Mommy Drama

I joined a local Mom's Club about a year ago and rarely went to any activities. Then recently, re-upped my membership in the hopes of getting out of it what I intended to the first time and I've been a LOT more involved. Well, now that I'm in it, I'm seriously thinking about starting up a new chapter.

I am just sick to death of the drama. I don't like the back biting and bitchiness and I certainly don't like the jockeying for position and power. There have been a few actions taken that are beyond repair and I am regretfully part of the problem.

About 6 months ago, the club president confided in me her frustrations with a few 'old' board members who were standing in the way of progress. Me being the action taker that I am suggested we get a group of members together that want the same changes and make an organized effort at the next membership meeting to start these projects. Since then, I haven't seen the 'old' members at any activities or meetings. Something tells me they were tipped off to the 'rebellion' that was staged.

Then there was a Mom's night out scheduled by the president and then canceled at the last minute. It was then picked up by another memeber and about 8 women showed up and had a great time. Unfortunately, another member sent out personal invitations and had a Mom's night out on the same night at a different location excluding a whole list of people intentionally. I haven't seen that 'invitation only' group of women at any activities in the past few months either.

The way I see it, there is a HUGE division in the group and I've finally discovered why that is. Feelings have been hurt and people are taking sides. I HATE THAT. I don't want to be pulled into the middle of it or forced to choose a side. THAT negates what the mom's Club is about, it's exclusive and it's hurtful. I'm not going to do it anymore. I've decided that I am going to step back in a pretty big way and give up some of the sub-clubs that I am running. I'm just going to fill my days with activities that I enjoy and spend my time with people I enjoy being around. The trouble is that I have half a mind to tell the president what I think and I can't think of a way to do that where her feelings don't get hurt. Maybe just walking away is the best thing to do.

I'm just going to have to find other ways of making new friends and find another cause to get behind. Maybe in a few months, I will look into other clubs or starting my own. But right now, I'm just feeling very negative about women in general and don't want to be a part of the drama. What would you do?

On a happier note, my Big Dreams 100 lb Fitness Challenge is going great! We have lost 15.5 lbs already and are well on our way to big success! We have decided to pamper ourselves with something really nice and out of the ordinary when we reach our goal. I wish we could do it together, but being all over the country makes that really difficult.

I change my reward about every other day, but today the plan is to touch up my tattoo and get my ears pierced again. I'm thinking the tat I got back at BYU is a little juvenile and cartoonesque for my taste now that I'm 30 and adding more black and a bit more detail in the vines could bring my little Forget-me-not flower more up to date. I also want a 3rd hole in my left ear so I can put Mekayla's birth stone in it. I usually wear Kaia's birthstone in my second holes and I'm in the process of finding my next everyday ware for the first holes. :) So that's the plan for that.

As far as tracking and reporting results, I have switched to a thread on facebook so that we can be totally honest and not worry about the whole world peeking in on our personal struggles. For now, I will post progress as a general group effort and keep you in the loop about how we celebrate our success. ;)

I'm So Glad When Hubby Comes Home!

YAY! Today is the big day when the hubs comes home. I am so relieved and excited, I can't even contain myself. It's been 3 weeks since I've had a man around the house, and I could really use a break after the last few weeks of disaster.

I tried to potty train Kaia. This is an ongoing frustration. She has been pooping in the toilet for a good 6-8 months now consistently, but she won't pee in the toilet to save her own life... which there have been a few times where it might have spared her some drama. She effectively saturated my scrapbook bag... yup, climbed right on top to take a leak into my open bag of papers and supplies. I was able to save most of it, but it was touch and go for a lot of it. She tagged my office chair twice the floor 3 times and the couch once. But I think the one that made me the most angry was when she went up on her bed with about 6 loads of clean laundry waiting to be folded and put away and proceeded to do business through the clothes and onto the bedding which had also just been washed and put back in place the day before. I'm thinking she is using this as a tool to get back at me for something. Any advice on how to handle this would be helpful.

My workload has more than doubled this last week and I've been so sick with a sinus infection and lung issue that has effectively robbed me of 65% of my lung capacity. Not fun, but the meds seem to be helping a bit with that, so hopefully, we'll be back to our routine here shortly.

We got about 18 new inches of snow and our 50 meter driveway needed a good shoveling... YAY for snow. It's beautiful, but a LOT of work.

Mekayla started crawling and has learned to pull herself up to her feet. Unfortunately, she has not learned to keep herself on her feet when she tries to move from one side to the other. This has resulted in more bumps and bruises than I care to count. She also managed to get off my bed and fall down out top step last week... that could have been tragic. Our staircase is like a ladder and the only thing that kept her from tumbling all the way down was the traction strip of sandpaper that she got her face caught up on. Yeah... makes me feel like mother of the year. I guess that's one way to leave my mark on the world.

Of course y'all read about the granola bar incident. Poor Kaia has healed nicely. The staples came out last Friday, and it seems to be a distant memory for her. I'm not so sure it bares so traumatic in her mind as it once did because she has had as many granola bars as she has asked for whenever she asked for them and I think she counts that as a win in her book. :)

I think that about covers it for the tough 3 weeks. Oh, let's not forget that the gilrs aren't sleeping through the night anymore. Not sure what that is all about, but Mekayla wakes up at about 3am and 5am every morning. Then rustles around until 6:30 when she is up for the day. EXHAUSTING! Kaia does pretty well once she is down, but we have had 2 projectile vomiting sessions. One with Mekayla this morning and one with Kaia 3 days ago. Not sure what they have been eating to cause that, but it was a one-time deal that made terrible messes and then it was over, with little to no residual whining or fussiness. WEIRD.

So, I'm looking forward to getting a full nights rest and a break from the kids. I look forward to spending time with Ben too. I've missed him lots and could use some snuggle time and adult conversation. :)

My One Word

When I first started blogging, I was inspired to come up with a one word focus for the year. It is an interesting concept that lends itself to bettering the world and bettering my personal universe. This one word is supposed to be a guide or a goal for making progress on a daily basis. I started with CHANGE in 2006. In 2007 it was INTENTION. 2008 got a little muttled with the difficulties of pregnancy, but the word to best describe it would b EXPAND. I expanded in patience, in family members, in humility and in size. Yay for pregnancy! I also expanded my comfort zone to include a few new ideas and hobbies. So that was 2008.

