My One Word

When I first started blogging, I was inspired to come up with a one word focus for the year. It is an interesting concept that lends itself to bettering the world and bettering my personal universe. This one word is supposed to be a guide or a goal for making progress on a daily basis. I started with CHANGE in 2006. In 2007 it was INTENTION. 2008 got a little muttled with the difficulties of pregnancy, but the word to best describe it would b EXPAND. I expanded in patience, in family members, in humility and in size. Yay for pregnancy! I also expanded my comfort zone to include a few new ideas and hobbies. So that was 2008.

My one word for 2009 will be GRATITUDE. I want to show my gratitude for my body by taking better care of it. I also want to teach my girls to appreciate and take care of their bodies. I want to show more gratitude for the earth by being more proactive about conserving energy and utilizing all of my resources in a responsible way. I want to show more gratitude for my friends and family by making a stronger effort to keep in touch and encourage them in their own goals.

This one word is something that I have always felt in spurts, but have always been a little inept with demonstrating, and I've been really irresponsible about teaching it to my children in the past. No more though. My girls are going to learn how to appreciate the little things, take care of the big things.

I hope that everyone will take a few moments to identify a one word that inspires them to make positive changes and find meaning in their lives over the course of the next year.

We Won The Lottery!!!

Well, we technically didn't win, but our friends did and gave us all the gold! Each year Denali National Park only allows 400 personal vehicles to travel the entire 97 mile length of the Denali Park Road and they hold a road lottery to determine which 400 get to go. It's outrageous! It costs $10/ ticket and you aren't guaranteed the specific date you request as only 100 cars are allowed each day over a 4-day "weekend." Even if you win, you still have to pay the $45 for the day pass and redeem it by 12pm the day of your lottery winning. But it is WORTH IT!Ben's friends had somehow scored 12 tickets and won 2 passes and invited us to join them for a spectacular journey through one of the most amazing places on earth. I can't imagine enduring that trip the way everyone else has to... by 16-hr-super-expensive-and-crazy-bumpy bus ride. It was nice to have the privacy, comfort and pace of driving our own vehicle. I'm certain that we wouldn't have another chance like this and we took full advantage.
It was incredible, almost like something out of a Dr. Seuss illustration. The bushes were purple, the trees were the most amazing golds and fluorescent greens, and the contrast of the fresh snowfall over the turquoise glaciers and black craggy cliffs were out-of-this-world SPECTACULAR! Photographs never do it justice, and the grand scale of the place is just unbelievable.I love being in places where I feel so small and yet so much a part of everything. The beauty of the wilderness always gives me a sense of connectedness and gratitude for life and the creator of it all. What an amazing experience to share with the family! Well, Kaia may remember it for all the wildlife we saw. But, I am sure that Mekayla just hated being in the car that long. I just hope that I get to bring both my girls back here someday to enjoy it how I enjoyed it.
We started the trip with keeping a wildlife tally in our heads. It didn't take long to discover that paper would be a much better method. At the end of the trip we had the luck of seeing 1 Red Fox, 1 American Beaver, 1 North American Porcupine, 2 Collared Pika, 2.5 Snowshoe Hares (one road kill that was being eaten by ravens to account for the .5), 3 Bald Eagles, 5 Mountain Goats, 6.5 Arctic Ground Squirrels, 8 Moose, 9 Grizzly Bears, 13 Dall Sheep, 18 Caribou and countless unidentifiable birds of prey riding the thermals along the steep mountainsides.

I did get a few wildlife shots, but my zoom isn't powerful enough to tell what is what. For more info and photos of Denali National Park, click here

Off-Road Fiasco

So I promised a post about the Off-Road Adventure that took Hubby and Kaia into the wee hours of the morning... 4am to be exact. Here are a few pix to help tell the story.

Wednesday night Ben got a call from his buddy to go help recover a Ranger from out at the glacier (20 mile off-road trip). Apparently, the guy tried crossing the river in a bad place and his rig floated downstream and flipped.
The guy offered $1600 to fetch it, so off they go into the night only to return at 4am with mud-covered rigs and NO Ranger. Not to mention the fact that my kid comes back wearing nothing but a diaper to her knees (clearly not changed all day), a peanut butter/sand concoction all over her face and a crazy hairdo like she's coming off a 2-day crack binge! And sure, that is the perfect example of a snuggle buddy honey, throw her right in between the sheets just like she is!

Well, we recovered from Wednesday and had planned to make a family camping trip out of it this weekend. Unfortunately, the kids got sick... throw-up sick... and I thought it irresponsible to take them out in the rain for hours on end while the boys try again to recover this rig. Though I was really looking for a way to feel okay about being irresponsible, I couldn't do it. So Ben went without us, and had a great time wheelin' around in the mud.
Anyway, long story getting longer, Ben went back out there and swamped our jeep... AGAIN! I have decided that it is a "Family Recreation" activity and I need to be there to keep Hubby from turning wheels-up in the river too. Here's the picture that had me questioning my hubby's judgment. What gets me is the expression on our dog's face with water only inches from the bottom of the window... in a lifted jeep on 35" tires! That water must have been a good 4 feet deep! UGH!
The good news is that they were able to recover the Ranger, the damage is minimal and Ben already has practice pulling out the upholstery in that rig as this is the second time he has swamped it. Even better news is that now we have some extra cash and all the parts to put a snorkel on the jeep so we don't have to run the risk of permanent engine damage. So far, we have been really lucky, but our luck will run out sometime and I just want to be prepared as possible.

