I should really just get over it, but I'm hoping that maybe I can if I write about it. It's been really difficult for me to be completely honest about my religion because many of my friends and family are devout Mormon, and I no longer share those same beliefs. I have found that there are only 2 responses to that, either I am judged as "unworthy" for having the questions and concerns I have, or I am held at arms length and handled delicately.
I won't pretend to know why, for some, it may be that they have the same questions and concerns and don't want to come to the same conclusion. For others, it's flat out denial, and for some, I just think that the church was the only thing we really had in common in the first place and we kind of drifted apart.
The truth is that I value my experiences in the church and still have a great love and respect for those who still believe and practice it. I just can't continue to believe and practice it knowing what I found in my quest for a better understanding of the doctrine and practices. The answers create a huge contradiction for me, and to pretend that they don't would betray the most precious relationship I have, my relationship with deity.
I wish I could just go on pretending that I still believe everything, but I can't, and I have felt a lot of rejection for it. Deep down I know it isn't intentional. I know that the awkward feelings and conversations are a direct result of not knowing how to respond (on my part too). I think in most cases, it is easier for my Mormon friends and family to pretend I don't feel the way that I do... especially my poor hubs. He's the one my heart breaks for because I know the implications my feelings have on his beliefs about salvation and eternal families. :(
Sometimes it just doesn't seem fair. But that is a little deeper than I wanted to go with this post. The point I wanted to make was about the little barbs I have been getting from my Mormon friends and fam. Again, I know they aren't intended and stem directly from not knowing how to respond. But it still hurts in kind of a comical way.
Recently, the Mormon Prophet passed away. He was an amazing man who dedicated his life to serving God and others. He has been the prophet my entire adult life and even sent me on my mission. He was 97 years old and lost his wife of 60 years a few years back. So really, it was in God's hands and it was time for him to go. Despite all this, he will be missed.
Anyway, we received notice from several Mormon friends and family prefaced by "I don't know if you care or not..." What the hell is that? They wouldn't say that to their Mormon friends, or even their non-Mormon friends who have never been Mormon. I haven't changed so much in the last few years that I wouldn't care if someone died. In one case, it was almost said with the passive-aggressive tone... like what they really meant to say was "You know the prophet you rejected, well, he's dead now, and I bet you don't even care."
I guess my connection to the prophet is a little more detached than blind obedience, but not so much that I wouldn't care that he passed away. Truthfully, if people don't know how I feel about the church or church officials, then it would be an awkward conversation to start and nothing ever comes out right under stress. So, I'm sure that it wasn't intended to hurt. It's just kind of funny how assumptions are made.
I guess we all have assumptions of how things must be when we don't understand them. I have decided not to assume to know why people do or say the things they do. I'm not even going to take offense to things I don't understand. I just wanted to clarify my feelings in attempt to avoid sending out little barbs myself. I'm just hoping that being honest about my feelings doesn't come across like little barbs. I don't want to hurt anyone, I just want to be real.
5 comments:
Funny... I am in a COMPLETELY different situation than you... but with ALL of the same emotions! It sucks.
That being said, have you ever read dooce.com? She is a FANTASTIC blogger and an ex-Mormon. You can search her archives by topic, and Mormonism is one of them. You may want to check it out. She is truly fascinating. (I may be her stalker, actually...) :p
Hope writing it down helps you! I should probably do the same with my situation, but it sounds incredibly draining right now.
I am sorry that this is happening to you. It is weird that they would think that you wouldn't care. Truth is hard and scary sometimes, but very important.
PS: I left you a little something on my blog.
This blog reminds me of two things.
One is this quote:
Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. - Mahatma Gandhi
In trying to be honest, you are trying to be happy. It is sad that others are having trouble with your honesty, which is item 2.
People are threatened by others who don't believe what they do. They fear that they may be wrong, that the other person may be right. They feel perplexed and make it black and white like this, instead of honoring that different people believe different things.
Good luck with your situation, especially with the hubs.
hey Sierra,
first of all thanks so much for commenting on my blog, its good to know someone actually reads it :0 )
I am sorry you are feeling sad right now, i can sort of empathize, being single AND LDS i get a lot of 'comments' that i'm sure were not meant to be cruel, but are quite itchy somtimes. you just have to give the gritted teeth smile sometimes.
i hope you are able to find what can make you happy, for you and expecially for your whole family. BTW congratz on the little one that's on the way!!
I just visited your blog from Kim's blog. I met you briefly once or twice about a million years ago it seems now. I grew up with Kim. Anyway, all beside the point, but it's nice to offer an intro when you find and post on someone's blog.
First, I don't know if you're still doing it, but I was so excited to see those photos you posted of your weight loss a while back (I don't check your blog very often). That is so inspiring.
Secondly, I think it's great for you to share your thoughts on how you feel. I have some friends whose parents went through a similar situation and I wondered how it was for the marriage. Their kids are all grown, but it has caused a lot of tension in their situation as being LDS is not a casual religion in any way.
I hope that you can understand that people in trying to not be offensive can sometimes offend. You have to realize that you are probably especially sensitive to their phrasing as you have chosen to leave a religion that they value. I'm sure they were trying to convey information to you without feeling like they were forcing information on you. Does that make sense? I swear, I'm not very good at these "leave your comment" things.
As a child of a mother who is less active, I can tell you it is hard. I find myself not mentioning important parts of my life to her because she is not active and has never been through the temple and doesn't relate to what I'm saying in some ways. I don't know how you're choosing to raise your kids, LDS or not, but as my husband has always said, whether it's true or not, it's not a bad way to live.
Just my thoughts.
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