My one word for 2009 will be GRATITUDE. I want to show my gratitude for my body by taking better care of it. I also want to teach my girls to appreciate and take care of their bodies. I want to show more gratitude for the earth by being more proactive about conserving energy and utilizing all of my resources in a responsible way. I want to show more gratitude for my friends and family by making a stronger effort to keep in touch and encourage them in their own goals.

This one word is something that I have always felt in spurts, but have always been a little inept with demonstrating, and I've been really irresponsible about teaching it to my children in the past. No more though. My girls are going to learn how to appreciate the little things, take care of the big things.

I hope that everyone will take a few moments to identify a one word that inspires them to make positive changes and find meaning in their lives over the course of the next year.

Thought Provoking & Contravercial Part 1

I'm not too big on getting behind a cause because I'm not so sure my beliefs are right. What I am sure of, is that the freedom to decide what is right for one's self has been bought with a great price and makes America an amazing country with limitless opportunity. I appreciate the diversity in ideas and opinions, and have even grown to love good discussion with people of differing opinions... so long as we can all be respectful.

I do however understand that there are some things worth fighting for. And despite various extremes in the beliefs of what is "right" or "wrong," I have to stand on the basic rule of humanity: Treat others how you want to be treated. When any issue comes up, I ask myself one question, "would this position victimize anyone?"

Now I have to define victim here because I don't want there to be any confusion. A victim is someone who has been harmed by someone or something else through no choice or consequence of their own doing. For the sake of this post, I am focusing on victims of other people's action or inaction rather than victims of circumstance, accident, disease or natural disaster.

Some issues create no victims no matter which position you choose, like the issue of religion; no matter which one you have or whether you even have one really doesn't victimize anyone. Some issues, however, create many victims no matter which position you choose.

Take defining gay marriage for example. I can honestly see both sides of the argument, and have decided it is more about personal beliefs than civil rights and both positions create victims. It's a beast anyway you look at it and victimizes no matter how you define marriage. Both sides would impose one personal belief on everyone... and THAT, I am pretty confident, creates victims. For that reason, I am against both sides. My current position is that marriage should remain a religious institution and has no place in government, schools or the workplace. Neither does sexual orientation for that matter.

For the record I have NO problem with homosexuality or homosexual behavior so long as it is not victimizing anyone. I don't even have a problem with gay marriage. I just don't like haveing marriage defined in the constitution. I can't see how commitments or actions between two consenting adults is anyones business but their own or how it could be a threat to anyone outside that commitment. I make no apologies about my belief on this matter. However, if you do see a victim and disagree, I welcome your insight and perspective. But you gotta talk my language or I get confused. Please do so in relation to my one question. What I really wanna know is how does your position protect or prevent victims?

I have a feeling that we haven't seen the end to this debate.

Now, I'm not as much of an all or nothing kind of gal as I used to be and have discovered that some issues really do have varying degrees of possibilities when it comes to taking a stand. But once a position is proposed as an amendment or an act of congress, it is an all or nothing kind of thing. You either accept all laws that come with it or you reject them all. And that choice may create a clear victim or victims. But I'm tired now and must provide an example of this in part 2.

Edited for clarification:

To be continued...

Thought Provoking & Contraversial Part 2

Please Read Part 1 before continuing on...

On the Freedom of Choice Act (FOCA), it is obviously more about civil rights than it is about personal beliefs, but this monster has a lot of heads too, and they bite everyone. I see abortion in general as a conflict between the rights of a mother and the rights of her child. The questions are: Who is the victim? when are they victimized? and What needs to be done to protect them? For the record, I believe that abortion is NOT a harmless form of birth control because no matter how it is done, it always produces a victim. But it's not about what I believe.

I do feel a great deal of compassion for women in the desperate circumstance of unwanted pregnancy, and think their rights should be protected. In fact, more should be done to educate all women on healthy options for birth control, to ensure that all pregnant women have access to medical care and nutrition for a healthy, full-term pregnancy, and to facilitate adoptions for those who so choose. But that is not what FOCA is about.

People make bad choices all the time and suffer the consequences, but they are not victims. In America, when someone’s bad choices harm someone else, there are legal consequences designed to restrict their rights enough to protect the innocent and discourage that kind of behavior in the future. I'm not saying that everyone who has had or performed an abortion should lose all their rights or go to jail, that would create more victims still. But I have every conviction that a fertile woman choosing to have sex chooses a potential pregnancy and is not a true victim simply for suffering the natural consequences of her decision.

With abortion, we have forever altered that natural consequence in favor of the stronger more able person (s), and victims are harmed every time. With FOCA, it would be easier than ever to look the other way as human suffering takes place and lives are smothered out or harmed forever. FOCA would erase laws that protect women against misinformation regarding the risks and gravity of the decision to abort. FOCA would erase laws that protect minors from manipulation or bullying by people who are not out for their best interest. FOCA would erase laws that protect parents of minors from not only being restricted from the decision-making process regarding a medical procedure, but also from having to pay for a procedure that may not be in the best interest of their daughter. FOCA would also erase laws that protect women from all the dangers and risks of receiving abortion procedures from unlicensed physicians.

Granted, even with laws as they stand, it is difficult to prove deception, manipulation, bullying or malpractice to identify the woman as the clear victim, but FOCA would erase any and all current laws in place to protect victims of these situations and even prevent states from enacting similar or better laws in the future.

As if that wasn't enough reason to oppose it, FOCA also compels taxpayer funding for abortions and forces faith-based hospitals and other private health care facilities to offer and perform abortions under the veil of a woman’s right to choose abortion. That opens up a whole different can of victims by imposing on religious beliefs and private enterprise. And I haven't even gotten to the most obvious victim of this act.

The obvious victim with abortion is always the baby, the only questions here are: When is a baby considered to be "someone?" and How much harm is done before the victim dies? FOCA would erase any and all laws protecting the baby from painful abortions at any stage of pregnancy, so long as a physician determines or ensures that the baby isn't viable, or that the mother's health is at risk in any way. This would include full-term babies, and even babies that survive horrific suffering for hours, days or even a lifetime after botched abortions. FOCA would inevitably erase any and all rights of any unwanted baby so long as its mother “chooses” to have a doctor terminate it before it is naturally delivered.