All I gotta say is that I would have been furious if Ben had pulled that crap with me and my babies in the rig. I'm still a little ticked that he swamped it the first time with me and Kaia in the rig nearly 2 years ago... and I'm not even a grudge holder. I guess things could have been a lot worse and I should be grateful.

Gratitude Sunday: The Little Things

It has been a while since I last posted a Gratitude Sunday. Not that I haven't had much to be grateful for, but because I have been really lazy. I have been thinking a lot this week about the things that I have gone without for so long and had taken for granted. Even when they were gone, I took them for granted until I go them back.

With pregnancy comes many discomforts and inconveniences and I would like to take a moment to list a few of the things that I have enjoyed so much about NOT being pregnant anymore. For a few of my readers, I apologize that for the insensitivity to your pregnancy status. If you are one of the lucky ones who can do pregnancy beautifully and don't have discomforts or inconveniences like these... You can be surrogate for my next kid, 'cause I ain't doin' this again!

1. I can fall asleep and wake up in the same position... EVERY TIME!!! I know this is partly because I only sleep in 2.5-3hr shifts, but it is nice to sleep straight through those hours and not be wakened by the numbness in my arms, legs or fingers or the incessant tossing and turning with a gigantic belly.

2. I can take my scalding-hot-turn-my-skin-pink showers that I love so much and actually stay on my feet without feeling faint or worrying about cooking my baby.

3. I can go up the stairs, do laundry, sweep the floor and put away dishes without getting winded.

4. Though I am still crazy tired, I have more energy and motivation than I have had in MONTHS!!!

5. I can easily put on socks, pants, underwear and even give myself a pedicure!

6. I no longer have the intense cravings for high-sugar / high-fat foods that helped me pack on the unsightly pounds I accrued with pregnancy.

7. I'm still pretty emotional, but not nearly as cranky. I attribute this to the leveling out of the hormones.

8. My boobs once again protrude further out than my bellybutton.

9. I can have a regular bowel movement... on a regular basis.

10. The really big number on the scale is finally decreasing at a steady and acceptable rate.

More BIG Changes Coming

Finally we are feeling settled in and ready to call it home. All the Christmas decor is up and cheery, and all the necessities are in place to make it reflect our rugged style and spunk. Just as we are getting comfortable, I realize that I missed my monthly visit from aunt flow. So, the day I went into town to pick up hubby from his first stint in the village, I find out that we are expecting kiddo #2!

If our calculations are right, it should be near the end of July when everything will change again. We have been talking about doctors, delivery options and, of course, how we are going to make room in our new place for a newborn. I think it was all a bit overwhelming for poor hubby.
"SURE! I come home from a month in the village and find my house looks totally different and my wife is knocked up!"

I think he is still in disbelief that we have a new place, a new cat and now that we are definitely adding another member to our little family, it may have simply pushed him over the edge. I am excited; I think he is too. It's a happy feeling in our house and I am a bit surprised that the feelings and excitement about baby #2 is just as unnerving and intense as for baby #1.

I'm just a little overwhelmed with the whole prospect of finding a doctor who can honestly talk to me about my options in delivery. I would really like to be there for the birth of my baby. The last time I was exhausted from 24 hours of labor, a super-crazy drug cocktail and the loss of too much blood from my emergency c-section. And to think I went in thinking I was going to do it a' natural! Actually, I think I am going to have a hard time finding someone up here qualified and willing to do a VBAC. BUT if my insurance covers it and I can find one, I think that is option one. Option 2 is just scheduling the c-section. We shall see.

If there is anyone out there who has had a VBAC, let me know if it is worth it. I would really like to know if there is someone here in Wasilla who will do it. If you know, PLEASE pass along a referral. Thanks!

Grateful to be back in the blogworld and more

I have had some crazy computer issues lately. I think that it has something to do with the internet browser, but this is the first time I have been able to sign into my blog in about a month! I was feeling so deprived and almost violated. If I wasn't so bussy with getting settled in our new place, I might have done something about it. I'm just glad to be back!

I finally feel like this is home now. I'm settled enough to sit down and resume life as usual. It's been an expensive endeavor, but I think that things should get back to normal sometime in January. Who knew that actually putting up curtains would be so expensive? I figure that if you buy a house figure 5K in closing costs and 5K in opening costs. Well, not quite 5K. It would be nice if we had that kind of money to decorate with, but there are a few things that we simply could not do without... IE a microwave was a must.

I don't know how people fed themselves without one... let alone kids. Times must have been really rough before the microwave. So again, I am grateful for the fact that we now posess the miracle machine of luch cookers and dinner thawer outers. YAE FOR MICROWAVES!!!

Things are comming together really well, and I am excited to show Hubby the improvements when he comes home on Thursday! I can't wait to see him. I gotta tell ya, being the woman AND the man of the house is really tough business. Kudos goes out to all the women who have to do both full-time. I, for one, do not care if I NEVER have to hook-up, back-up or load-up a trailer by myself again. It really sucks... that, and I really suck at it. This particular duty has been and always will be reserved for the man of this household.

