So here is a dilemma that has been on my mind for a few days and I thought I would put it out there in the blog sphere for some feedback. As many of you are like-minded mommies, this is a really tough spot to be in, and I would like your advice.
Since I was a little girl, I believed in the concept of "starting over." We moved around a lot and as part of my mom's attempt to help us cope, she taught me that it was an opportunity to learn from my mistakes and go to a new place where nobody would know about them. It was a beautiful concept in line with my Christian upbringing, and I really liked the idea of a "clean slate."
As I got older and made bigger and bigger mistakes, I learned that the "clean slate" concept is a really tough place to get to when everyone is throwing it back in your face. I guess that is part of the reason I get so excited about the big scary adventures like the one that brought me to the last frontier. In my experience, I learned to forgive and forget. Move on from the mistakes made and learned from and accept everyone despite their past.
For a long time, I didn't know or associate with anyone that challenged that way of being in the world. But that all ended recently when an ex-con requested membership in our off-road club. It was an issue brought up in a club meeting and was handled pretty delicately. This man made some really bad decisions for about 5 years and created a really big mess for himself. Fortunately, there is no criminal history past 1999, but his past is something that concerns me when deciding weather or not to accept him into our group.
I guess I don't have enough information and am in a tough place of knowing that it really isn't my business to know the details... I probably don't want to know the details anyway, but for the safety of my children, I need to know what this guy did to get a "sexual abuse of a minor second degree" felony under his belt. It sounds awful, but it could be that he was 18 with a 15 year old girlfriend. Unfortunately, I'm thinking he was in his 30's when he was charged and found guilty so that "best case scenario" is a bit far fetched.
With cases like this, I've heard that criminals of this nature cannot be rehabilitated. No amount of time in prison will "cure" them of their impulses, and despite how much he may want to, he can't learn from his mistake and never repeat it again.
If that is really the case I won't put my children at risk for that. What is worse is that despite how much I would want to forgive him and let him have his "clean slate" with me, a complete stranger to him, I don't want to be on guard every time he is around. I don't want to wonder what kind of horrible things he has done and completely forget about the fact that he has paid his debt to society and is trying to start over just as I have done many times.
Had it been anything else, Robbery, Grand Theft Auto, even Domestic Violence or a DUI resulting in a death would be something I could get over. But this is not something that has been proven to be a one-time gig with any offender, and I do perceive a real threat to the safety of my baby girls, even though I don't know the details.
There may come a time when the club will make a motion to vote this guy into our group, and I am at a loss as to how best to handle it. My comment to the club was that "so long as my children aren't at risk, I think we should give this guy a chance." The problem is that knowing now that my children may very well be at risk, I don't want to give this guy a chance to hurt them. That instinct is much stronger than my intention to give him a chance for a clean slate.
I guess the question is What would you do?
6 comments:
I believe in second chances, however there are certain mistakes that result in long term consequences. While this person may have "paid their debt" so to speak, you are in no way obligated to expose your children to a potential risk of that nature. Sure, he may not do anything. But what if he did? Your first priority is to protect your children, not to make this guy good about himself. Sometimes being a grown up ain't so fun, huh?
I'd follow your gutt - if you feel nervous about him being around your girls....dont let it happen. I'd be sure to get the full scoop on what he did too....I know...kind of seems nosey...but come on!! You deserve to know if this guy is going to be hanging around with you in the middle of no where!! I do believe in second chances and clean slates....but those don't necessarily have to come easy!!
That is a tough place, but I'm going to have to say- unfortunately there are some things that you just can't ignore. There have just been too many stories, especially lately that lean toward the awful side of these types of individuals! When your babies are at a potential risk, being openminded is not your first priority. Mama Bear instinct is definitely ok!!You should definitely also find out what happened, that is not being nosey, it is being safe in this situation! And it could be the best scenario and you would feel so much better! You never know! And unfortunately for him, people being nosey about him is one of the consequences he will have to live with for the rest of his life! Sucks to be him, but it's just life! He had to know that going in-that's why there's a sex offender website! You are still a great person who understands a "clean slate" and at least wants to give it to people, but sometimes its a longer road than others to earn that second chance and I would feel totally good with that!
It is very honorable to give people second chances and to offer a clean slate. And when it is entirely your decision and only you are at risk, it is relatively straight forward. Here, though, you have uncovered a past behavior that may put your family at risk. You can get details that may change your decision and will help dictate how you interact should the group vote him in. You have a right to that info as you attempt to understand the risk to your family and the course of action you should take.
You are right to be concerned and you are right to take action.
Good instincts!
God put those babies in your arms for a reason. For YOU to care for and protect. If you don't...no one else will...or can. And although I do believe in repentance for sins--I also think it is not just something you say (i'm sorry and won't do it anymore) it is more than that. it is something he will have to continue to pay the price for and if he still then chooses to not act upon those feelings...then he will be forgiven. it is not as simple as moving to a new place and saying i want to start over. He is the offender...he knows better than anyone what he did... so he has to understand why people would be wary of him more than anyone else. Especially with those with young girls! I understand you want to give him the benefit of the doubt and a second chance...but those are your babies!!
I also believe in second chances, but like you said, that is a sickness and peope do not usually rehabilitate. They just get better at hiding it.
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