That's opens too many doors to victimize people in my book, and some legal regulations should be instituted to minimize suffering and protect the innocent. I am not sure which regulations need to be made, but I am convinced that removing ALL regulations on abortion would lead to immeasurable suffering, allow for pregnant minors, parents of pregnant minors, pregnant women and all unwanted babies to be more easily victimized by profiteers and bullies, and potentially lead to murder in cases where late term abortion attempts fail and a live "someone" is born and denied the necessary care to sustain life. I CANNOT support an act that would permit so much human suffering and death in the name of choice.

If this is a stand you feel you can make, please go to the Fight FOCA website and get involved. If you aren't sure where to stand on this issue, I encourage you to do the research and decide for yourself. If you stand on the side supporting this act, I welcome your insight and am open to new information that may help me further understand and clarify the point at which true victims are created and encourage discussion as to what could be done to protect them.

Some helpful sources:

Freedom of Choice Act: Entire Downloadable Document

NARAL Pro-Choice America
National Right to Life
Planned Parenthood
or just Google FOCA and get a virtual library of literature and opinions from everyone who has something to say about it.

We Won The Lottery!!!

Well, we technically didn't win, but our friends did and gave us all the gold! Each year Denali National Park only allows 400 personal vehicles to travel the entire 97 mile length of the Denali Park Road and they hold a road lottery to determine which 400 get to go. It's outrageous! It costs $10/ ticket and you aren't guaranteed the specific date you request as only 100 cars are allowed each day over a 4-day "weekend." Even if you win, you still have to pay the $45 for the day pass and redeem it by 12pm the day of your lottery winning. But it is WORTH IT!Ben's friends had somehow scored 12 tickets and won 2 passes and invited us to join them for a spectacular journey through one of the most amazing places on earth. I can't imagine enduring that trip the way everyone else has to... by 16-hr-super-expensive-and-crazy-bumpy bus ride. It was nice to have the privacy, comfort and pace of driving our own vehicle. I'm certain that we wouldn't have another chance like this and we took full advantage.
It was incredible, almost like something out of a Dr. Seuss illustration. The bushes were purple, the trees were the most amazing golds and fluorescent greens, and the contrast of the fresh snowfall over the turquoise glaciers and black craggy cliffs were out-of-this-world SPECTACULAR! Photographs never do it justice, and the grand scale of the place is just unbelievable.I love being in places where I feel so small and yet so much a part of everything. The beauty of the wilderness always gives me a sense of connectedness and gratitude for life and the creator of it all. What an amazing experience to share with the family! Well, Kaia may remember it for all the wildlife we saw. But, I am sure that Mekayla just hated being in the car that long. I just hope that I get to bring both my girls back here someday to enjoy it how I enjoyed it.
We started the trip with keeping a wildlife tally in our heads. It didn't take long to discover that paper would be a much better method. At the end of the trip we had the luck of seeing 1 Red Fox, 1 American Beaver, 1 North American Porcupine, 2 Collared Pika, 2.5 Snowshoe Hares (one road kill that was being eaten by ravens to account for the .5), 3 Bald Eagles, 5 Mountain Goats, 6.5 Arctic Ground Squirrels, 8 Moose, 9 Grizzly Bears, 13 Dall Sheep, 18 Caribou and countless unidentifiable birds of prey riding the thermals along the steep mountainsides.

I did get a few wildlife shots, but my zoom isn't powerful enough to tell what is what. For more info and photos of Denali National Park, click here

Tis the Political Season

I usually don't get too wrapped up in politics, mostly because nobody on any ticket ever really excited me. Never mind the fact that no matter who or what I vote for, I don't seem to get my way. However, I have been following the presidential candidates with mild interest and did get excited about McCain's surprise pick for running mate.
Sarah Palin is a home-town girl... not to mention a MY-TOWN girl... AND is a woman I can relate to. NOT your typical politician... and certainly not your typical Republican. She has done good things honestly in the state of Alaska and has even taken on some pretty big Republican dynasties of corruption in an "oil state" without batting an eye. I'm sure she isn't perfect, but damn if she isn't getting thrown under the bus!

Quite honestly, I am appalled by the total lack of respect and compassion the media has shown regarding her personal life, which so far, has NOTHING to do with her character or her ability to fulfill the Vice President responsibilities. But what really bothers me is the "shock and awe" attack she is getting from WOMEN on BOTH sides of the political ball field!

I know that not every woman will agree with all of her political choices... in fact, I'm one of them. And, I'm sure that she has made her share of mistakes. But it doesn't take a genius to see that the media is being really unfair to her and her family. I hate to pull out the "woman" card, but there is totally a double standard here that even women appear to be supporting.

Is it jealousy, or just plain self-righteous bitchiness that drives this kind of bitterness? I don't get it. Why can't everyone focus on what matters and stop picking her apart for her perceived "failures" as a mother? Why would anyone, especially women, doubt or even consider her ability to be a professional AND a mother when determining her ability to be Vice President? They didn't ask any other candidate in the history of the country if he could be a professional AND a father!

Don't they know that even full-time-stay-at-home mommies can't manage every decision their children make? Heck, I can't even get my toddler to follow my lead, and I'm still bigger and smarter than she is... well, at least bigger for sure. I just don't see the relevance here.

And, just for the record, that idiot who tried to draw the correlation by asking "Why would we trust her to manage the country when she can't even manage her own family?" obviously NEVER had kids. That guy's an ass!

For more Palin info go to her official Bio or this latest press release

Mekayla Breyane Is Finally Here!!!

We welcomed our Mekayla into the world at 9:49 am on Monday July 14th! She weighed 7 lbs. 12 oz and was 20 inches long. It was a planned c-section birth that went smoothly and without complication and everyone was happy and healthy for at least a day. It was a beautiful day and I can't remember feeling that happy and comfortable in a really long time... I know, I know, part of it had to do with the drugs, but really, it was more than that. A real sense that all was right as it should be and that everything that really mattered in my world was perfect! I LOVE THOSE KIND OF DAYS.

I wish I could report that the days following that one perfect day were just more of the same fantastic perfection, but I'm just grateful that things weren't a lot worse than they got. Things were going so well at first that we decided to head out for home a day early and the docs could see no reason for us not to begin the adjustment and recovery at home. So, off we went, and things just seemed to fall apart.
My recovery was going really well... it still is for the most part and Mekayla is still very strong and beautiful, however, a nasty chest cold has settled right down on our little family and made my body ache like nothing I have ever felt. I thought a few of my violent coughing fits would split me in two, but alas... I am still alive and in tact.