I had a fight with the garbage this week and appearantly lost. I think there was a mix up with getting our trash pick-up ordered and so I had 2 weeks of garbage, and packing materials and such piled up at the end of my driveway. Dogs were getting into it, so I took the initiative, backed up to the trailer, loaded everything up and headed for the dump. It took a good 3 hours from start to finish on this "take out the trash" job, and I only lost the garbage cans on the highway once. Thankfully they were empty when that happened. I'm an advocate of "leave no trace" but I actually thought about leaving them there vs. backing up the trailer and reloading/strapping and hauling them home. But I didn't and we all made it home without further insodent.

Well, that';s not entirely true, I did almost hit a tree and a parked truck while backing up before we actually completed the entire adventure. The good news is that everyone was ok. I was just a little dirty, frustrated and cold when all was done and over with.

The problem is: NOW hubby wants me to hook up the trailer AGAIN and go get his tires from Anchorage... Um, I am really not at all excited about that one. The thing that sucks is that he would be all jittery like a puppy ready to go play catch if it were his job. HE LOVES hooking up his trailer and driving around picking up his toys. I just don't get how spending 3 hours on transporting heavy, dirty things that need to be strapped down and run the risk of flying off the trailer into oncomming traffic can be a good way to spend my time.

Anyway, that is why our marriage works so well. I am just hopping that the need to do that kind of thing is really minimized... or at least condenced into the 2-weeks that he is home. So, today I am gratful for surviving the ordeal, for a hubby who likes that kind of ordeal and all the fantastic things that make my house a home. The only thing I am missing is Hubby and he will be her soon. Life is good!

Gratitude Sunday: A Ticket Outa Here

I am so excited about our big trip to Anchorage. It is partly our anniversary celebration, but mostly a recon mission to find a home and PLAY. I have learned to appreciate things about Barrow, and I will probably miss parts of it when we move, but right now, I'm just grateful to have a ticket outa here.

Tuesday Night is our anniversary dinner. On Wed., We are doing the shopping thing then going out with friends. On Thurs, we are house hunting and probably getting stuff ready for the weekend which will be spent trecking and wheeling through the mountains. YAE!!!

I've got big plans to stay on my program, and it might just happen. I will give myself one night to indulge in the buffalo chicken salad I have been craving, but I am really going to try to avoid the carbs so that I don't undo the 12 lbs I have worked so hard to lose... again. Hopefully, I will still lose a pound or two next week, but we shall see.

Weekend Confessions & Gratitude Sunday: My Side Job

With temperatures now in the 30's and losing 45 minutes of light each day, I was starting to get a little depressed about the upcomming winter. Then I really started to consider getting a job... but I didn't want to abandon Kaia, or be stuck in a job I didn't like. So, for my big weekend confession:

I signed on with Pure Romance, a woman-to-woman company selling relationship enhancement products!

I wasn't sure if I was the right make and model for this kind of side job, but Saturday night was my first Girls Night In and we had a BLAST!!! I couldn't believe how fun it was to share the benefits of such intimate accessories and even more surprised at how profitable it was. My first party grossed nearly $2000 in sales! I more than made back my investment and am excited about the new friendships and opportunities that come with such a crazy job.

I have already booked 3 more parties, and it looks like the business is off to a good start. The problem is that I am still a little nervous about how it will be received by some of my more conservative friends and family. I still haven’t told my mom and am not quite sure how best to do that. Um… yah… so… I um… uh, I sell sex toys mom. The truth is that it is more than just sex toys, it is confidence and creativity in the bedroom. It’s a fun way to feel beautiful and sexy and enhance the most important relationships in a safe and supportive environment.

I am really grateful for finding such a great opportunity in such an unexpected place. I am really going to enjoy helping the women of Barrow get their sexy on! I am excited about reaching out beyond the confines of my small social group and the parameters of this Arctic village to inspire others too.

If you are interested in getting your sexy on, or just curious about what I do with Pure Romance, check out my side job at: sierrahunsaker.pureromance.com

Gratitude Sunday: A Change of Seasons

Today I am grateful for a change of seasons. The sun is finally setting, and I can’t help but feel a little relief. It is almost like I have been awake all summer long and now suddenly feel like I can get back to a normal routine. Even though the sunset is between 1 and 3 am, it still offers a bit of a better nights rest.

Last night I laid in my living room and listened to the waves crash on the beach. This is the first time the town has been quiet enough and the waves loud enough to notice in the 9 months we've been here. Granted, the ocean was frozen the first 7 months. I have enjoyed the summer of the midnight sun, but now it is really beginning to feel like fall. I have my concerns about the inevitable winter, but I am really enjoying the change of seasons… as quick as that change has come.

This picture was taken by John Falk, a guy who has a website of interesting Barrow Photos. I don’t know him, but think that maybe I should… maybe I do and don’t realize it. Humm, I just realized that I really don’t get out all that much and don’t know many people here. Truth be known, we have actually had a lot more socialization the past week than I think we have had the whole time we’ve been up here.

Tuesday and Thursday were bonfire/ weenie roasts at the beach with different groups of people. Friday was a BBQ with a bunch of officers in town for annual training. Saturday was a potluck and scrabble night at a dispatcher’s house and tonight was another BBQ! It has been really fun getting to know more people and enjoying some adult conversation, beverages and entertainment. All of this play time has been great, but I can’t help but wonder how things are going to be when it slows down again.

