I have been thinking about this topic a lot for about 10 years. I really wanted to post something from my heart, but didn't want to open up a religious debate or cause heartache to those who won't accept the same perspective that I have gained.
I muster the courage to do so partly because I use this blog as my journal and feel this points more to who I really am than a lot of my previous posts, but mostly because I realize that I have nothing to be ashamed of. I do hope that you will feel the spirit of my words and not get caught up in my limited ability to communicate in this format. I also hope that if this post inspires a comment, you will do so in the spirit of love not fear. So, enough prefacing here... I'll get to it.
The teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints have always been a significant part of my development both physical and spiritual. In fact, they played a critical role in turning me toward the light and beauty that is Christ... that is until I found myself going through the motions of those teachings and struggling to make them personal. I hungered for a deeper bond and belonging to the faith that I had known and practiced my entire life, but felt stagnant.
As I turned my energies more toward Christ and less toward the actions or doctrines that were supposed to bring me toward him, a reoccurring theme of Love resonated within me, and I felt a peace and awareness that wasn't there before. I discovered that there is great peace in the spirit of love. It is through love that I am bound to my family, friends and Christ. Through love, I have found a way to forgive and be forgiven. Every miracle in my life is the product of love from others, and I am certain that my love for others has manifest miracles in their lives as well. It is through love that I am turned toward all that is good and beautiful.
It is far too easy to forget how simple and amazing that is in all the distractions of social rules, cultural traditions and religious doctrines. For some, these things serve as a comfort and protection from change or far more devastating distractions. I can respect that, and I honor the personal sacrifices made to conform to them, but I can no longer continue making sacrifices just for the sake of the rules, traditions and doctrines alone.
The truth is that after much study, thought and prayer, I really feel that those "things" those physical, temporary and ever-changing rules, traditions and doctrines are standing in the way of my personal relationship with God. About 2 years ago, I discovered that for me to live a truly authentic life consistent with what I know of God, I could no longer follow these blindly, in fact, there are many I cannot follow at all. Not because they are hard or burdensome as I find many of them easy or rewarding on social and egoistic levels, but because I don't feel God in them.
I guess technically, I
could follow them, but my heart could not be in it. It would be a mockery for me to pretend that I am doing God's will when I don't feel him in my church practices, and it would be disrespectful to those who do feel God in the same church practices.
That is why I no longer participate in many practices believed and upheld by so many of my friends and family.
That is why I have distanced myself from the church.
In doing so, I have had to accept a lot of responsibility. If I am wrong, it is a personal matter for me to work out with Christ. I can no longer shift the blame to others, because I follow my best understanding of the voice of God within ME. If I am wrong, the consequences are mine to bear and not on the shoulders of my husband or other leaders in the church. The good news is that bearing consequences makes discerning his voice a little easier and a lot more important. I find that I put a lot more effort into learning, discerning and following his voice, and as I do so, I move closer to being who and what I was created to be.
This is not to say that others do not have inspired counsel that can point me toward that love and peace I seek. There have been many who have spared me heartache and tears by helping me see more clearly... many who follow or dictate the church doctrines. However, I have past the threshold of substituting another's counsel for the voice of God within me. I have learned that inspired counsel will resonate within me if it is truly inspired. I have also learned that there are many sources of inspiration. God is simply not restricted by one organization or authority, and I find great peace in that.
I acknowledge the fear and worry these thoughts may trigger in many concerned friends and family still affiliated with the L.D.S. church. It is not my intention to cause pain. I hope that if this post does cause you pain, you will find comfort in my continued desire to seek a personal relationship with God and not be distracted by our differences. I don't claim to have the answers... that is part of the great journey and adventure we call life, but I do know what resonates with me, and I hope I have communicated that well enough to ease some apprehensions.
To be honest, I feel a bit of relief in opening the lines of communication on this matter. I know it is an awkward thing to discuss, but I feel comfortable with the decisions I have made, and confident in my reasons for doing so. If there are any specifics that will ease curiosity or concern, please feel free to e-mail, call or post a comment. I look forward to the opportunity to share my experiences.