Then we discovered that the bilirubin levels that were "ok" the day before, somehow reached a "high risk" zone and there became a real threat that we might have to return to the hospital for treatment. I believed exactly what the doctors were telling me about jaundice being common and not being too much cause for alarm... then I started asking questions about what it really was and what caused it... what could happen if it goes untreated and what it would take to treat it if the levels were "high risk." That's when things got really scary. At her age, Mekayla's bili reading of 21 was just too high to ignore... not quite the risk of brain damage, but within 4 points of being a real threat.

I hate it when kids get sick and it is even worse when they seem so tiny and helpless. We have Mekayla on phototherapy and it seems to be doing the trick. So far, it is ok and the only side effect is a globug baby at the bedside and she is still crazy cute. I will keep yall posted on any updates, and we should know on Sunday if I really need to be freaking out... of course you know I already am... but I am trying to keep that under wraps for the sake of my poor hubby... I think my emotional roller coaster might just be freaking him out a bit.

Anyway, Kaia has been adjusting well to the new baby situation, but is having a tough time with sharing the attention. I am doing the best I can to give her the attention she is so desperate for and have found ways to overlook her erratic and near psychotic behavior in lieu of the stress it must be for her. For the most part, she has been a doll, but I caught her trying to reason with Mekayla that it was time for her to go home.

Poor Mekayla was just laying there... asleep, not even moving, not making a peep, not demanding any of my attention in any way, and I wasn't giving it to her... but Kaia knew that somehow that little baby was siphoning off some of the loves that used to be all hers and she thought that it was time to send the baby back to the hospital.

I am convinced that she still loves the baby and that she would be so sad if she never came to visit, but it is apparent that she is having a tough time of adjusting. Ben is doing really well. In fact, I am surprised at how well he is taking care of everything. I am sure that it is hard on him to have to share the attention and disperse it appropriately as well. Especially now that my mom is no longer managing the chores and distracting Kaia with oodles of attention and prizes and all the spoiling activities that grandma's like to do.

I must admit, it was really nice to have her around and I am sad to have her go. I just couldn't justify keeping her away from her home for more than a month because I need my mommy... but sometimes, I just do. I am so glad to have family that loves and supports no matter the cost or inconvenience. I am one lucky girl!

Anyway, sorry for the sporadic thought processes and the long delay in posting the news. I gotta get back upstairs and feed my little glowbug.

Confessions on Church and Christ

I have been thinking about this topic a lot for about 10 years. I really wanted to post something from my heart, but didn't want to open up a religious debate or cause heartache to those who won't accept the same perspective that I have gained.

I muster the courage to do so partly because I use this blog as my journal and feel this points more to who I really am than a lot of my previous posts, but mostly because I realize that I have nothing to be ashamed of. I do hope that you will feel the spirit of my words and not get caught up in my limited ability to communicate in this format. I also hope that if this post inspires a comment, you will do so in the spirit of love not fear. So, enough prefacing here... I'll get to it.

The teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints have always been a significant part of my development both physical and spiritual. In fact, they played a critical role in turning me toward the light and beauty that is Christ... that is until I found myself going through the motions of those teachings and struggling to make them personal. I hungered for a deeper bond and belonging to the faith that I had known and practiced my entire life, but felt stagnant.

As I turned my energies more toward Christ and less toward the actions or doctrines that were supposed to bring me toward him, a reoccurring theme of Love resonated within me, and I felt a peace and awareness that wasn't there before. I discovered that there is great peace in the spirit of love. It is through love that I am bound to my family, friends and Christ. Through love, I have found a way to forgive and be forgiven. Every miracle in my life is the product of love from others, and I am certain that my love for others has manifest miracles in their lives as well. It is through love that I am turned toward all that is good and beautiful.

It is far too easy to forget how simple and amazing that is in all the distractions of social rules, cultural traditions and religious doctrines. For some, these things serve as a comfort and protection from change or far more devastating distractions. I can respect that, and I honor the personal sacrifices made to conform to them, but I can no longer continue making sacrifices just for the sake of the rules, traditions and doctrines alone.

The truth is that after much study, thought and prayer, I really feel that those "things" those physical, temporary and ever-changing rules, traditions and doctrines are standing in the way of my personal relationship with God. About 2 years ago, I discovered that for me to live a truly authentic life consistent with what I know of God, I could no longer follow these blindly, in fact, there are many I cannot follow at all. Not because they are hard or burdensome as I find many of them easy or rewarding on social and egoistic levels, but because I don't feel God in them.

I guess technically, I could follow them, but my heart could not be in it. It would be a mockery for me to pretend that I am doing God's will when I don't feel him in my church practices, and it would be disrespectful to those who do feel God in the same church practices. That is why I no longer participate in many practices believed and upheld by so many of my friends and family.That is why I have distanced myself from the church.

In doing so, I have had to accept a lot of responsibility. If I am wrong, it is a personal matter for me to work out with Christ. I can no longer shift the blame to others, because I follow my best understanding of the voice of God within ME. If I am wrong, the consequences are mine to bear and not on the shoulders of my husband or other leaders in the church. The good news is that bearing consequences makes discerning his voice a little easier and a lot more important. I find that I put a lot more effort into learning, discerning and following his voice, and as I do so, I move closer to being who and what I was created to be.

This is not to say that others do not have inspired counsel that can point me toward that love and peace I seek. There have been many who have spared me heartache and tears by helping me see more clearly... many who follow or dictate the church doctrines. However, I have past the threshold of substituting another's counsel for the voice of God within me. I have learned that inspired counsel will resonate within me if it is truly inspired. I have also learned that there are many sources of inspiration. God is simply not restricted by one organization or authority, and I find great peace in that.

I acknowledge the fear and worry these thoughts may trigger in many concerned friends and family still affiliated with the L.D.S. church. It is not my intention to cause pain. I hope that if this post does cause you pain, you will find comfort in my continued desire to seek a personal relationship with God and not be distracted by our differences. I don't claim to have the answers... that is part of the great journey and adventure we call life, but I do know what resonates with me, and I hope I have communicated that well enough to ease some apprehensions.