I think it is unnatural for me to be here, and I really look forward to getting our own place somewhere with mountains and trees and where I know the sun will come up every day no matter what. But in the mean time, I will enjoy my Barrow experience and be grateful for the changes both in nature and myself.

Gratitude Sunday: Loyalty

Today I am grateful for loyalty, my loyalty to myself and my mission, my husband’s loyalty to me and the loyalty of friendship. I find so much peace in taking care of my needs, and I am grateful for the conviction I have to stay loyal to that. That simple act allows me to love with more energy, lead with more passion, fight with more integrity and enjoy many amazing adventures along the way.

Today, I was informed that one of my good friend’s husband cheated on her. I normally wouldn’t give much credibility to such news, but given the information source and the instinct I had about this guy from the beginning, I can’t doubt it. Now my dilemma lies with my loyalty to my friend. Do I tell her? I can’t just wait for someone else to tell her, or pretend that I didn’t believe it or even hear about it. That would go against my loyalty to my instincts and my mission.

The problem is that I have never had to break this kind of news to anyone before… I have actually made it a point NOT to get involved with drama and the rumor mill, hence the ambiguity as to who’s involved. But this isn’t just rumor. To complicate things more, she has a very close relationship with the gal he cheated with. I need your help with a good way to break this kind of news. I know I want to have this conversation alone with her in person, but I have NO IDEA what to say. I know that she is the kind of friend that would tell me if it happened to me, and I owe her that as a friend. Any advice or suggestions on what to say would be appreciated.

All of this just makes me more and more grateful for my hubby and his loyalty. That was one of the things that attracted me most to him. I knew that his character would stand temptation and he has certainly proven that over the past few years of difficulty and separation. Even when times are tough and all seems lost, he stands by my side and supports me in what I feel is right. My heart aches for those who do not have the same kind of loyalty in their lives.

Gratitude Sunday: The Tutu are Running

Last night at about 7, Hubby got an excited call from a friend exclaiming that the tutu are running! Tutu is the Inupiat word for caribou. As Hubby and friend had a planned hunting trip tht kept getting postponed, this was their big chance. There had been reports of a huge herd of around 1500 about a mile off a dirt road to nowhere, and that is a BIG deal considering how hard it is to get out on the tundra in the first place... not to mention getting back with litterally tons of meat.

We had been planning on spending some family time together that evening, the first one off in 4 days, andI was not excited about spending another night alone. I wasn't opposed to heading out, so we made it a spontaneous family outing. We gathered as much gear as we could think we would possibly need and away we went.

It is amazing how bumpy it is while appearing so incredibly flat at the same time. The back of a 4 wheeler is really not the best way to tour the landscape, but we pulled into a huge herd around 9pm. It was amazing to see so many large animals so close together, but we could never get close enough to take a shot.

We never figured it would be so hard to shoot one with so many so close together. But, they knew we were coming before we could even see them. With no trees or bushes to hide us, there was no sneaking up on that herd. Our best shot was to sit and wait for someone to chase them back in our direction and with the tundra being so flat and vast, there was little chance that would happen. Yah, like we know anything about hunting caribou! Basically, we just went out on 4 wheelers for some wildlife viewing and happened to be heavily armed.

At about 10pm we decided that it was getting too late to fumble around trying to guess how this is properly done, so we headed back into town. On the way back, we came across a fox hole with a cute little cub who was bouncy and playful, a whole bunch of seagulls pecking at the gut piles left by more successful and experienced hunters and two fresh kills that were apparently left on the tundra to rot.

The Natives are not limited by any hunting restrictions, nor would any restrictions be enforced up here anyway. Everyone else is permitted to kill 10 / person / day for subsistence. We hoped to take 1, but soon realized that even this would prove difficult on the tundra. The two caribou we found were left because they had not grown any antlers, and the best hind-quarter meats had been tainted by ruptured intestines (one by a poor shot and the other by a sloppy butcher). We could only figure that they were too lazy to use what they had killed. What a waste!

It was approaching 11 and Kaia was getting cold and beyond tired. I was actually really impressed with her excitement and pleasant demeanor while on the spontaneous hunting excursion. She laughed and explored and enjoyed the bumpy ride on the tundra. When we came to the dead caribou, she got really excited. I know she doesn’t grasp the concept of death, but I wasn’t sure if it would be okay for her to witness the skinning and butcher of something she clearly identified as an animal.

She staggered up to it, crouched down and reached out with one finger. “Eyeeee” she said as she poked it right in the eye. She laughed and then poked herself in the eye repeating “eyeeee,” just as she does with her stuffed animals. She explored our faces for clues about the situation and seemed more curious than concerned about the whole process. I doubt that we have scared her in any way. I just wonder how this will play out in the future when she does understand the reality behind the protein portions of so many of her favorite meals.

I guess this is one of those situations where most other parents would have done something completely different. I did think of her development and was sensitive to her needs and yet still proceeded to take her out on a hunting trip just an hour before her regular bed time. I did monitor her reaction to seeing the animal dead on the ground and explained to her what it was and why it was there. I don’t feel any guilt or regret about the experience. However, I can picture Kaia sharing this with a friend 10 years down the road and not getting a favorable response… Actually, I wouldn’t be entirely surprised if this experience also makes it to the office of a therapist.

