Fear and the PRIME Adventure

It occurred to me that there is something keeping me from reaching my big dreams and it’s ME! It is both good news and bad in that this obstacle lies within my locus of control. But at least now I can work on getting over it.

I think what has been crippling me is that I am afraid that my definition of success isn't in line with my true self, and that I will some day regret missing the boat. I don't know why that scares me so much. I have no regrets to this point in my life and actually cherish my mistakes as stepping stones to character building. I guess now the consequences seem somehow heavier, and life, a lot more fleeting.

The problem is that I spend too much time dreaming and not enough time realizing. I’m having a hell of a time choosing exactly which step will make me the happiest and be the best for my little universe in the long run. What it comes down to is that I can do any one of several different things and be successful; the trick is finding which thing is in line with my PRIME thing. Which thing is going to make my efforts Personal, Rational, Intentional, Meaningful and Eternal?

I need an adventure that is personally mine and mine alone, an adventure that rationally balances my mission and responsibilities, an adventure that I intentionally design and live because it is entirely within my locus of control. I need an adventure that meaningfully empowers and fulfills my life mission and eternally inspires others because it is bigger than me and reaches beyond the grips of death.

My PRIME Adventure is to share my passion and legacy through nature and outdoor recreation. It is in my heart to own and operate an adventure lodge and inspire others live their own PRIME Adventure. I haven’t quite worked out the details yet, but I know it takes place somewhere in the Northwestern United States. I know that the programs and activities will be high adventure and my circle of influence will go beyond my little community of family and friends. I know it will require me to stretch myself to relative perfection and hold me accountable to my values and principles.

As with every adventure, my PRIME Adventure comes with its own collection of doubts and fears. Some fear is good fear. John Long, a famous climber once said “The caliber of the adventure is proportional to the level of doubt maintained.” Real adventure requires some fear of the unknown and the possibility of failure. Nobody wants to fail, but in the scheme of a PRIME Adventure, it is really more of a progressive journey anyway. A PRIME Adventure is eternal, failure is only temporary.

So what am I afraid of? Why am I holding back from living my PRIME Adventure? Why am I letting myself get distracted on detours and getting tangled in everybody else’s adventures?

The truth is that I am terrified of being bored with a tiny life. I am afraid that I will not be able to realize my PRIME Adventure or worse, I will and then regret it. I am afraid that in living my PRIME Adventure, I will neglect my responsibilities as a wife and mother, which brings me to the humbling realization: Though my hubby is my hero and my daughter is my pride and joy, they are NOT my PRIME Adventure. They have their own adventures to live and their actions are beyond my locus of control. Investing all my energy into serving them is not MY adventure, but my contribution to their perspective adventures, and that is not the most effective way to live a PRIME adventure.

WOW! By continuing to do what I am doing, I am bored and living a tiny life! I'm not living my PRIME Adventure by waiting! Waiting for what? The stars to align? The Law of Attraction to dump a lodge in my lap? For someone to pat me on the back and reassure me? Am I really that naive and needy?

I think I am waiting for the peace in knowing that my family has a place in my PRIME Adventure. Without them, my life would be tiny. Without them, the meaning and eternal reach of my legacy would be lost leaving me only with PRI, and that doesn’t make any sense. Where do I find that peace? I think it is somewhere locked inside me but I am pretty sure my hubby has the key. I just need to ask him for it.

I guess I am pretty needy. I need to know that he supports me in living my PRIME Adventure. I need him to know what I need from him in terms of support and encouragement. I need his reassurance that he values what I bring to the table.

WOW AGAIN! I don’t think I was entirely prepared for these deep realizations this morning. I think it is time for a serious chat, one that I’m not quite sure how to initiate. Wish me luck!