To be honest, I feel a bit of relief in opening the lines of communication on this matter. I know it is an awkward thing to discuss, but I feel comfortable with the decisions I have made, and confident in my reasons for doing so. If there are any specifics that will ease curiosity or concern, please feel free to e-mail, call or post a comment. I look forward to the opportunity to share my experiences.

Some Fun Tests

Smile, Play, Dream posted some fun test results and I couldn't help but take them just for fun. Actually, it was a fun way to post a blog without having to think to hard.

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a firestorm - full of intensity and drama. Your thoughts may seem scattered to you most of the time... But they often seem strong and passionate to those around you. You are a natural influencer. The thoughts you share are very powerful and persuading.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

I don't know how influential I am, but I do have a firestorm of thought that are very scattered... I don't know if that is a good thing. I never figured myself for a drama fiend, but I guess I do have a flare for it.
____________________________________________________

You Are An Exclamation Point

You are a bundle of... well, something. You're often a bundle of joy, passion, or drama. You're loud, brash, and outgoing. If you think it, you say it. Definitely not the quiet type, you really don't keep a lot to yourself. You're lively and inspiring. People love to be around your energy. (But they do secretly worry that you'll spill their secrets without even realizing it.) You excel in: Public speaking You get along best with: the Dash

What Punctuation Mark Are You?

Humm, no surprises here.
________________________________________________

You Are a Realist

You don't see the glass as half empty or half full. You see what's exactly in the glass. You never try to make a bad situation seem better than it is... But you also never sabotage any good things you have going on. You are brutally honest in your assessments of situations - and this always seems to help you cope.

Are You An Optimist or Pessimist?

This was interesting. I don't know how "real" my perspective is, but I do call it like I see it.

Say What You REALLY Mean

I should really just get over it, but I'm hoping that maybe I can if I write about it. It's been really difficult for me to be completely honest about my religion because many of my friends and family are devout Mormon, and I no longer share those same beliefs. I have found that there are only 2 responses to that, either I am judged as "unworthy" for having the questions and concerns I have, or I am held at arms length and handled delicately.

I won't pretend to know why, for some, it may be that they have the same questions and concerns and don't want to come to the same conclusion. For others, it's flat out denial, and for some, I just think that the church was the only thing we really had in common in the first place and we kind of drifted apart.

The truth is that I value my experiences in the church and still have a great love and respect for those who still believe and practice it. I just can't continue to believe and practice it knowing what I found in my quest for a better understanding of the doctrine and practices. The answers create a huge contradiction for me, and to pretend that they don't would betray the most precious relationship I have, my relationship with deity.

I wish I could just go on pretending that I still believe everything, but I can't, and I have felt a lot of rejection for it. Deep down I know it isn't intentional. I know that the awkward feelings and conversations are a direct result of not knowing how to respond (on my part too). I think in most cases, it is easier for my Mormon friends and family to pretend I don't feel the way that I do... especially my poor hubs. He's the one my heart breaks for because I know the implications my feelings have on his beliefs about salvation and eternal families. :(

Sometimes it just doesn't seem fair. But that is a little deeper than I wanted to go with this post. The point I wanted to make was about the little barbs I have been getting from my Mormon friends and fam. Again, I know they aren't intended and stem directly from not knowing how to respond. But it still hurts in kind of a comical way.

Recently, the Mormon Prophet passed away. He was an amazing man who dedicated his life to serving God and others. He has been the prophet my entire adult life and even sent me on my mission. He was 97 years old and lost his wife of 60 years a few years back. So really, it was in God's hands and it was time for him to go. Despite all this, he will be missed.

Anyway, we received notice from several Mormon friends and family prefaced by "I don't know if you care or not..." What the hell is that? They wouldn't say that to their Mormon friends, or even their non-Mormon friends who have never been Mormon. I haven't changed so much in the last few years that I wouldn't care if someone died. In one case, it was almost said with the passive-aggressive tone... like what they really meant to say was "You know the prophet you rejected, well, he's dead now, and I bet you don't even care."

I guess my connection to the prophet is a little more detached than blind obedience, but not so much that I wouldn't care that he passed away. Truthfully, if people don't know how I feel about the church or church officials, then it would be an awkward conversation to start and nothing ever comes out right under stress. So, I'm sure that it wasn't intended to hurt. It's just kind of funny how assumptions are made.

I guess we all have assumptions of how things must be when we don't understand them. I have decided not to assume to know why people do or say the things they do. I'm not even going to take offense to things I don't understand. I just wanted to clarify my feelings in attempt to avoid sending out little barbs myself. I'm just hoping that being honest about my feelings doesn't come across like little barbs. I don't want to hurt anyone, I just want to be real.

The Year of POO!

I'm not sure if it is the pregnancy hormones workin' here or if there is really something here to consider... I guess I will know better when the new kiddo is about 2 or 3. But for now, I am thinking this stay-at-home mommy thing is NOT for me. Really, it's more of an issue with the poo! I feel like all I do is clean up poo! It comes in many shapes and sizes, different textures and quantities, some are actual biproducts of living things, but most are biproducts of just living and creating messess over and over and over and over.

I LOVE spending quality time with my little Kaia. She lights up my world in so many amazing ways. The problem is that I spend more time being irritated than I do actually enjoying her company. THAT IS NOT FUN FOR ANYONE!!! I began to think that I relapsed into the winter funk, but I think it might be deeper than that. I'm thinking that I can do a better job at being mommy if I DON'T give up or "postpone" my mission. I know that raising a family is a huge part of the mission... but it is not the whole mission. I know the scope of my mission extends beyond my front door.

Unfortunately, right now I am not doing anything but dealing with poo! Even now as I write this, I am interrupted by my daughter with poopy diaper in hand explaining that it is "gwose." NO KIDDING! This is NOT personal development! I'm not doing much to contribute to the development of others and I am not even doing much to aid in the development of my own kid... the one person I am responsible to help develop!

I think a lot of this may stem from the birthday blues. I get them every year when I go to set my new year's resolutions... I set them at my birthday (the end of January) partly because it is the start to MY new year and because it feels really good to go into Feb. still on track with the resolutions. Did you know that most resolutions don't make it past the second week of January? Anyway, I find that it gives me a boost to span a 2 month period, even if I start to slack off a little the first week of Feb. :) It's like making a list of all the things you have to do in the day and adding a few things you already did just to cross them off... I do that too. :)

The truth is that putting my dreams on hold has NEVER ended well for anyone... especially me. And if I continue to put these things on hold, I may NEVER realize my full potential... I may never be the inspiration I want to be for my children, friends and neighbors. The longer I wait, the further away my dream of running an adventure lodge seems to get. I'm sure I could be happy without realizing that dream... but the path to that dream IS the adventure and if I wait to start it... I miss out on all the fun. I REALLY hate missing out.