Nobody makes it out of childhood without some warped ideas and at least one horror story anyway. I guess if she had to have one, this would be better than most. No doubt I am making a bigger deal of it than it deserves, I just think it is kind of cool that we were able to take such an excursion on the spur of the moment as a family. I also think it is really cool that Kaia was so happy and fun to have along despite the cold and late conditions. What a trooper!

I only wish we were able to find our camera so I could share pictures of this wild and crazy night. That would have definitely been one for the scrapbook. Although, I’m not sure exactly sure what kind of embellishments would be appropriate for that layout. If we go out again, I will be sure we take pix.

Upon our return just after midnight, our Native neighbors came out and congratulated us on the successful hunt. There were more people out on the streets than I had seen all week, and most of them were kids under 12! I so don't get this place. Anyway, we explained that we didn't actually kill the caribou, and they shared stories of how hard it is to actually "catch a tutu." They seemed impressed with our resoursefullness and willingness to even go out in the first place.

I would love to see Ben come home with a prize caribou rack and we could certainly use the meat. However, I can't help but feel gratitude that we aren't responsible for any waste, that we don't have a freezer overfilled with meat I'm not sure how to prepare, and that the tutu are still running.

Gratitude Sunday: The Wilderness

I have had some unique experiences in the wilderness throughout my life. Some wildernesses are beautiful and full of contrast and color, while others are completely void of any form of eye candy. One thing is certain in all of my wilderness experiences; the wild is wildly powerful. I have had more insight, direction and inspiration in the most wild places I have ever been.

My trip back to Colorado has been one of the more powerful relationship building excursions with my dad and I have been physically challenged, emotionally charged and spiritually edified. I don't know any better environment than the mountains to do all of that, and I am truly grateful that I had the opportunity to venture down south and be changed forever. This country is definitely on my list of top ten places to be and I think I may have to put this excursion on a list of top adventures too.

I will include some excerpts from my pack journal, but I gotta let yall know that I kicked ass on the Hard Rock. It was awesome to get up there and feel so strong and healthy. The training was hard, the acclimatizing was fun and the race itself was empowering and motivational. I realize now that it was a once in a life time experience and I will probably never get the chance to do it again.

I met up with my dad at 4:45 am in Ouray and headed into the hills after only 2.5 hours of sleep. I was heartbroken to find that Dad was so sick. The demands of such a race are unreal and he had been physically pushing himself for about 23 hours straight. After reloading his supplies at the aid station, he violently threw up and away we went. It surprised me that he was still determined to finish, but his doubt was almost palatable. I guess that is what makes it an adventure.

We maintained our "finish pace" for about 4 miles and then things got bad. I cold feel myself pulling further and further ahead. I would slow down to a crawl as the terrain became steeper and knew that Dad was in trouble when he literally sat down on the side of the road and said "I CAN'T do this thing on e-caps and coke." It was one of the hardest things for me to see him so weak. He is super man! He isn't supposed to get tired or sick or hurt. To see him heaped up in a pile on the trail was tough and I didn't know how to encourage him. I knew that we had to make up time if we were going to make it and I knew I had the strength and determination to do it. I also knew that my dad’s determination could only go so far and then real energy was going to have to come from somewhere if he was going to make it.

He was finally able to keep a bit of food down, and he gutted though the next 5 miles with difficulty. At the top of the mountain pass, we were standing on a ledge little more than 5’x5’ with a steep drop off both sides. The view was incredible and I was more than elated to be at the top, but I knew that Dad wasn’t in any condition to stay there long. He was teetering on the hairy edge and wasn’t quite keeping his balance. We restocked our canteens and made a run for it into Silverton. That was the longest 5 miles of my life. After 11 miles of UP we were on a 5 mile stretch of down that covered approximately the same elevation drop as the 11 miles gained. It was very hard on the knees, hips and ankles to say the least.

The good news is that we made it and I was strong enough to average the finish pace. I can’t help but think that had Dad kept his cookies, we could have far exceeded it. I also can’t help but think that had Dad been at his best, he would have left me for the dogs. Long story made short: I met my goal, but learned that ultra marathons are NOT for me. After just 16.1 miles, I had had my share of abuse. The mountain hurt both of us. Unfortunately, I was not nearly as ambitious as dad and was happy to stop in Silverton. He went on for another 4 hours but was unable to keep the finish pace and returned to Silverton disqualifying himself from the race.

Later he confessed that this was his last ultra and that it was vanity that made him come back every year to abuse himself like that. He committed to taking better care of himself and choosing sports that were more positive and strengthening in his life. He has 3 finishes under his belt and still reserves bragging rights, but he is on to bigger and better things that are more fun. I only hope that he will invite me on some of these wild adventures too.

This wilderness adventure has taught me that my dad is still superman, but he is a smarter and more humble superman than I have ever known. The mountain beat him, but he was a composed and reasonable, traits that had eluded him when I was under his roof. I have seen a side of him that was real and new and confirmed my respect for him in a big way. But there is so much more to this wilderness trek that changed me forever.

