fact, I know that a lot of women, especially mothers, have similar feelings and addictions. I don’t want to focus on the problem, but the SOLUTION. I want to know how other mothers fight it. I would love any advice anyone can offer. Post a comment, post a post on your blog and direct me there, send me a private e-mail, anything could help. Even just knowing that I’m not alone is comforting.

When I feel this desperate, I talk to my mom. She said that she put all of her worth into her children and THAT didn’t work… I don’t know what she was trying to say… either that she thinks her kids aren’t that spectacular or successful and therefore don’t give her enough worth as a mother, or that placing the control outside herself put her in a state of helplessness and worry. I tend to think the latter is truer than the former because she fights her own vicious battle of food addiction.

HEY! THAT’S IT! I have to base my worth on what I control. Looks like the monster IS inside me… it is some sick way of thinking that has chained me to my addiction and I think I may be on to how to fight it. I have to retrain myself to base my worth on something that is meaningful and substantial and IN MY CONTROL; I have to retrain myself to get my validation from the Universe, or God or… or Myself!

Crap! Now I am starting to sound like that Smiley guy from Saturday Night Live who always says "I’m good enough; I’m smart enough, and dog on it, people like me."

Anyway, now that I have identified the “stink” I can work on getting it out! I know what is meaningful to me, but what do I control? THAT, my friend, is another post. I will probably be starting a new label called “beating addiction” for this and other related posts. Stay tuned for more ramblings self discovery and the saga ov beating my addiciton.