I don't quite have the solution to the dilema... right now I am waiting for some inspiration myself. When it comes right down to it though, it feels really good to just think about something other than poo for just a few minutes and yet, at the very same time... kind of depressing that this is my plot. HOW DID IT EVER COME TO THIS?!?!

I don't know how I got here, but I am definitely motivated to get out. My new ONE WORD for the year is INSPIRE, I want to BE inspired, I want to inspire others, I want to change the things that aren't fullfilling, or at least delegate or minimize the time I spend on them. I want to see things clearly and have the strength to go for what is right for me and all that is important to me.

So far, I'm just knee deep in poo!

PMS on a Diet

Um... THIS SUCKS!!! Ya know, if it wasn't for my goals and schedule, I would be found at the bottom of a Dorito's bag with chocolate on my chin and a doughnut in each hand and my hubby and kiddo would be hiding out under the bed! I am so frustrated with this white knuckling it gig that I am just 1 tantrum away from blowing it.

It's like trying to keep a school of pirhanas off a drumstick. Every time I turn around, there's one more reason to bite the head off of something. The problem is that I used to litterally bite into something to tame that urge... and now I have a conflict of interests.

I've actually been doing great at being ISHI from my last post, but I'm missing my PH because of the danged PMS. My schedule is pretty much holding me together, but I actually feel like I am on the first week of Medifast again, but worse! I figure if I can stick it out through the weekend, I will definitely meet my goal weight by Thanksgiving... yup, just in time to splurge and enjoy the holidays :) NO?

Well, I think that I will reward myself with a fantastic winter wardrobe (as if its going to look great under a gigantic down parka and snowpants ) and allow myself to enjoy 1 great meal each holiday WITH dessert and all the carbolicious sides JUST BECAUSE I CAN!

I am so looking forward to the health and strength and confidence that being in shape will afford me. I am craving an athletic body with everything I got working for me... not against me. I am craving a happy fit into a size 8 jeans and a sexy fit into the long abandoned lingere sitting in my bottom drawer. I am craving an acceptable finish to a mountain foot race in Anchorage next summer, and I am so looking forward to the ease and mobility of all the fun backpacking and hiking adventures in training.

I crave the freedom from the guilt of an undisciplined lifestyle. I crave the freedom from the stereotypes of the overweight. I crave the freedom from the addiction that has plagued me since college and am so ready for the freedom of self mastery.

My prime adventure depends on living each day at my prime. My prime adventure requires energy, fitness and endurance for a long-long life. If I am really going to leave a legacy of love, leadership, integrity and many shared adventures, I am going to have to love myself enough to go for what I want, lead a healthy lifestyle to influence and help others, be honest with myself about my food adiction and STOP CHEATING ON MY PROGRAM, and finally, I need to get fit enough to enjoy my edventures to the fullest.

If I can FOCUS ON THE GOAL, FOCUS ON THE REAL CRAVING and FOCUS ON THE PRIME ADVENTURE, I know that I will be living the life I was crated to live. I will have the peace and freedom that I crave and each day I succeed, I can savor the joy that comes from obtaining that.

YAE FOR SUCCESS!

I've Had ENOUGH!

This summer has been completely chaotic at best as far as developing a routine and structure for the development of our little Kaia. I think my neglect is really starting to show, and I have simply had enough of the incessant whining and wrestling and chasing down just to take care of the routine daily duties.

I finally dug up the old family values that my hubby and I agreed on back before Kaia was even in the picture, and we set up some new house rules so that Kaia can expect consistency and fairness from both of us. I figure that writing it down is a form of commitment so sharing it must take things a step further. It is important to me... one of the MOST important things to me to be a good mother, and this is going to help... A LOT!

I know our intentions are really good, but thus far we have done NOTHING to implement them. So here is our "Hail Mary" attempt as we launch into a renewed effort to be an intentional family.

HOUSE RULES
1	Respect each other's bodies, beliefs, feelings, spaces and things
	Things to be respected include:
	Guns
	Harmful Chemicals
	Medicines
	Dad's Uniform and Work Equipment
	Fragiles, Expensives and Irreplaceables
	Table Tops
2	Honor the family values
	Honesty: Always tell the truth and follow through on commitments
	Unity: Support and defend each other
	Neighborly Kindness: Give back to the community and help others
	Spirituality: Seek connection to God and Universe
	Adventure: See opposition as challenge and play hard
	Knowledge: Seek understanding of truth in all things
	Excellence: Give 100% to everything you do
	Respect: Always respect self and others
3	Live by your best understanding of truth and right
	Promote seeking truth and right, even if there may be opposing views.

We haven't quite agreed on a form of punishment and the spanking thing bothers me a great deal... besides, it's not working. There has to be a better way to enforce the positive behavior without threats or anger. When yall find the cure for that, let me know.

Anyway, I figured that it would be good to be more specific in our family goals and objectives and came up with this:

GOAL: Be PHISHI		OBJECTIVES
Progressive		Dedicate at least 1 hour/day to personal study and development time
Happy		Maintain a balanced daily schedule by weighing activities and prioritizing weekly
Inspirational		Dedicate at least 1 hour/day to achieving personal goals and 1 hour/week helping others do the same
Strong		Dedicate at least 1 hour/day for physical activity, family recreation or team sports
Healthy		Eat natural foods in healthy proportions by taking time each week to plan and shop for meals.
Intentional		Dedicate at least 1 hour/day to meditation, mission- oriented development and visualization.

Once establishing this, it was much easier to set up a schedule that meets my needs, Kaia's needs and stays in line with the family rules, values, goals and objectives. So, I came up with a great schedule to intentionally implement traditions and healthy habits into our daily routine.

At first it seemed like a crazy thing to attempt, but if I give a little flexibility to allow a 15-20 minute activity to take place anytime within an hour of it's intended time, things really go a lot smoother for everyone. I actually began implementing the week before we went on vacation and it worked out really well for everyone. Now I must re-dedicate myself to this so that I can keep my sanity and prepare for the long winter ahead.