Here are some journal excerpts and pix from the journey:

Day 1: High in the Sky and No Worries

This is our first camp site at Columbine Lake, elevation 12,400 feet and on the way here I realized that it has been 7 years since I last ventured into the San Juans. I feel like I'm visiting an old friend. Does she remember me? Will I be able to enjoy her company or will she push me harder than ever before? I'm as ready as I have ever been. I've charted my course, defineed my goals and trained and invested in the gear. I've done all that I can to make sure I am prepared for this reunion. The good news is that my physical prep is paying off and I don't even have the high altitude head ache that is so common in this territory. But there is still a part of me that wonders if I have prepared enough.

The focus of all my perparation has been physical and I totally neglected the spiritual and emotional preparation of such an experience. I have been spiritually blown away with the scope and vision of the universe and am even overwhelmed by the beauty and power of simple flowers doing their thing on the side of the trail. I have really been starving for this kind of experience and feel connected again. My relationship with deity definitely comes to life in the wild and I feel closest to perfection when I am only constrained by the most raw and simple laws of the universe. Here, I feel a sense of love and belonging, even when I am all alone.
I know there is magic in my outdoor adventures. I gain new perspective on challenges, open doors to new opportunities and refocus my energy on what matters most to me. My journey into the wild brings me deeper inside myself than I could ever go in the comfort of my man-made world.

Day 2: The Hills Are Alive With the Sound of Music

Somewhere above Columbine Lake we found this amazing ridge of wildflowers and spectacular scenery. I found myself spontaneousely smiling. What a funny thing to notice! It was something I was deprived of for some time now, and didn't entirely know when I lost it or even that I did until it came back. I remeber I used to smile all the time. I didn't have to look for things that were smile worthy. I used to get a kick out of just about everything and I know I was a LOT more positive, fun and charismatic.
Today, I am taking a stand against the bumbed out me, and I am going to get those personality traits back. I't going to take some effort and planning, but what a fun project! I'm fighting for my true self once and for all!
Some ideas about how to do this:
1. Take adventrues... lots and lots of em
2. Seek out and surround myself with others that have those same traits
3. Be consious of the little things
4. Appreciate everything

I think this has a lot to do with why I love the mountains. Every living thing is so strong and resiliant to the harsh enviornment, yet fulfills it's life purpose so beautifully and effortlessly. The amazing thing is that even if I weren't here to enjoy it, it would still be doing it's thing. Life out here isn't preoccupied with what comes next or whether or not it is making a big enough difference in the world. It is just being true to itself.

Day 3: Lost in the Mounains and Finding Treasures

We hiked into the mountains headed due north to a lake we've never seen. The route looked promising, but things always look better on paper. The trail was little more than a game trail that appeared and dissappeared as mysteriousely as the game itself. We finally stumbeled onto an old prospector path to nowhere and that is exactly where we ended up. After a few hours and hiking up to about 12,600 feet elevation, we finally looked aroudn and asked "Where the hell are we?"

We dragged out the map and decided we were in the wrong gulch, but were satisfied with our view and the soft patches of moss and high-mountain grasses. As we pitched our tent, a cyote passed by and a whistle pig started up conversation. Later we watched a family of deer traverse a mountain side I wouldn't venture to cross and we were serenaded by the sounds of the trilling rock birds.

It's funny how food always workd it's way into conversations when your selection is limited to what you carry in you pack, but I really liked the analogy that Dad brought up. He says that each of us have a set of passions that add kick ot our livess and the lives of others. At this point, I know lots of the ingredients in my sauce and am just tinkering with the measurements and instructions to perfect the recipe.

My Special Sauce:
Wilderness brand Adventure for a sweet and tangy base
Positive and Passionate brand energy for just a spicy kick
Loving brand Service to satisfy the soul
Relevant and Significant brand Knowledge for nutritional value

Looking over those ingredients now, I think I might be buffalo sauce!

Anyway, that buffalo wings sounded pretty good, and this was the closest we could get to chickens. Check out these little birds I found hanging out at about 13,000 feet in a tiny nest in the rocks. We were wandering around trying to find a different way back to the trailhead… that wasn’t really a trail head… and there it was, a tiny little nest with 2 baby birds and an egg. They were no bigger than the tip of my thumb and the nest itself was no bigger than a softball. Amazing little creatures in such a harsh environment. It would have been a tragedy to have not seen them and “CRUNCH!” after all their effort to simply survive. So many treasures in such surprising places!

Day6: Race Day Jitters

I was surprised at the energy in the room at the start of the race. There were so many people who have trained the whole year and were about to embark on an incredible feat of endurance and determination. What a neat group of people. So strange though. They all looked healthy, with a bit of wildness in their eyes. I don’t know if it was fear or crazy I saw, but lots of runners had it. The trouble is that I knew quite immediately that I was out of my league. I am healthy and strong… just with no desire to prove it like that. Good luck runners! Git r’ dun!

Day 7: The Big Climb

I couldn’t believe how steep it was and was sure glad that so many other runners had been through there kicking a staircase into the snow so that I could climb. I've decided that pictures can't ever do this justice.

Day 7: The Top of the World

So here we are on the top of the world. I think the elevation here is only 13, 100 or so, but the climb was incredible! The view was spectacular and it felt great to know that there was no more UP. Unfortunately, the down hurt me LOTS worse than the up. So much pounding, so much throbbing and baking in the sun took it’s toll on me and I was definitely done when we reached the Telluride aid station. Yae for us!!!

