Stuff That Matters, and More That Doesn't

So, I read Tolle's book A New Earth and discovered a few things about myself that I didn't know... well, I guess I DID know, just wasn't quite aware of them. I catch myself now when my temper flares and it is really weird. I know I am feeling angry, I hear the angry tone in my voice, and It's almost like an out of body experience.

Today for example, Kaia pooped on the floor. Once for Ben, which didn't really affect me in anyway. We then changed 3 poopy diapers between us and then she pooped on the floor again for me! All I could do was scream "NOOOOOooooooo!" To which Kaia replied "Oh NOOOOooooo!" as if she hadn't been the culprit of this domestic dissaster. And I repeated "NOOOOoooooo!" To which she repeated "Oh NOOOooooo!" You can see how none of this changed the fact there there was a stinky terd on the floor. Really, I should be grateful she tells me about it. I would hate to find one of those surprises on my own by accident... that would really make me mad.

Anyway, I still fight the angry words and actions I naturally want to spew out into the universe, and I still fail to stop them. The difference is that now I actually hear and see my crazy behavior, and it is really commical. The interesting thing is that with this realization, I don't feel guilty anymore. I have my tantrum, repair any damages and reflect. But really, in the heat of the moment, I'm beginning to find it entertaining, to see the drama and know that I am still passionate about... well, dumb stuff for no good reason.

I really spend a lot of energy on things that don't really matter, and being aware of that is changing the way I respond to almost everything. Even when I don't change habits or behavior immediately, the way I feel about it is already revolutionized. It's a wild transformation, and I am really starting to get a kick out of it.

On another note, I realized in all this self awareness, that I am throwing a pitty party for myself. I am NOT what most would call a happy pregnant woman... actually, I'm pretty far from it. Deep down, I feel hi-jacked. I feel a sacrifice and burden that "entitles" me to all the things I don't need and can't afford. The biggest being junk food. Yes, I know, financially it's not really all that big of a deal, but psychologically and physically, it is taking a HUGE toll on me. I have let my fitness goals slide... well more like hurl down to the depths of hell in a bucket of ice cream and girl scout cookies.

In all logic, I am sabbotaging my real goals and blaming it on the most innocent part of me. I am telling myself a lie in the hopes to justify something ugly... self abuse in the name of instant gratification. Great! Now I have identified the stink, the trick is getting it out. I'm not so sure that Tolle has it all figured out that the more you are aware of yoru true issue, the more it goes away. I guess we shall see if the weight gain has reached it's peak, or if we are just getting started. I think I could use some good tools to help me cope and pamper myself a little better.

My big plan:
Go see mom! She just turned 50 and asked to see her grandbaby as a gift. I'm pretty sure it is going to be a bigger gift for me than for her, but I'll let her believe it is all about grandma. I will get some great time off, get some fun new spring-maternity clothes and take her to the spa for a pedicure. THAT will be nice. Not to mention the fact that there is grass and warmth and beautiful flowers all abloom in my P-town of Oregon. IT WILL BE FABULOUS!!!

The 2 weeks that are normally spent feeling extra sorry for myself and coping as a single parent will be spent shopping and visiting with my best girlfriend, getting to relax while Kaia has endless grandma entertainment and tasty meals that I don't have to plan, shop for, prepare or clean up. I don't think I can think of a better treat than this... and it's all paid for! Gotta love air miles.

Unfortuntately, I've got a laundry list of things to do before we can get outta here. FIRST is getting that damn kitchen done... Yup, you guessed it... still not finished. What I thought would be a 3-day deal has now developed into the 12 days of chaos. The good news is that our plans to be done are realistic now that we are so close. We even picked out floors... to be done in another month, but on the timeline no less.

Now for the big confession. I've got huge plans for the house that I haven't quite squared with Ben yet. The big kahuna of the 500 ft, 2-bedroom addition with covered porch and arctic entry have been hinted, and tossed around as a maybe. But I have plans to get the ball rolling before we leave in 5 days.

Yup, that is going to knock him for a loop. I already got the quotes, figured out the financing and fit it all into a budget and a timeline. It IS doable, I just gotta show him the numbers and submit the application for the building permit. I think I will let Ben choose the contractor and I'm hoping to schedule construction to begin the beginning of May... wish me luck!