Now I am looking at how to best fill the toxic hour between 5 and 7 with something that is meaningful to me and gives me a break and transition from my day. That time should be fun bonding time or simply recreational and there are some really good options.

There is a FREE open swim at the high-school during that time that was actually a lot of fun for both me and Kaia. I think with the child-care kids, she feels a little needy for mom at the end of the day and that is a great place and time to play together on Mondays and Tuesdays and Ben will even be able to join us every other Tuesday.

On Wednesdays, I think I will give to Daddy for a Daddy/Daughter date night and hit the open Gym for serious, uninterrupted weight training with a friend. Thursdays are really our best night to do a Date night, so I think I will try to arrange a baby sitter for that night and see if hubby would be interested in hitting up the lap swim, the open gym or see if there is a couples team sport we could do together and maybe even have dinner or a "treat" before or after.

Friday nights work best for our social nights as Hubby will sometimes have poker, and I may have Bunko, a Pure Romance Party or hit up the bingo hall for some wild and crazy girlz night goodness. I haven't quite figured out what to do with Saturdays yet. Maybe they will be floater days for Pure Romance Parties, the rare outdoor adventure (yah, while the temperatures are above 0 degrees anyway), or even my guilty pleasure... scrap booking/ play dates. Sundays are good for church and planning the activities for the following week.

I think that about covers it. Wish me luck on maintaining my determination to stick to this and regain and maintain my sanity as my two favorite addictions (mountain adventure and junk food) are not options with my current location and goals. Hey, If I can stick to it, I figure there won't be time for an addiction anyway and all that will be left is exactly what I want.

Not-so-Interesting Adventures

I have always prided myself on my adventurous life and story telling abilities, but lately, I am having the weirdest feeling that I am not as interesting as I thought I was. The feedback I am getting makes me think I may be quite self absorbed. My adventures really aren't all that meaningful or exciting to anyone but me, and I am starting to think that the emphasis I put on them makes other people feel like I think they are boring.

That couldn’t be farther from the truth! Any interaction with another person is the most interesting thing happening in my life, and all the other activities are my best attempt to keep from dieing of boredom or self-medicating with junk food. If I have bored you with my lengthy and not-so-interesting stories or implied that I think you are boring, I sincerely apologize. My intent is to inspire not discourage or make anyone feel inadequate.

I have decided that I am going to make an effort to reach out and help other people feel interesting and good about their adventures. I can do this in conversation by asking more open ended questions, soliciting more information with follow up questions when short or incomplete answers are given, and limiting my lengthy monologues to my blog entries.

Sorry yall, I gotta record how fantastic my adventures are for me and my posterity. If my stories aren’t interesting or inspiring to anyone else but me, everyone else can ignore them. But if my stories are discouraging or demeaning to anyone in any way, please let me know so that I can apologize and communicate my intent more clearly.

Fear and the PRIME Adventure

It occurred to me that there is something keeping me from reaching my big dreams and it’s ME! It is both good news and bad in that this obstacle lies within my locus of control. But at least now I can work on getting over it.

I think what has been crippling me is that I am afraid that my definition of success isn't in line with my true self, and that I will some day regret missing the boat. I don't know why that scares me so much. I have no regrets to this point in my life and actually cherish my mistakes as stepping stones to character building. I guess now the consequences seem somehow heavier, and life, a lot more fleeting.

The problem is that I spend too much time dreaming and not enough time realizing. I’m having a hell of a time choosing exactly which step will make me the happiest and be the best for my little universe in the long run. What it comes down to is that I can do any one of several different things and be successful; the trick is finding which thing is in line with my PRIME thing. Which thing is going to make my efforts Personal, Rational, Intentional, Meaningful and Eternal?

I need an adventure that is personally mine and mine alone, an adventure that rationally balances my mission and responsibilities, an adventure that I intentionally design and live because it is entirely within my locus of control. I need an adventure that meaningfully empowers and fulfills my life mission and eternally inspires others because it is bigger than me and reaches beyond the grips of death.

My PRIME Adventure is to share my passion and legacy through nature and outdoor recreation. It is in my heart to own and operate an adventure lodge and inspire others live their own PRIME Adventure. I haven’t quite worked out the details yet, but I know it takes place somewhere in the Northwestern United States. I know that the programs and activities will be high adventure and my circle of influence will go beyond my little community of family and friends. I know it will require me to stretch myself to relative perfection and hold me accountable to my values and principles.

As with every adventure, my PRIME Adventure comes with its own collection of doubts and fears. Some fear is good fear. John Long, a famous climber once said “The caliber of the adventure is proportional to the level of doubt maintained.” Real adventure requires some fear of the unknown and the possibility of failure. Nobody wants to fail, but in the scheme of a PRIME Adventure, it is really more of a progressive journey anyway. A PRIME Adventure is eternal, failure is only temporary.

So what am I afraid of? Why am I holding back from living my PRIME Adventure? Why am I letting myself get distracted on detours and getting tangled in everybody else’s adventures?

The truth is that I am terrified of being bored with a tiny life. I am afraid that I will not be able to realize my PRIME Adventure or worse, I will and then regret it. I am afraid that in living my PRIME Adventure, I will neglect my responsibilities as a wife and mother, which brings me to the humbling realization: Though my hubby is my hero and my daughter is my pride and joy, they are NOT my PRIME Adventure. They have their own adventures to live and their actions are beyond my locus of control. Investing all my energy into serving them is not MY adventure, but my contribution to their perspective adventures, and that is not the most effective way to live a PRIME adventure.

WOW! By continuing to do what I am doing, I am bored and living a tiny life! I'm not living my PRIME Adventure by waiting! Waiting for what? The stars to align? The Law of Attraction to dump a lodge in my lap? For someone to pat me on the back and reassure me? Am I really that naive and needy?

I think I am waiting for the peace in knowing that my family has a place in my PRIME Adventure. Without them, my life would be tiny. Without them, the meaning and eternal reach of my legacy would be lost leaving me only with PRI, and that doesn’t make any sense. Where do I find that peace? I think it is somewhere locked inside me but I am pretty sure my hubby has the key. I just need to ask him for it.

I guess I am pretty needy. I need to know that he supports me in living my PRIME Adventure. I need him to know what I need from him in terms of support and encouragement. I need his reassurance that he values what I bring to the table.