Gratitude Sunday: Independence

Today I am catching up on my Gratitude Sunday entry and what better day to be grateful for my independence. I think of all the people who have made great sacrifices so that I can have the freedom to choose so many things. So many have done so much, even to the point of laying down their lives for my privilege to worship my God as I choose, define my values as I choose, chase the dreams that I choose and do so in the manner that is most fulfilling and happy for me.

Thanks to all the people who have fought to establish and defend that privilege throughout history. Thanks to all the people in the armed forces today who continue to defend those privileges and thanks to all the law enforcement and legal officials who uphold those privileges. Though the system is imperfect, it is the best we have and I am grateful for the independence and freedom it permits.

To be truly grateful for my independence, I must BE independent. I must take advantage of the opportunity to think for myself and define my true identity, my relationship with God and my real dreams. The freedom we celebrate on this 4^th of July should be celebrated in everyday choices and I am going to be intentional about my freedom to choose what I really want. My life is an adventure and I am so grateful for the opportunity to make it my own and enjoy the beautiful country I live in.

Gratitude Sunday: Hubby's Work

I don’t know what happened in town, but people went nuts and got into a LOT of trouble this weekend. Hubby was workin' for 16 hours yesterday and is going on 14 today taking felons and other troublemakers off the street.

I am so grateful he has a career that is rewarding and fulfilling and so contributing to everything that is important to us. Thank you Hubby for being such a great Everything!

Gratitude Sunday: Fathers

I realize that I didn’t post my Gratitude Sunday, and really did have something composed to post. How could I forget to honor fathers on father’s day?! So here is the post a few days late:

I am continually amazed by my husband and how good of a daddy he is for Kaia. He is so fun and loving and conscious of her needs. I couldn’t dream up a better partner to raise our daughter and am so excited about what is coming in the future. It is amazing to me how much my love and honor and respect for him has grown since I have discovered more about who I want to be and how he inspires that. He has been more of a leader, friend and confidant for me and I am so grateful that Kaia will have that kind of an example as the male role model in her life.

I am also very grateful for my own father, for his amazing sacrifice and example of determination and integrity. I have always thought of him as superman and am proud that he is my dad. He has taught me valuable lessons about life and truth and discovering my true potential. He has also inspired and nurtured my character growth and independence, and I have never doubted his love for me. I know that if it ever came down to it, he would even give his life for mine. I can honestly say that I wouldn’t be who I am without his influence in my life and I like who I am.

I am a lucky, lucky girl to have such wonderful men in my life!

Gratitude Sunday: Living in Barrow

I have been asked many times “What brings you to Barrow?” Usually my response is pretty bland and impersonal as many people who ask are just making small talk. If I want to keep a low profile or feel a little untrusting of the person asking, I respond with an ordinary “My husband’s work.” If I feel more trusting and want to continue a conversation with them, I respond “Big Dreams and Pixie Dust!” But usually keep the real feelings and reasons to myself because I didn’t think that anybody really wanted to know.

Yesterday, I was asked in such a way that required a little more thought. I was with a group of women that I feel comfortable sharing more personal things with, and was met with “Why are you here in Barrow?” It was asked in the context of personal development and challenges we all face in our life path. My experience has taught me that every challenge is a lesson in personal development and once the lesson is learned, the challenge is over. So, I had actually been digging for a reason so that I could learn my lesson and get the hell out. It had been the topic of many, many prayers that had thus far gone unanswered.

I can usually flow with the awkward social situations and still come out feeling like I say what I mean and do so articulately, but not this time. My response was more a scattered rambling of learning to find God in a different way, finding new things about myself, my beliefs and my potential, strengthening our family and supporting my hubby in his career path. It surprised me how much the question rattled me. I don’t know if it was the question, the situation or the sudden epiphany of the real reasons I am here that made the whole thing so scattered, but I don’t really care. I am just ecstatic that I got a sneak peek into why I am really here and why these lessons couldn’t be learned another way in another place. It has given new meaning to my suffering and somehow made it a LOT more bearable. I actually feel gratitude for the experiences I am having here… Not the obvious loooooong winter and extreeeeeeemly harsh conditions, but the miracles and perspective those hardships are working in my life.

I have always gotten the most inspiration and direction in my life from the wilderness. This is, by far, the biggest, craziest most difficult wilderness I have ever experienced. At first I thought that Hell froze over and I moved there, and that God and inspiration had flown south for the winter... which by Barrow climate is a long-long time. But, my relationship with God has become a LOT more personal. At first I thougth that the sacrifices I am making would make me resent Ben for listening to my advice when encouraging him to apply and take the job. But, my love, respect and appreciation for him has grown immeasurably. At first I thoguth that the lack of outdoor opportunities would diminish our family identity and we would no longer have fun together. But, we spend a LOT more family time without the distractons of all the work of camping and entertaining and eating out... plus, I get to be a bigger part of Kaia’s development because I get to be a SAHM. At first I thought that Ben wouldn't get a lot of job experience or advancement opportunities up here. But, I was really wrong on that too. I can only imagine what more amazing insight and inspiration can come through our challenges here.

For the first time since I moved here, I can honestly say that it is a good thing. Not because of the amazing scenery, incredible recreational opportunities or the friendly weather, because those are a rare find here. It's a good thing because of the perspective it has given me, and the BIG step it has been toward what I really want. Whodathunkit?

