Most Beautiful Dreams or Worst Nightmares

I have found that many of my most valuable experiences have taken on contrasting categories in my heart. These last few months have been a particular challenge for me in that I have been fighting with symptoms of severe depression and have really struggled to find a meaning to it. I'm not out of the dark yet, but I must say that this experience has been both a most beautiful dream and a worst nightmare.

The dark and freezing temperatures of the North Slope have robbed me of my connection to God through Nature. I have fallen victim to my carbohydrate addictions and excuses for not being active and been drained of all positive energy sources. My goals and personality have been isolated and frozen into a go-no-where depression, and I feel I am totally exposed having lost all control and just blowing around in pointless circles with the wind.

Despite all this, I know that God has a purpose in everything He sends my way. I have not been abandoned in my nightmare but have been guided to a better understanding. It is not what I would have dreamed for myself, but I believe a more perfect dreamer designed it just for me. In my worst nightmare of losing control, I have discovered a most beautiful dream.

This experience has deepened my humility, patience and compassion. It has moved me to rely more on the Lord and on others, and has given me direction in finding my purpose here in Barrow. Through this trial, I have found new friends and developed new coping mechanisms that would have been lost to me had I not accepted this challenge as an opportunity. If I choose, it can become a refining mechanism in my life.

Last night I could feel God's love for me stronger than I had in a long time. He spoke to my heart through the magnificent display of Nature in the Northern Lights (the language of my heart) and the words of a new friend (an Evangelist at the Baptist church, of all people. This evangelist friend, shared his worst nightmare of a rare cancer that took his right eye, and how it lead him to find his life mission and be a more effective force for good.

I too have been given a challenge and have made my decision. I have decided on a course of action to overcome it. But more, I have made my decision to trust God in realizing His beautiful dream, and help others find beauty in their worst nightmares too. I believe that part of my healing is to establishing a network of information and support. I am by no means an expert on anything, but I now know the value and importance of friends and family. These are a few things that can seem very far away in a crisis on the tundra, but I believe it is part of my purpose here to establish a network and a series of programs to bring them closer.

So I have my work cut out for me. I must first overcome the depression, and then fulfill the purpose for which I had to endure it in the first place. In the meantime, I will leave you with a few photos that best express the sentiment of this post. These were takenjust outside of town last night and display both the most beautiful dreamscapes of celestial potential and the worst nightmares of being isolated and exposed to the horror of the environment.