So yesterday was the first day of my new resolve to find the INTENTION and focus on the behavior that I DO want from my 13-month old daughter. It didn't go so well. I watched in horror as she summited our entertainment center and all of the electronics on top of it. This behavior has genereated so much negative attention in the past was and was once again, the ultimate challenge. Throughout her entire expidition, I was anxiousely scrambling for any positive words to get her to come down and play on the floor."Kaia, please don't climb up the speakers." Negative.
"Kaia, please stop kicking the speakers." Negative.
"Kaia no!" Negative.
"Dang-it Kaia!" as my temper takes control and I rip her off her high place and plop her on the ground. Negative again!
What I really wanted was for her to be safe and obedient, but I couldn't find the words to make that attractive to her for the life of me. I just don't think it is in her nature not to explore or attempt the impossible.
So there she stood on the dvd player with her hands on her hips and her classic cheesy grin as though she just conquered Everest. When she finally achieved her goal, she was seeking for my approval, just like when she knows she is doing what makes me happy. She just wanted to please me! How could I have been so upset about that? It WAS what I wanted. She was relatively safe and she was obedient (in her INTENTION to please me).
I was so intent on her NOT doing what I DIDN'T want her to do that I didn't have the energy to divert her to an appropriate outlet for her adventurous spirit, or willingness to please. Nor did I have the energy to see that I was getting the INTENTION of what I really wanted.
Long-story short, I still don't know how this Mommy thing works, Kaia still climbs on the entertainment center, and I am all out of ideas as to how to get her to stop. The good news is that nothing is broken... yet, I learned something about myself and my baby and now I am not nearly as upset about the speakers dangling off their perch by their skinny little wires. If this new focus has done nothing but change the tone in our home, it is worth it.
I don't feel angry that Kaia doesn't get my demands to avoid the behavior I DON'T want. I acknowledge that the INTENTION behind her behavior is in line with the spirit of what I DO want, and I need to learn how to better cultivate that. What I am getting from her now is just a misguided adventerous spirit and a sincere desire to please. The last thing I want to do is squelch that uniqueness in her.
So this is a little picture of my newest epiphany. Now that I know what I want, I gotta find the tools to build it. If yall have any ideas as to how to get the intention AND the behavior you DO want from your kids, I would love any suggestions. :)
2 comments:
Unfortunately, I don't have any ideas for you, I'm not there yet. The funny thing is, to me it seems like Kaia has the personality that I remember her mommy having (adventurous with the need to explore and attempt the impossible). However, your blog does make me wonder what kind of personality Ethan will end up developing.
I've been thinking about this since I read your post a day or so ago. And I don't have any big answer. But what I have learned is that you have to find what works or what speaks to your child, and it is so very different for each child. And then you have to learn how to use that to teach them. And even though you are kind of doing it on "their" terms by using the "thing" that works for them it's still so important to maintain the understanding that you are the parent and the one in charge. I think it's awesome that you are thinking so much about how to help her grow and be without crushing who she is, while at the same time teaching her how to be obedient. You get an awesome mom sticker for the week!
I know in an earlier post you said that motherhood or maybe at home motherhood doesn't come naturally to you. I don't know that it does to any of us. It's so different and selfless from anything we've ever known, I think the key is making it work in a way that you love. And when that happens it is truly a beautiful life!
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