Gratitude Sunday: A Sunny Day

Today was a day of sunshine after a long stretch of dreary fog. I am not writing metaphorically or poetically, but literally. I haven't seen a day this bright in about a month, and I am really enjoying it.

It was amazing to see how many people were out on foot, bike, trike four wheeler and yes still snowmachine (snow mobiles for you lower 48 readers). I can’t believe that it is June and we still have snow on the ground. What blows me away is that there is still ice pack on the ocean! I thought they said that summers were great up here… I’m still waiting for that to happen.

I took Kaia to the park and we had a great time on the swings and the slide. There were about 40 other park goers and it was fun to watch the kids get creative with the mud and the water still accumulated on the playground. We could only stay for about an hour though, because Kaia's little fingers were turning purple from holding on to all those cold metal bars and being exposed to that danged wind. At any rate, it was a good time and I am glad that we went.

When we got back to our apartment, there were about 10 kids in swimsuits running around trying to get a tan... which I thought was really funny because it only got up to 38 degrees today and the neighbor kids are Alaska Native, Polynesian and Black. If anyone needed a tan it would be us Tunuk’s! (Inupiat word for the color white that they endearingly call the minority white people... I am pretty sure that it is not intended as a racial slur.) I have been feeling a little pasty lately and have been thinking about venturing out in a tank top. Even while exercising, 38 is still pretty chilly!

Anyway, the sun is still shining and will keep shinning until the clouds move in or September rolls around… which ever comes first. I am just grateful for a day of relative warmth and brilliance. I think it does good things for the soul.

Gratitude Sunday: MoJo

Today I am grateful for my MoJo, the magical motivation and guts to stick to my nutrition and work out programs. The truth is that lately it has all but dissappeared. I am only 3 weeks into an 8-week project, and I’m already sneaking goodies. Any little carb is my temptation, and I just can’t find it in me to get my butt out there on those stairs for my workout.

What I can’t figure out is why the mystical powers of motivation can be there so strong one day, and be MIA the very next. Why is it that acquiring healthy habits is so much harder than acquiring unhealthy ones?

At any rate, today I am feeling grateful for the MoJo all together. Whether I have it or not, I know that it is out there and it is what makes dreams come true. I am confident that I will get it back, but if any of you know how I can get it back in time to train enough for the Hard Rock, let me know.

Gratitude Sunday: What I Don’t Know

There was a time not too long ago when I was grateful for all the many things I thought I knew. They somehow made me feel more privileged. Now I am convinced that I am more privileged because I DON’T know what I thought I knew. With knowledge, there is responsibility to take action, and depending on what I “know”, it can make a real difference in every aspect of my life.

Mark Twain once stated "What gets us into trouble is not what we don't know. It's what we know for sure that just ain't so."

I thought of how bizarre people behave because they “know” their superstitions are true. Worse yet, I thought of all the people strapping bombs to their chests because they “know” that their god requires it of them.

It really made me think about what kind of bizarre thing I might do because I "know" something that just ain't so. I had to reconsider what I really “know” and what am I willing to do for it? I have made it my personal mission to learn as much as I can about things that impact me and the mark I want to leave on this earth the most, admit when I don’t know, and postpone action until I do.

Remember my One Word? This is part of being intentional about what I do, what it means and how it impacts those around me. I’ve learned that sometimes the best response is just to wait until I can study things out, find peace in an answer and implement a response...

...I know, a new perspective for this spontaneous, fly-by-the-seat-of-her-pants Mom. Look out world, Mama's got a new set of goggles!

Gratitude Sundays: My Integrity

Today I am grateful for my integrity, and for a strange reason. I have never been much of a reality show fan, but I really got into Survivor Fiji. TV actually inspired me; whooda thunkit? For those who aren't up to speed:Yao-Man made a deal with Dreamz that he would give him the truck for the immunity in the final four. After a huge speech about how he has to be a man of his word and that's who he is and how he has to be an example for his son, Dreamz revoked his end of the bargain. Now Dreamz thinks he has a chance to win the million after what he did to Yao. NO WAY, NO HOW, NOT EVER! He has got stupidest man alive to think that it was going to work in his favor. At least he has the truck as his tacky trophy to proclaim his sell out.

Anyway, it made me think about what I stand for, what is important to me and what I would sacrifice protect my identity. Not from thieves who would take my credit cards or bank account numbers, but from the shiny distractions of things. MasterCard said it best; some things money can’t buy.

I have never had to decide between my integrity and a chance at a million dollars, but I have had something just as valuable to me on the line. That Alaska Airlines job would have been amazing travel and shipping benefits to wherever AA flies (which, from Barrow adds up to $2500 / trip, $600/ month in groceries and you just can’t put a price on reliable health, dental, chiropractic and hair care, not to mention the mental sanity of being in normal civilization and accommodating weather.

I passed the opportunity up for what I believe in, for who I am and what I stand for. Had I taken that job, I would have regretted it in short order. Not because working outside the home is bad, but because it isn’t right for me right now and I know it. So today, I am grateful for my integrity.

On a lighter note, even though Yao-Man played the best game and should have won it, I am glad that Earl beat out those other 2 slackers taking every jury vote for the million bucks!