WOW AGAIN! I don’t think I was entirely prepared for these deep realizations this morning. I think it is time for a serious chat, one that I’m not quite sure how to initiate. Wish me luck!

Meme and the Power of 3

I was tagged by Squish at Bossy Mom to meme this positive power of 3 and I pass the fun on to K.B. at K.B. Squared.

1. Name three things that you adore.
- my family
- my mountains
- adventure

2. Name three things you appreciate about your spouse/significant other.
- his integrity
- his sense of humor
- his commitment to his family

3. Name three things that you are especially good at.
- organizing adventures
- developing projects and programs
- initiating change

Attracting Some Inspiration

Though I don't think it is the only law working in the universe, the law of attraction does some amazing things. I stumbled onto a very interesting blog while wishing for something to inspire me and thought I would share. Patricia had some neat insight into a lot of things I have been thinking about, one of which is developing a life coaching career. I really want to explore motivating and inspiring others on that kind of a level.

I guess what attracts me so much to the profession is that that it is a world of deep thinkers and they get to encourage others to question their limits and be their very best. I want to further develop my skills and contribute in that arena in my own way. I am not all that passionate about the impersonal executive-focused coaching and not entirely into the touchy feely eccentrics associated with individual-focused coaching. I could definitely find fulfillment and success in my own little niche somewhere between work and drama with my specialty -- PLAY. Maybe I will call myself an adventure coach...

I posted some raw ideas about it here, but have since sketched in a lot more shape and structure. I had all but forgotten about it since the big race, but it found me again. It is not a coincidence but a steady draw toward something big. I want to provide the ideal environment, the tools and support for others to become an effective creator in building their own sustainable and fulfilling, life-long adventure. I want to provide an experience that will help people see themselves differently, and then champion their training and preparations to live their prime adventure. I want to guide them into nature and let the wilderness inspire them to do their thing.

I feel most comfortable working with women and have a particular soft spot for mothers and women in other tricky transitions. This may be too narrow, but I think I am going to go with it for starters until I invest in the training to get a better clue as to how the business side of things goes. For now, I am just dabbling in the framework concept and how to integrate individual coaching, group workshops and my pet project, the adventure lodge. Eventually, I would like to get my masters in an accredited program for coaching and get some certifications in Wilderness First Responder, Mountaineering, Personal Training and Life Coaching. I think that by the time I am at full speed, I could have a really fun thing going.

Gratitude Sunday: Independence

Today I am catching up on my Gratitude Sunday entry and what better day to be grateful for my independence. I think of all the people who have made great sacrifices so that I can have the freedom to choose so many things. So many have done so much, even to the point of laying down their lives for my privilege to worship my God as I choose, define my values as I choose, chase the dreams that I choose and do so in the manner that is most fulfilling and happy for me.

Thanks to all the people who have fought to establish and defend that privilege throughout history. Thanks to all the people in the armed forces today who continue to defend those privileges and thanks to all the law enforcement and legal officials who uphold those privileges. Though the system is imperfect, it is the best we have and I am grateful for the independence and freedom it permits.

To be truly grateful for my independence, I must BE independent. I must take advantage of the opportunity to think for myself and define my true identity, my relationship with God and my real dreams. The freedom we celebrate on this 4^th of July should be celebrated in everyday choices and I am going to be intentional about my freedom to choose what I really want. My life is an adventure and I am so grateful for the opportunity to make it my own and enjoy the beautiful country I live in.

Tell Me What I Want...

Do you ever wonder if you are spending your time and energy developing what you really want? Sometimes it is hard in the mundane, every-day tasks to know if I am really on course with realizing what I want most... And then there is the ever-impressive question of what that really is in the first place.

As the Spice Girls song requests, ‘tell me what I want, what I really, really want!’ Everyone, and I do mean EVERYONE, wants something. Some try to "inspire" me to take action like ad campaigns, while others are just inspirational because they are doin their own thing. The problem is that nobody knows what I really want (including me sometimes) and what someone else (or myself in a moment of insanity) may think is inspiration is really more of a distraction. The trick is discerning the difference between the two.

I think that is where the intuition comes in; that deep sense of right or wrong that helps me discern what is good for the development of my true self and the life I want most. Great! So all I gotta do is trust my heart… right?

Well, not entirely. My experience has proven that the Law of Attraction applies regardless of whether or not what I want is aligned with my true self, the potential self a loving God created me to be. Not only do I have to trust my heart, but define and know my compass on which I define what I really want.

There have been times when I thought I knew what I wanted and the knock-myself-out path to that end sucked all the joy out of my life. There have also been times when what I thought I didn’t want was exactly the fall-in-my-lap, joyful path to what I really do want most of all. In either case, there has always been an abundance of “inspiration” to encourage compliance with what others want, but not always what I want. So now the question is: If nobody can tell me, how do I know what I really want?

I used to rely on my parents, friends, spouse or church to define, or at least heavily influence that for me. But now I am thinking ‘DON’T tell me what I want!’ I have learned that defining my true self is far too important and personal to trust to someone else. If I don’t make defining what I want a personal quest with God, I am vulnerable to a lifetime of distraction, error and chaos. So how do I have a personal quest with God?

Some people believe that the answer is in the Bible or other religious texts, but I do not feel peace that any one book is a direct fax from God or unlocks the door to my true potential. Besides, there are too many interpretations, translations and different opinions supporting what someone else wants for it to be personal. Others think that it can only be found through trial and error, but I have wasted too much time in error and that hasn’t brought much peace either.

I feel that my God gave me purpose, inspiration and intuition. With those gifts, I believe He expects me to seek out my own purpose then think through the various “inspirations” and use my intuition before taking action. So now I have come to a place where I can be open to and respect what others want, get support from those that want the same, and make all my dreams come true. Perfect!

I am beginning to realize that knowing what I really want isn’t a destination, it is a life-long journey that is made beautiful by the friends and adventures in my life. To help guide me through that journey, I have taken the initiative to define what I know of my purpose and outline a few wants that I feel are in line with my true potential. It's a work in progress, but it gives me confidence that I can take any "inspiration", study it out with all the resources I can get my little hands on, measure it against something meaningful to me, and trust my instincts to keep me moving in a more joyful, fulfilling and spectacular direction.

May you too find your way to what you really want, find meaning in it and enjoy the adventure.